I really loved this piece. It resonated with me deeply.
I don’t have much in the way of constructive comments, because I actually just enjoyed this so much.
“ I am blocking the aisle at the grocery store.
My car has
stalled
in the middle of the intersection.
I am letting my hair go gray,
and there is no makeup on my face.
I say “I’m sorry” a hundred times a day.”
This was my favourite section.
Thank you for sharing. Enjoyed this immensely
This was cute and made me smile! Not pitiful at all, I found it silly and cute! And I mean silly in a nice and endearing way, not a mean way. .
Thanks for sharing!
I enjoyed the chant structure within this poem. In addition to adding a chant like quality to the poem, the repetition reinforces the lack of consideration and respect displayed in the poem. The social commentary discussed adds emotional depth and weight. There is a bit of mystery here too.
Thanks for sharing
This was a fabulous read. I loved everything about this, from the way it looks on the page to the flow of the words. Very poignant and powerful. Thank you for sharing.
I loved this exploration of parenthood. So much written about motherhood is obtusely positive, and I appreciate the honesty here. Overall, this poem just made me smile and feel warm and fuzzies. The idea that motherhood is overwhelming, but ultimately positive, was beautifully expressed. Thanks for sharing
This poem made me feel the mixed emotions of revisiting memory. There’s a distinct rhythm to this, and the structure helps to emphasize each line, and I found the language to be very elegant.
Thanks for sharing.
I generally don’t enjoy haikus, but really enjoyed reading this.
The poem has an intensity to it. The short structure allows for a snapshot of an intense moment. The choice of "Falcon and Red Tail" adds specificity to the scene, and the question at the end adds anticipation.
I enjoyed this, thanks for sharing.
Your poem uses great imagery and whimsical language I thoroughly enjoyed- enchantment is the word that comes to my mind reading it. It has a very airy dream like atmosphere to it.
I loved the descriptive language like "scarlet cherries liquid gold" as an example.
The rhyme scheme adds a lyrical sing song quality. The juxtaposition of language in phrases like"terrible beautiful tales," adds depth and an interesting element.
I don’t know if it was intentional, but I did notice a tone change in some lines- not to say it didn’t work within the poem, just something to maybe be aware of if that wasn’t the goal.
Hi there!
I think this piece has some potential to be great!
I think you could probably benefit from some editing (paying attention to grammar and spelling), and some more description.
“ My red nails and pink lipstick
smoking cigarette you light it up for me
I get dizzy but I don't care as long as I'm here with you”- this was my favourite part. The use of colours, the description of the cigarette being lit for you, and the detail of the cigarette making you dizzy are powerful.
For me, what some of the other portions were lacking were details that make this work “yours”. The last three sections feel more personal to you and your story, and I enjoyed them.
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