First off, I am impressed with all the time and effort you have obviously put into this story thus far. You have a good basic idea and a good plot. You have introduced several characters in this chapter who are all unique. It is also obviously that you have done a lot of planning on what is going to happen in this story since you have left things with out explanations in this first chapter (like the lady who shows Stephanie and Bobby the stones) which will make the reader want to keep reading. Good work on the school scenes. The school scene is something a lot of readers can relate too and makes them feel more into the story.
You have some stylistic stuff that I think you need to work on that will hopefully improve your story or at least make it richer.
~*Suggestions*~
Bobby shot up in his bed as the thunder roared outside his second story bedroom window. He pulled his sheets away from his body and walked over to his bedroom windows and pulled them up. He turned and faced his windows after.
First of all, you don’t need to restate ‘bedroom windows.’ Since Bobby is in his bedroom, the reader assumes the windows he is looking out of are his bedroom windows. I would rephrase the next two sentences. When it says he turned to face his windows AFTER you say he pulled them up, it sounds like he pulled them up with his back to them…which involves some interesting contortionist moves. Also, you don’t often pull a window up, rather you push them up.
He began to turn to run to get the phone when the woman, almost fifteen feet away jumped through his window and into his room.
Comma after ‘away’
Bobby heard a snarl and he immediately jumped back from his bed. Immediately after, a large black panther walked out from underneath the bed and stood beside the woman that leaped through the window. Bobby turned to look at them both and noticed that the woman was wearing a cloak made of animal fur and underneath it rags of fur looking noticeably like a bikini. As he looked past her chest, he saw a necklace with a stone being held at the bottom of a seemingly clear grey color.
First off, in the first two sentences, you use the word ‘immediately’ twice. They are too close together so it seems like too much repetition and interrupts the flow of your story.
Next, you don’t need to restated the ‘leaped through the window.’ Only one woman has been mentioned and the restatement just makes the paragraph very heavy with extra words that aren’t needed.
Lastly how can a person look past a chest? Maybe looked above her chest but past her chest doesn’t make much sense.
She turned her body and leapt out of the window onto the tree and began to climb down it. The black panther continued to stare at Bobby and then leaped from the window onto the tree as well. Bobby walked over to his window and looked down. He walked onto the room of his house outside his room. He walked over to the edge and climbed down some vines landing safely on the ground.
Once again, in this paragraph, watch your repetition. Instead of repeating what the panther did, you could just write, the panther continued to stare at Bobby and then leapt from the window, following his mistress. That way you can mix up the words and make the paragraph more interesting. Also Bobby also does a lot of walking in this paragraph. I would suggest using a different word other than ‘walked’ or ‘walking.’ Also the sentence with the rooms outside rooms is very awkward, I would suggest rephrasing.
The woman lifted her hand when she reached Stephanie’s window and it suddenly shattered after the stone around her neck glowed.
This is just a suggestion. It might be better to mention the stone glowing first and the window shattering after since it is a cause and effect kind of thing. If you reverse the order, as you did, the reader doesn’t really feel ‘in’ the story rather just hearing someone tell it.
They had reached a lake in the middle of the forest and in the middle of the lake, they saw shining from the bottom two stones. One was clear amber sending gold reflections everywhere and the other was completely clear sending the reflections of the lightning bolts outside around the lake.
First sentence, place commas after ‘saw’ and ‘bottom.’ Also, your descriptions of the stones in the next two sentences are confusing. How can you have clear amber that sends gold reflections? Clear amber would mean it would have no color, and amber is a color and has color. Also you say the other stone was completely clear…how can one thing be clear and something else be completely clear…what is the difference? And where did the lightening bolts come from? If the stone has lightening bolts in it the just get rid of the word ‘the’ since ‘the’ designates something that has been previously mentioned. Also, you might what to mention what kind of stone the second stone is since you mentioned the first one was amber.
Bobby turned to look at her as if she was crazy, but the woman turned her body away from them and leaped into the trees of the forest. She began to leap from tree to tree in the forest, until she was out of sight. The panther immediately took off after her and quickly disappeared in the darkness of the forest.
You use ‘forest’ in every single on of these sentences. Once you mention it in the first sentence, the reader can figure out the rest. I would suggest to take out some of the repetition and it will make this paragraph flow better.
they both emitted a bright light of their color
If one of the stones is clear, then it is colorless…so how can it emit a color?
Whoa, I think there is something in the water,” said Bobby to Stephanie, “Let’s get out of here.”
I think this is a good time to comment on your dialogue. Here, Bobby obviously has some sort of emotion that there is something in the water, however the tag you chose is ‘said.’ There is probably much better word to use that would better represent what Bobby is actually feeling or doing. Maybe, “screetched Bobby, or hissed Bobby,” or something other than said. Said is just so blah and does not fit the excitement of the moment. Your dialogue also tends to use the same tags. When writing dialogue you don’t’ always need the tags (he said, she said, asked Bobby, smiled Sam). You can just make the statement the person said and usually the reader can figure it out, or you can give the reader clues to who said it by the reactions of the other characters. Doing this makes your dialogue more realistic and not so montotonous.
Stephanie glimpsed at her stone
I think you want either glanced at rather than glimpsed.
Stephanie’s stone stopped glowing after the alligator fell into the water.
How can the alligator fall into the water if he is already in the water? Maybe dove into the water would be a better choice of words?
“Sounds good to me,” agreed Stephanie. They waited until the last day before winter break to show what their stones could do.
I would suggest making the second sentence a new paragraph since it represents a huge gap in time.
“WHOA! How did you do that?” asked Patty in complete awe. Bobby answered, “Have you guys noticed how Stephanie and I both have necklaces with stones in them?
When new person talks, you need a new paragraph.
One thing I notice is that you use a lot of the same words throughout the story which makes your story seem very piece meal. I would suggest you go back and find some of the words you use a lot like, ‘immediately’ and ‘causing’ and rephrase some of those sentences. Also, your characters seem to have very limited actions. The main point of what I am getting at is mix up your word choice a bit.
Additionally, I think you need to work in a bit more description into what you are writing. So far it’s a lot of action with he did this and then he did this. What does the air smell like, what do the stones feel like? Use some more descriptions and your senses and I think it will help make your story richer.
You’ve done a lot of work here and I hope you continue writing! Good luck!
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