This poem is actually very beautiful and poignant, but about what beyond that plant that wont't grow, I'm not certain. I think it's about self-love? It goes deep into leaf imagery that might not connect to theme. The imagery wasn't there at the outset. I'm not sure if I need it early or at all.
I just know your way with words and how they speak from your heart show true love and passion for what you want this to become, or return to former glory. There's loss. There's the desire to solve a mystery that might be unknowable. It shows how much you care that you try.
This might be submittable, too. Haven't you gotten other reaction? I know your feedback is limited. Maybe, there's someplace else or someone else? I know you've tried.
Congratulations on the placement in the poetry contest for this poem. There were interesting word choices. The poem could use improvement.
The open verse caught my attention. The poem both wants to tell and show. Maybe, you could take your time with setting it up.
Use either carpet or grass to describe frosty. Tease and move to unforgiving. Then stop and go to the next scene and so on.
How does air flatter lungs? Sounds misinformed there. I can almost smell -- it was nice. You put it on a stand alone line. I drink in the air at that moment, cleanse my mind. But, I need proper setting so I can fully enjoy it.
This needs work and more expertise. It can be good.
I really enjoyed the feel of this poem about winter. It really had me envisioned this nature woman with frost white hair. Didn't totally get the feeling of the poem. It's the one poem I read where I think punctuation gets in the way.
I liked the pace of the read with short lines and impactful description. The ending scene was nice and put me there. It was good.
I liked the simplicity of this poem and the direct relating of feeling. It seems honest and may need a little direction to be truly informed.
The hook in your poem lays out well. Orange stained leaves is a good way to express, but is it accurate? How do leaves get that way I wonder.p? It stops me to think. Using 'goes' was not strong. The next two lines might trouble more:
Birds all fly in the same direction? Geese maybe, but that's not what I saw or see, and it confuses. Even though, it's generally right. These are small obstacles.
The cold wind comes from the west? My mother talks like that when she's reading from a Farmer's Almanac. Remember poetry is what you write. Just takes a little more showing to connect to some spirit or muse, as they used to say.
This poem has possibility. I think you should give it more attention. Keep those things in there that make it special so it can sing more the narrators feelings
I like what you convey in words in your first haiku. Gypsy bloom was nice. Surprised by she celebrates doom, but it's an expression with a dramatic conclusion about autumn.
Maybe try a stronger word than lost in first line, as a suggested improvement? Also, I think an easy fix for line two is remove those ess sounds on 'sings songs' and ess to wind...winds sing songs ...
Who celebrates doom is a big question. Who can this infer? Maybe, a revision could place an object to focus on.
This poem was brief and rhymed well without a clutter but had some flaws. Apostrophes on nouns weren't necessary. It speeds through the seasons rather than reflect on them. You could be in spring and stay there. Odd word choice with doom in first couplet.
The heat comes shining down didn't feel accurate, but not entirely bad as an expression. You tell but use words that describe. I felt this poem came close to connecting to nature and conveying to a reader. It just needs more experience discovering with more seasoned writing. Pun partly intended.
I liked the visual ability of your poem that gave me feelings of the poet or narrator describing the effect of nature. This person seems trapped by darkness and associates with night, even when a sunrise shown as blissful would greet anyone else more cheerfully.
There are some grammar problems in second verse that could be fixed that tripped me up, like the errant word 'that' which didn't need to be in first line.
Italics is nice for emotion, but for a whole poem..might be too much. I suggest punction to help a reader know what thoughts connect or separate. Beautiful language.
Weird that I got done with this thinking it rhymed. You skillfully got that past me. The middle verse was my favorite. The opening to this poem was plain and served a purpose but wasn't an eye opener. The last verse made me feel it needed to tie up better.
It was vague and not knowable what these dreams were about. I like to see more. Readers like me probably could enjoy dream analysis. You commonly state a problem that makes me wonder about lifestyle from stress, abuse to guilt and what you eat or experience during the day.
This poem reminds me how much I miss going to church. It also reminds me of the wonders of heaven and what the afterlife will be like. This poem seems hopeful of the promises of seeing God for the first time when a person arrives. But it's sort of a negates it when you write that he would be unapproachable. And maybe you didn't mean it that way, but that he feels unapproachable from earth? I like the stanzas and the brevity and how do you get to the point and the praises at the end. Maybe use the word "it" less , use only to introduce the stanzas rather than repeated within the stanzas. Otherwise nice job!
I'm wondering if this poem was inspired by a dream and you woke up and wrote all these feelings down. I think this is about putting a girl on a pedestal. It also feels a bit stalkery like he witnesses from afar.
There are a lot of great expressions, words we long to hear from a guy, if he's the one we want attention from. This makes the voice sound more needy than self-assured. It's hard to come off somewhere between that and arrogant.
This poem could use some editing and structure. It rambles a bit but it has a good heart, just needs a little focus.
I found this poem very aggressively chastising another for not being there or not following through. It reminds me about expectations from others. Friends who depend on each other this much might be co-depedent. It made me think the person writing this exposed the self as the villain for lashing out at someone who may have backed off because of anger or need issues? Hope it was intended that way. Don't mean to insult thi writer of this.
Typo: hide or Hyde? I might be wrong.
Rhyme: used often but did not follow pattern
Imagery: lacking
Narrative: intense and misleading (maybe good thing)
Does telling someone off in rhyme have more impact? Creative outlet? Maybe, it's rap?
This poem shined at moments with a great emotional push, with some imagery at the end that could have been used more frequently between the lines.
You represent some strong feelings but not without much the reader can concretely envision until I get to those last two stanzas. And then I thought, why not introduce that second to the last stanza at the beginning. Then, you can give the reader something to visually fixate on while they read the words. Then, the poem can come to a more revealing conclusion.
I liked your poem and the analogy you build but I can't help thinking ... without the catepillar there is no butterfly. Not that it diminishes what you portray ... But couldn't it be about the evolution from the catepillar to the butterfly that would make a better ending to our story. Because we cannot cast out the infidels ... caterpillars ... we could however teach all the world to become beautiful butterflies?
The poem is still wonderful and you write really well.
I very much enjoyed your imagery. It is a beautiful description of a fall sunset. I almost feel like the second and third stanzas could be interchanged however, since I would see the day as the briliant orange and blazing garden before it reaches the point of "dark silhouettes" in the sky. I am also a bit distracted from the beauty by your use of "gloom" in the third stanza. I liked "grim" as it was a perfect fit for dusk, but "gloom" seemed to be a bit out of place for this portion. Overall I really enjoyed your quatern.
Jen
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