Some would say shark fishing is a type of suicide but that's for others to determine, I'll make no judgements. This piece was written in a conversational style as if we were having a beer together trading fish stories. I like the style and while there is no room for metaphors or colorful descriptive phasing, it is apropo for a fish story. If this is nonfiction, my only recommendation is to stick to bass fishing.
This story had some good imagery. I could follow the events of the story quite well. I could feel the coldness of the day and the efforts the main character endured to follow his pray. It read like the author had some experience hunting. Little things like detailing the proper sequence of setting up the rifle to take a shot added credibility to the story. There were some parts where the reading bogged down due to some complex sentence structure, improper wording and misplaced punctuation. This was a nice story and fun to read.
Suggestions:
The author must take care with his word choices and sentence structure. Here are some examples and suggestions for improvement:
For three miles along the high Colorado mountain range, he tracked the animal – This is written with a passive structure. The subject “he” and verb “tracked” should be at the beginning of the sentence. It reads easier in an active format – suggestion: He tracked the animal for three mile along the high Colorado mountain range.
Jack was part of a six men hunting trip, friends for a long time. This was their yearly trip to Colorado. – This statement came out of the middle of nowhere. It should be in the first paragraph to help set the plot. It read like an after thought. (should be “six-man”) suggestion: Jack looked forward to his yearly hunting trip. He and five long time friends were out to bag themselves a trophy buck.
As Jack peered over the hillside, he noticed the Elk was closer but at a bad stance. –awkward structure. Reads better as two sentences: Jack peered over the hillside. The elk was closer but at a bad stance.
While calculating that the Elk would run down to the nearby meadow, that’s if the Elk did what Jack, had hoped he would do. - This is not a complete sentence. Suggestion: Jack hoped that the elk would run down to the nearby meadow.
There were many examples of imprecise sentence structure. Try writing in shorter sentences and avoid commas as much as possible.
Here’s an example of what I mean. This is from the section of the story I put into my favorite snippet section below: …to take advantage of the Elk’s location and imminent demise, he waited. This would be much stronger if you separated he waited into a sentence of its own. - …to take advantage of the Elk’s location and imminent demise. He waited. – short precise sentences build tension better.
Good story. It held my interest. It held good tension and a forthright plot.
Favorite snippets:
Jack raised his rifle and flipped the scope covers up. He positioned his arm against the tree to make it more stable. He quietly bolted a round in the chamber and as he peered through the scope to take advantage of the Elk’s location and imminent demise, he waited. Jack followed the animal through his scope seeing the Elk walk… – this whole paragraph was quite good at holding tension. It had great detail and added to the credibility of the entire story. Good job.
Regards,
murf
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Nothing is everything. The universe is full of mostly nothing. Yet it is everything there is. What fills the void left by nothing is what is important as your example of the empty spaces relates. Zero means nothing. The ancient Arabs invented that concept. The difference between a popper and Bill Gates is in the number of zeros in their bank accounts. Give a poor man a few zeros and his life will change. Nothing is a one word oxymoron for nothing is everything.
regards,
murf
A bit of self-promotion from a ghostwriter for hire – boo.
Critique:
The author developed a humorous and clever concept in this piece. A ghost that writes for a living (or death) can be a fun character for a short story or a longer novel. The author introduces the reader to the character through a first person monolog with a tongue-in-cheek style. It is a good introduction for a potential satire on writers and the business of writing. However, the author stops there. As a concept it is intriguing but the story is far from complete. I look forward to reading about the trials and tribulations of this ghostwriter, who by the way has no name, if ghost have names. Complete the story and this could be a gem.
Suggestions:
Write more. Develop a plot and go for it.
“When I told my fellow ghosts about the communication with humans, they laughed” – write with more active phrasing. Should read: My fellow ghosts laughed when I told them about my communications with humans.- Active phrasing read easier and keeps the reader in the story.
Overall impression:
Clever concept. There are a few humorous stories in there.
Favorite snippets:
I will say there is some difficulty using the keyboard. I have to use all my electromagnetic power just to tap the keys. – good information for the reader, could set-up some funny situations.
Regards,
murf
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Corbin recounts his experience with the great flood of 2002 in the Maple Grove apartment complex, a cataclysm that ruined the lives, or at least the Christmas holiday, of many of the survivors.
Critique:
This story was well written. The plot flowed well and terminated with a satisfying ending. Your narrator, Corbin, told the story in a humorous tongue- in-cheek manner that was delightful to read. Technically, the writing was good, however, there were some instances of passive phrasing such as: “It seemed, as the residents had made their respective preparations, they had shared a common thought.” I think it would be better if constructed as follows: It seemed, the residence shared a common thought as they made their respective preparations. The “common thought” is the subject and should be stated first. (Fewer words, more punch).
There were other examples of passive phrasing: “Number two of his top three was the time he had caught. – Remove “had”.
Note: stories written with active phrasing read better. I’ve had difficulties seeing this in my writing and still often fall into the trap. Look it up on the web. There are many good grammar web sites with better explanations than I can give you. I won’t be calling your attention to this as I continue my raid into your portfolio. I don’t want to be repetitive in my reviews.
Suggested improvements:
I think this story would pop it was written in the first person. Your character of Corbin has a charmingly cynical mind. Let him tell the story in his own words. It would be a hoot.
Overall impression:
Loved the situation. You could really take it places. Although, tell me. What do Corbin’s neighbors have against him, Pissing and writing on his door? There’s a story there, I think.
Favorite snippets:
“Corbin had sent the young vandal home with a Hitler moustache, a pirate’s eye patch and a lesson he would never forget.” – Love this guy Corbin.
Becket ran. Run Becket run. From what, to what, he did not know. It was all he could do. There were some hints: maggots; was he dead? And what does purple taste like?
Critique:
This story was bizarre. It had no real beginning and no real ending. Why this marathon began and how it will end is up to the reader. That is its strength and it’s weakness. Its strong point was that it left a lot up to the imagination of the reader. You come away with more questions than answers, like Becket himself. It weakness was that the reader had more questions than answers. Stories without resolution are only half done. However, for what it was, this avant-guard piece was exciting read. I suggest you try put more feeling in the piece. Becket was too analytical. I sensed no panic, no fear and only a hint of heavy breathing, no burning lungs or fatigued legs.
Suggested improvements:
some missing commas and conjunctions:
Stupid, stumbling and blind Beckett crashed through the night.
As he pounded onwards(comma) the landscape gradually changed,,,,
All the while(comma) Beckett could sense the pursuit going on behind him,….
perhaps he would have, if he had had the breath to. need only one “had”
Try putting Becket under more stress.
Overall impression:
This was an exciting story. I enjoyed the read. A little more depth of character would have added to my enjoyment.
Favorite snippets:
He felt he was being toyed with, a fish given line before being reeled in. – nice imagery
This is a short story about a young boy who has some destructive tendencies. He relishes destruction on a massive scale and imagines himself both the Creator and a destroyer. He is apparently suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder or perhaps he is a god in training.
Critique:
You story was imaginative. I enjoy reading stories that contain some black sardonic humor as this one does. Although you showed Michael’s enjoyment with his fantasy, I think you could have added some more insights into his emotional state during the destruction of London. I would have liked to read more about how he felt as he was on his rampage. Did he find sadistic pleasure in imagining the destruction of London by his hands? Did he enjoy the suffering of people? He comes off a bit detached, like a child with autism.
Suggested improvements:
The story flowed well. I had no problem keeping up with the plot. Michael’s propensity for destruction was intriguing. I wanted to know more about him, which motivated my comments above.
I had some trouble with your writing. It came across somewhat passive, especially in the beginning. In paragraph 2 you wrote: “Michael liked to build all kinds of things; build them, then destroy them. Last week he had built a mountain then he had been a dinosaur smashing it down, breathing fire onto the mountainside, burning the villages and fields there. Before lunch he had dug into the sand to make a busy harbour with boats and cranes made from his building blocks. He had sent a sand tsunami raging through the harbour town, flattening and burying it just in time to run in for his sandwich (ham) and crisps (Salt and Vinegar).”
The addition of the word “had” before your verbs weakens the sentences, makes them read passive. Active sentences read better. Remove them and I think you’ll find your writing will become crisper.
Overall impression:
This was an interesting narrative into the mind of a troubled child. If you probe a little deeper into Michael’s psyche you will have a really good psychological tale.
Favorite snippets:
“Michael liked television; the words meant nothing to him, even the subnormal dialogue of the afternoons’ idiocy was lost on him, but the images! Some of the bright, glowing pictures were held forever in his growing mind.” – This sentence provided good insight into Michael’s thoughts.
Do shy people have all that going on in their heads? Reads more like an English teacher with schizophrenia. Anyway, I enjoyed your piece a lot. Did I write "a lot" I meant to write "very much" or maybe even "immensely" no "very much" would have been fine, Jeez what a dope.You must have had fun writing this. It seems like something you'd do stream of consciousness style. It was very imaginative and quite humorous. The compulsive ass checking, the preoccupation with grammar and the fixation on the Astrovan made this story feel more like a trip into the mind of a mad woman then a shy little girl. If I didn't read your introduction, that is what I would think the story was about. Regardless, it works. It's one of those stories you don't have to read every sentence to get, although if you don't, you may miss something truly funny.
regards,
murf
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Your story was wonderfully descriptive. The first ten paragraphs painted a precise picture of Zan and her surroundings as she wound her why through the crowd. By the time I had finished them, I was pulled completely into the story and had no choice but to continue reading to the end.
Your characters where vibrant and multidimensional, especially Zan. I had no difficulty understanding their motivations and was able to form clear mental images of each character and scene.
I had some slight difficulty with the paragraph involving the running faucet. It was a bit choppy and was missing a word in the first sentence: Once at the rooms, Ruva paused inside door long enough to lock it on his way to the bar,(there should be a "the" before "door"). However, this is a minor issue in an otherwise well written piece and was the only time my reading slowed.
The story's plot was well built with a slow, rhythmic pace. I didn't feel hurried or pushed. The effort you put into the descriptions of each scene as the plot progressed, pulled me along instead of requiring me to continually try to catch up.
Your ending was subtle but did not disappoint because the joy of reading was in the trip not in the what was waiting at the conclusion. Good work.
Regards,
murf
This was a sweat little fairy tale. I smiled through the entire reading and had to fight back the urge to giggle like the subject of your story. I'm a guy you see, and guys just don't giggle. The character of Swen was a perfect match for the candy shop. He was as gregarious as a double fudge chocolate cake and as generous as an extra large bag of M&Ms. Your narrative was efficient with good economy of words and your descriptions of the candy were so real that I needed to give myself an insulin shot. One word of advice. Be sure to add a warning to diabetics to check their blood sugar before reading your story. I love to read little gems like this.
Regards,
murf
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