I always enjoy a well written murder themed short story. I can see you clearly love writing and you have a wonderful voice. Especially for someone who has been writing on and off since they were seven.
This story was really well balanced. It had just the right amount of description that not a lot of writers can master. The idea of Mike being pulled into the murder of his brothers wife is fresh. In a lot of murder stories you see the loved ones being kept in the dark about a murder. This is usually because either the murderer doesn't want to tarnish the family name or because they don't want to ruin other people's lives. Of course, this is usually with singular murders and not people who are serial killers.
I didn't find any grammatical or Spelling errors in the story that were a big problem. There was a small pet peeve of mine that I'd like to point out.
"And worse yet, Rose, wrapped tightly in a black..." Starting a sentence with the word 'and' has just always been something that messed with the flow of my reading. It's also a big no-no in essay writing, but in creative writing it's used for more variety.
Other than that one pet peeve, which you don't have to worry about if you don't want to, I really liked this piece. Like I said; I always like reading stories about murder. The characters are really interesting too. Nice job on this story and keep with it!
I really like this piece. It's short, but you can learn so much from it about the characters. There's also a lot of unanswered questions, which I like. It leaves the story open for more thought.
I couldn't find any grammatical or spelling errors and the description of the story is very well rounded. It wasn't too descriptive for such a short story. All around I enjoyed reading this and thought it was well done! Usually I give some piece of constructive criticism, but I really can't find anything to critique, so great job and keep on writing!
I'd like to start out saying that I don't normally read stories like this. They usually aren't something that I'm interested in, but I really liked this one! The imagery in this story was beautiful. The idea of him loving her so much that he could save her just by will and prayer alone is amazing.
Now I know that this story is still a draft and you need to edit more of it, but I'd like to give you a few tips to help you along with the editing process.
Your grammar and spelling were spot on and the sentence variation was great too, but the flow of the sentences was a bit choppy. You tend to put so much onto one small paragraph that you lose the flow of your writing. I still have problems with this myself, but I catch myself when I can. You should try thinking of the actions that it takes for your characters to get to places, or how they react to certain things. Don't be afraid to "over explain" things. For people who are just getting used to the idea of writing a thick plot line, this helps a lot.
For example;
"He would remember the way he felt as they danced, her long hair flowing around as they twirled. Nothing could shine brighter than she did, not even the stars. That's when he looked into her eyes..." This sequence was a bit confusing for me. I was thrown off for a moment because I didn't realize what this meant. Was he looking into her eyes in the picture? I would assume this is what you meant when you wrote this. I would suggest a sequence here where he picks up the broken picture frame and looks at it.
Also, I love how you put drama into this story the way that you did. In a way I think that the shattering of the picture was a signal that she was in danger (from the cancer) but he had no idea. Though I like this idea, I don't think it's incredibly realistic for the to become shredded from the glass breaking. I have actually had a picture frame break and the glass shattered all over, but the picture was unharmed. Like I said, I do indeed like your idea, but why not change the sequence of that moment and have the frame fall onto something sharp or even have something fall onto the picture frame.
Other than those two problems your story was really good! Amazing even! I think you have great potential as a writer and from what I read on your bio, I'm sure that you're well on your way to becoming an even better writer than before you had your first book published! Good luck and happy writing.
SarahJuniperBerry
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