There's so much to like about this article. Your writing style tops the list - it's witty and just all around enjoyable to "hear". The background you give on Islam and the rise of the neocons is dished out in just the right amount.
I have to admit I don't have much experience in political criticism/history. However, I do read a lot of political columns and pay attention to current events, so maybe that helps a little. I'm not sure how to criticize this piece, so I'm just going to let this stand as encouragement.
Kudos on an engaging, well-written article! This is a subject few can make so much fun.
First Impressions
Interesting! I like the twist at the end. You set it up perfectly, giving a glimpse with the line about how the puppet "prays for death".
Meter
I would advise taking a look at your meter in a couple places. The third line runs a bit awkwardly compared to the first two, so you might want to rework it. Line 7 seemed a bit off rhythmically. You might rewrite as "wishing for disaster" instead of "wishing for a disaster". Also, do you maybe mean the shows they would "perform" rather than "partake"?
Overall
This is really a unique poem. I think you did a great job setting up the end and making the puppet a depressed little guy. It kind of has a creepy feel, with the repeated line "suspended by old, weathered strings". Good work!
A bit odd, isn't it? :) That's ok. I think you're absolutely right to call this Gothic. I've been reading up on Gothic lit and noticed something interesting here. Douglas Cairns' initials are D.C. His wife's initials are C.D. Was this intentional? If so, bravo! A major them in Gothic lit (and you likely already know this) is the doppelganger, or the "other" who the main character loves as himself but hates because it is a reminder of his own mortality. Interesting bones of a story here. I would expand.
I think this line could be cut without harming the story: "He seemed driven but the look in his eyes made me question for what.". It just sounds a bit "author-y" rather than the character's real thoughts.
Good work overall! I was surprised the guy actually did it. He seemed likeable enough at first.
Hi A.V.,
I think this poem has some really strong emotional value. I could feel the narrator's frustration in looking back and the disenchantment. It sounded a bit angry at the end - I hope that's what you were trying for!
Suggestions
I think most of the words you chose work very well in the poem, adding to the meaning without distracting the reader. I saw a few you might reconsider, though. In line 3, you write, "Every crisp and cracking flower". I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "cracking". With the imagery of the flowers and pictures being set on fire, I first read the word as "crackling", which seemed to make more sense. If you intended to write "cracking", you might want to clarify what is cracking - the flower's stem breaking, its petals?
Also, in line 12, the word "throbbing" as applied to a promise struck me as a bit odd. I think the whole line could go without really harming your poem. I know that might sound harsh, but in my experience with my own poetry, paring down usually only improves a piece.
Good Points
You really captured the emotions here. I liked how you kept a consistent metaphor of a funeral pyre of memories. It's hard to control imagery and metaphor in poetry and keep it from going down rabbit-trails! I liked your simple yet elegant style.
I also liked your comparison between the promises and the fragile paper cranes. That was a great touch. I noticed a good bit of assonance in the "trembling" lips, the "flammable" promises, and the "babbling" overconfidence. Good work.
Keep writing!
Good job, again! I enjoyed the ongoing story and the conflict has definitely built between the characters.
I saw a few punctuation mistakes. You write: "Breathe Davey boy, just breathe." You need a comma after the first "Breathe". This type of error was the only kind I saw - the elusive missing comma. :)
I saw one area you might rework. Near the end, David is reflecting on his "quirks" that annoy others. In the next few sentences, he tells Natalie "I have certain… quirks, which people find annoying.". This seems repetitive. You might just keep the part with him telling her he has quirks, or saying something like, "I don't work well with people..." and then let him go on to explain the temperature preferences, etc.
Your writing style was enjoyable to read. You kept the humor going even while the characters were "miffed" with each other, which can be tough to do!
Let me know when you post a new chapter!
Wow. You really have talent! This story is a really good read. Now for the critique... :)
Characters
I found your main character likeable. Natalie seems like a hard worker who has integrity and a sense of humor. (I'm thinking about the ham named "Charlie", here!)
Wolfgang is a funny character who is a bit flat so far - I know some characters are supposed to only be supporting actors, so this might be okay. However, if you have big plans for him, you might think about rounding him out as you go.
The overbearing General Parker is well done. His way of talking leaves no room for argument and he definitely has a goal in mind.
We didn't get to see a lot of David yet, but what we did learn was that he's a bit unsure of himself, not likely to get in an argument with someone, and not too thrilled with the military's MO.
Your characters look like they'll have plenty of conflict, both with the situation and with each other. Too often, writers put together a bunch of characters who are too much like each other.
Grammar, Spelling, Punctuation, Word Choices
I didn't do an in-depth grammar/spellcheck, but nothing jumped out at me. Your grammar and punctuation seem under control!
I do have a suggestion on your first sentence. You write: "Her coworkers clustered around her anxiously, looking on helplessly as she worked furiously toward a solution. " The words "anxiously", "helplessly", and "furiously" make this sound almost sing-song. I don't think that's what you were going for in this intense dream! :)
Plot
You have a solid beginning here. I can see several ways the plot could go and they all look interesting. You've done a good job setting conflict immediately and giving the characters definite goals.
Let me know if you post another chapter! I'm interested to see what happens next. :)
Great job, Dragon! I figured out that it was a dog about the time he was remembering the muddy footprints on the bed. You really captured the dog's desire for the last cookie and his relationship with the kid.
One suggestion I have is to remove the quotation marks from the piece. Since nobody else speaks in this story, you don't really need them.
My favorite was the part about the ham sandwich! :) Good work and keep writing!
Good job, Citizen-Seth. I like your style of writing, using humor to set the scene. The description of the love between Lupe and Onani "like an armadillo hit by a truck" was great! I can already see the storyline beginning to grow, with Sheriff Denine pursuing the immigrants.
I noticed a few spelling errors, but they are easy to fix! First, you write about "New Mexico’s southernmost outreaches". I think you meant "outskirts". And you wrote that "So regular was his patrol that shop owners could predict, up to the very minuet,". I think "minute" is what you meant, unless Hullock has a habit of waltzing while he patrols! :)
Keep up the good work and let me know if and when you write more on this. I'll definitely check it out again!
First of all, I think this piece has potential. The message is uplifting and the free verse form seems like the right one for your theme.
However, I think there are a few things you might want to consider doing. Since you are using free verse, make this form sing for its supper! In other words, use it to its fullest potential. For example, the line "Road blocks are thrown in front of you" seems overly long compared to the rest of your lines.
Word Choices
There are some parts that work well in your poem, like this one: "For it may be Salvation/Or it could be the Fires of Hell/But you chance it". It kind of keeps the reader teetering on the edge. I think there is room for improvement here, though. I've found that using concrete words, rather than generic ones, helps bring an emotional response. For instance, maybe instead of using the phrase "A strange place, a scary place" you could substitue a phrase showing how it feels to be lost and afraid.
Grammar/Spelling (aka picky things!)
Grammar and spelling errors are the easiest things to fix because they don't really affect the theme of your poem. Here are the errors I saw:
"Road blocks" should be "roadblocks".
"A scary place, A place of fear". Don't capitalize the second "A".
"You look for light, A way out
If you see it, You doubt it's truth". Lower-case "A". The second "You" should be lower-case as well.
I can see what you are intending with the sparse punctuation. It might be more effective, though, if you allowed the reader to easily see when a line or thought ends, either by using punctuation or by breaking up the lines. But since this is free verse, there aren't really any hard and fast rules regarding punctuation.
Overall
This poem already has a good start and I think you can really make it shine! The phrase you ended with had a message and a cadence to it that got my attention. Keep up the good work.
I think you did a good job with this story. It's always a little hard to review something so serious, but I'll give it a try.
What was Good: The concrete descriptions you used were good and added to the reality. The part about Charlotte's knowledge of funerals coming from TV was a good touch as well. I think we all feel a little awkward at funerals!
What Could be Better: I noticed the grammar was a little off in this sentence: "Her death wasn’t so much of a shock as its swiftness." I think it should be written this way: "Her death wasn't so much of a shock as was its swiftness." Also, I wasn't sure the main character was a girl at first. Maybe you could have the brother say her name earlier.
My Opinion: I liked the way you handled this subject: enough delicacy to be in good taste, but not necessarily sentimental. Good work!
Miss PT
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