This is a cute story, suitable for Halloween as well as St. Patricks Day or possibly even St. Valentines Day. You've done a great job of writing and presenting. Your characters are lively and your word selection is excellent. Thanks!
This is a completely well written story. It contains an interesting point of view. I can now guess what is a Stermine. Some parts reminded me of Dr. Who, and I mean that as a great compliment.
The only obstacles I encountered were your intentional vagueness and the story's brevity.
For a moment I thought I was on an alien world, reading sci-fi!
In the fourth line, change "here" :to hear. You should also add some spaces to separate between paragraphs.
There are a few instances where I have an excellent visualization of what you are writing. Unfortunately there are also a couple spots where I seem to falter.
I know I should go into more detail.
This piece seems like a first draft, so maybe if you go over it again, slowly, you will be able to flesh it out, so to speak.
It's tough for a first read to know what "haran" and "katrin" are, for instance.
I think you have an interesting story and a way with words, but your structure and construction could use a bit of work. Write oN!
This is an odd one to review. I tend to review poems more on their meter than content, meaning or imagery. So here's what I think of the meter:
Stanza 1, line 1: a space after the ;
line3: "as white as" or "pure as" (drop the, "white") -there are different purities of that, anyway, as well as different colours. maybe that's what you meant?
line 4: a space before the -
stanza 2: line 2: "filled with cigarettes" (? maybe drop the "breath") but I think this changes the feel & meaning so I'm not sure...
S2, Line 3: "esophagus" -no "O" @ beginning
Stanza 3, line 2: "ferments" (or "fermenting")
The main thing was the spelling of, "Esophagus," which maybe you are using some other spelling that's not in my medical reference (I looked it up.) And I think ferments fits better, but changes the feel. Maybe you were trying to say something by leaving out all of those spaces....
Now I am trying to think of words that rhyme with esophagus!
Evocative Poetry,
Thanks!
Gerald
I'm tackling this Scenario on the writing assgnment, and I've checked out a few other part ones. It seems to be easier to start this than to continue.
Your Chapter One is the funniest I've encountered. I LOL at: "'Gimme a 'G' Gimme an 'L'..." & a couple of other parts.
Your choice to include that celebrity was a nice touch, too.
I also like your refreshing attitude. The bit about your parents was kind of disturbing and unbelievable.
I'd give it a five except for a couple of spelling and verb mistakes and the swearing might be excessive.
I'd like to read more. Nice job!
Double rewards for reviews? What a great idea! I never would have imagined it. It's just too bad that I was a day too early, posting like a madman yesterday, but I like reviewing better than writing sometimes. At least i got double points for the Daily Reviews today. That was nice, Thanks
Since I read it, I will review:
The links are so helpful, beyond the mere convenience of clicking instead of typing.
The colors help to set things off, but I would mention that the use of that blue sometimes misleads me into thinking it is also a link. Any confusion is quickly solved with a move a cursor, but that's probably just me being lazy.
Next I will check out those ins & outs and forums.
Thanks!
This poem is pretty good, but I would adjust the meter a bit for better flow. It seems a bit light-hearted, so I wonder if there was or is a serious illness. I know when I am sick, the doctor often comforts or reassures me. Sometimes if I ask too many questions, he starts with the medical jargon, so I wish I hadn't asked.
Your poem captures all of these feelings for me. No one wants to go to the Doctor, but everyone is happy to get out of there.
I like it. The only problem I had was finding this "directions" page in the first place. I was attracted by "Scenario One." That title, coupled with, "The Writing Assignment," and especially, "Global Thermo-Nuclear War," reawakened a story that I have been wanting to tell for some time.
Now I have begun it, I can't wait to tackle the next "assignments," to see how it will play out (though I have some preconceived ideas.)
Clear and to the point, I believe the review mixer is a great idea for the proliferation of writing.com members. Too many people give out five stars and too many get them. Those should be reserved for Shakespeare, Twain, Tolkien, and the like; which today is seldom seem.
Generating interest in different and new authors should be encouraged. Perhaps I am biased, since no one has bothered to review my own writing.com postings. I must admit a twinge of relief due to the unpolished nature of my portfolio here. However, you should believe that I have reserved my best ideas and writing for my own commercial, future purposes.
As time permits, I shall endeavour to review new authors, with the anticipation that I could recieve a equitable degree of mercy.
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