Thank you for that lovely story, Sidney.
I remember well those hot, carefree, long-forgotten summers of youth when accidents were remembered by the scars. J for Jessica -- I like that -- it could be an alternate title!
The basic plot is very clear. Two girlfriends are trying to outdo each other, climbing trees in the neighborhood and one falls while climbing a dead tree. As a result, the other girl's father cuts down all the dead trees in the neighborhood, therefore taking away "half your kingdom."
I liked: "We had conquered all the available trees in my backyard by that time in my youth, but not this one." Also, the description of the tree that "...in her foolishness [she] resolved to climb." is a good prelude to the accident.
In the following paragraph, I enjoyed your sentence: "[The scar] was gone by the time a softball left her hand and collided with my face at the end of the summer." I also like your description of you arguing with your father over the trees. And, of course, the last line is a wonderful way to end the story.
I do have a few suggestions which you may consider. In my opinion, mentioning what you don't remember about the event isn't necessary. We all forget details but take it from someone with a terrible memory, you can just use poetic license and write it as the story requires.
For example, in the first paragraph, you could start straight off with, "The days were hot, but we never seemed to feel it. We languished when the streetlights came on and we had to go inside. The day in question was midsummer..."
Later, "I didn't see the moment that Jessica lost her footing..."
In the last paragraph, you might write, "Her mother didn't react much to the injury. She probably knew..."
Also, I would suggest that you break the third paragraph in two at "Not a week later..."
In conclusion, It was a pleasure reading your story and I wish you all the best with your writing. Have a wonderful day!
I've just read your story and would like to give you my thoughts. For starters, I'll say that your title attracted me from among a list of options. And, although I had no idea what to expect, the first sentence established the premise very well: An old mouse recounting stories to a young one.
From there it moves to different stories of human-mouse interactions. Seeing these interactions from the point of view of two different generations is an interesting juxtaposition that uncovers a variety of themes: Do humans love, or hate, mice? Do they prefer mice of any particular color (racial overtones)? How can you understand humans?
Of course, what you're really setting up is the twist at the end when Montague recounts the bald and shiny mouse he had seen to which the Grandpa replies, "No accounting for taste, I guess!"
That got a smile on my face. Well done!
I have a few suggestions on how you might improve the story. You may take them or leave them; this is only my opinion. I'm not sure if your story was written for a contest with, perhaps, a word count limit, however, I will say that the story felt a bit rushed. There is an opportunity to develop the characters more expanding the dialog a bit. I'd like to know why Grandpa wanted to get into the kennel. I'd like to know why Monteque didn't want to remember the cemetery and why he is grateful for the task of talking with his Grampa.
As for the ending, you might also be able to make it even more humorous with additional irony, taking advantage of the fact that the two mice don't even know it's not alive.
There you have it. It's a nice short piece of fiction that, with a bit of work, could be even better. Best luck to you as a writer! Keep writing!
Greetings Lena, I enjoyed reading your story. Overall it works very well. Naturally, there are some small difficulties with the English language, a few awkward frases and such, but the idea is very clear. You manage to create a horrifying situation that I thought was moving into the fanatasy/horror genre, but it fact the protagonist what only having a bad dream. What I especially like is the discussion with the husband about parallels between dreams and movies and the way it's tied into their trip to Chicago. Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with the movie, Legend of 1900.
My suggestion: try to find a native speaker to proofread before posting. You will learn a lot from seeing the corrections, and readers will better understand and appreciate your stories. Great job in general and I commend your courage to post in a language that is not your mother tongue. PS: Although I am an English speaking native, I live in a non-English speaking country and have to often write in my second language. It takes a lot of work to reach total fluency writing in another language and I'm not there yet!
Anyway, great job! keep working on your writing -- you're doing great!
Ouch, that hurt! Torn the smile right off of me. And well done at the same time. Your short story starts out so benign, like, let's look into the efforts of distressed people who want to help themselves, let's commend the doctor's who assist them, and then boom! Totally unexpected. Dark and...soon to be a major motion picture. But I don't want to spoil the ending.
Great job -- keep on writing!
Greetings Beholden,
I've just joined the site and yours is the first piece for review that they've sent my way, so I'm going to give it a whirl.
Let me start with my general impression: The opening definitely drew me in. I like the idea of someone perhaps trying to fulfill their dream of becoming a detective -- imitating all the classic cliques and settling down to wait for their first client.
Then you describe his impatience and boredom, which eventually draws him to look absently out the window. He sees a man in the shadows of an alley, possibly looking his way. When he looks again he is gone.
Finally, you take the reader toward the unexpected twist at the end.
Overall, a pretty effective story. You were able to hook the reader from the start, both with the title and the intro.
Now I would like to make some suggestions. The first one concerns Holdfast's impatience. He starts a new business, puts the sign up, and begins to wait. According to the story, after 50 minutes he is "desperate in his boredom." This was the first moment that confused me slightly. No publicity, no experience, no outreach, and after 50 minutes he's already "desperate."
It seems to me that you could spend a little more time developing the character during his wait. His long, boring first day is a great period to describe his worries, plans, hopes and quirks. Why did he want to be a detective? Maybe build a touch of mystery around the file cabinet. Or maybe paint a picture of some personality flaw that makes the final twist all the more surprising.
The second suggestion I have concerns the ending. When the contents of the folder are finally revealed, I was left surprised, but mostly confused. How did the photo arrive there only a moments after the mystery man disappeared from the alley. The only moment the envelope could have been put there physically was during the time that Holdfast "...stayed motionless, back against the wall." With his back against the wall he's looking into the room -- How could someone get something into the bottom drawer of the cabinet without him noticing?
Or the other possibility -- magic? But that requires too much of a stretch for the reader. If there is magic in the story it has to be used according to the rules of the story, but here magic was never introduced.
So my suggestion is that you should spend a little time thinking backward from the ending. How did the "top secret" folder get there? Then create the literary events that lead up to that surprise ending. Maybe it'll reveal who the mystery man was? Maybe Mr. Holdfast went down to the hall to the bathroom and wasn't there for a few minutes. You as the writer should have a clear idea of how things happen, so you can write enough to convince the reader.
Like all writing, stories get better with rewriting. You have a great start and a little more work could make it much better. Good luck on your writer's journey!
Greetings Beholden,
I've just joined the site and yours is the first piece for review that they've sent my way, so I'm going to give it a whirl.
Let me start with my general impression: The opening definitely drew me in. I like the idea of someone perhaps trying to fulfill their dream of becoming a detective -- imitating all the classic cliques and settling down to wait for their first client.
Then you describe his impatience and boredom, which eventually draws him to look absently out the window. He sees a man in the shadows of an alley, possibly looking his way. When he looks again he is gone.
Finally, you take the reader toward the unexpected twist at the end.
Overall, a pretty effective story. You were able to hook the reader from the start.
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