I enjoyed reading this chapter. The back and forth between Unarak and Ayu felt like an authentic interaction between father and son. The anxiousness of Ayu wanting to make his father proud came through your writing. And Unarak's responses to Ayu felt like genuine concern of a father for his son as he is learning the difficult lessons of life and the tribe.
The characters felt real and the setting they were in fit the scene. What I enjoyed the most was Ayu's interaction with the tree. I felt the process he was going through as he reached out and bonded with the tree while pushing his own abilities to do better.
I think what I liked the least was the description of Ayu's failure with the pig. It felt very raw compared to the flow of the rest of the chapter. I reread it and it just seemed to not quite fit with the flow. Maybe it just went on for a bit long.
One last thought has to do with the thought that a battle may or may not happen. What seems to be missing is any kind of tension regarding it. It's mentioned kind of casually and no one is terribly excited by it. I wonder if ending the chapter with a little more tension about the battle might set the tone for the next couple of chapters. If it's not an important battle, then maybe presenting that before the end of the chapter would also help set the tone.
Overall, I enjoyed the piece and I like your writing style! Good job! Keep writing!
I'm not well-versed at critiquing poetry but this one caught my eye.
It flowed nicely and interested me enough to continue reading through it. My gut says that most of us reading this have a reaction similar to "Yeah, been there!". It's nice to see someone put into words what many of us have experienced.
I only have one constructive comment. While I assume that you have a particular set of experiences in mind with someone when you wrote this, I wonder if changing the last stanza to say "You're not the person I want you to be" would make this a more universal bit of prose?
Another great story! I definitely like your writing style!
The characters were believable and their interactions fit the situation. They expressed the usual human doubts and frustrations with finding, what appeared to be, an idyllic plant and ecosystem.
The plot was a typical one, but you made it fresh by not having monsters jump out and ravage the men. Who would suspect that a bunch of plants could be a problem?
I enjoyed how you described the planet and it's inhabitants. It was just enough to get a feel for its peaceful nature.
You did a good job with the dialogue, too. It flowed from person to person and felt very natural.
I was pleasantly surprised by the ending. Didn't see it coming!
I'm always interested in time/time travel stories and how writers portray the concept. You provided just enough science to make it believable and your mouse-in-the-pocket metaphor was a good inclusion.
It's also nice to see blue-collar characters in a science fiction piece about time. It brings it down to earth, so to speak. You did a good job with the characters.
Another nice trick was how the moving walkway not only moved the characters through the story, but it felt as if it was moving me through it, too. Well done!
I'm looking forward to seeing other pieces by you.
This is a good start to a story that captures the reader's interest. It puts the main character into a challenging situation, detention by community service, which turns into an even more surprising series of events for Sean. Little is known about Sean so it's easy to assume that he is a high school student.
The story flows well until the awkward statement "He figured that the plate must be a worm hole or portal." What is it about Sean that makes him jump to that conclusion? Does this occur at a time when portals are common and can be expected? He doesn't express the typical surprise of someone faced with a totally unexpected and implausible situation.
Perhaps a little background as to why Sean reacts this way would give the reader some insight into his unusual acceptance of this event.
This is a great start to story that quickly tells the reader that more exciting things are ahead for them.
This was an interesting start. There is enough information about Justin to keep me reading, but not enough yet for me to decide if he is a character I can root for. Good work conveying the boredom Justin feels at doing the night clerk job!
The exchange between Justin and Corbett when she grabs him sounds a little forced. When he declares "I'm gay, you idiot!" it felt like an awkward thing to say after all that Justin had just experienced in the past few moments. If Justin's sexual preference is important to establish early in the story, I wonder if having him glance occasionally at a photo of his boyfriend while sitting at the front desk would have been enough for the reader to get the context.
Great job on this portion of the story and I'd be interested in reading more!
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