Hi Ken, This is beautifully written and as someone who has known quite a few who have succumbed to the darkness. The words flow well and I particularly like the final stanza with how the shadows play against the wall, it is a heartbreaking image that is conjured up.
Keep up the good work.
What a fascinating read. Finding ones muse is certainly paramount and intertwined with finding ones true voice.
As writers we have the ability to slip in and out of different voices, as an actor would slip in and out of different characters costumes. Finding our own "true" voice is certainly hard and at times we as writers can fall into the trap of regurgitating the styles and sentiments of favoured writers.
This short story is brilliant. Capturing the terror of the interrogation from the "olds" after being caught out after curfew, took me back to my own teenage years.
The characters, despite not being physically described, rose before my eyes as flesh and blood.
I wonder how many interrogations have been halted by the Mrs walking in...
Firstly, this is not the right thing to be reading while in an office during my lunch break. Safe to say, I scared a number of team members when I burst out laughing.
Pool Ol' Grandma. I do feel quite sad that she didn't also get eaten by the dragon. Seems like such a waste. Great work.
Vivid imagery abound in this poem, highlighting the beauty that can be found in nature.
I am unable to offer much in the way of critical analysis as I have not found anything within these lines to be critical of. The meter is well measured and I didn't find myself tripped up by any lines.
My favourite stanza "Each blossom becomes,
A luminous lantern,
Which upon, the wind blows," is perfection.
I found this piece absolutely fascinating and read each line with interest.
The only line that tripped me up slightly was this: "The Cage felt as unhappy as never in its life."
I found I had to read it twice whereas the rest of the lines flowed smoothly through my mind.
Great work. Keep it up.
"If Sirens were responsible for deaths at sea, then Elves were responsible for deaths on land." Is a brilliant line. You have some typos throughout your short story. "You're the one, not your the one" for instance.
I think this could be worked into a full novel if you felt so inclined. I have read a LOT of fantasy and sci-fi stories in my life and can see elements of some classics including the Pern series. Keep up the good work.
I have been a fantasy reader basically my entire life and as you've no doubt realised it can be basically impossible to come up with a "new idea". After all, there are a finite number of plot points that we are able to draw upon as writers. That being said, you have hooked me with this tale. I am interested in seeing where this tale leads and liked that the perspective was from a creature, which was not at all obvious to begin with.
The dialogue seems slightly stilted in parts and rushed in others. The rush seems to fit with the pre-battle frenzy however make sure that you don't rely too heavily on the oft used descriptors and forget to progress the story. Well done :)
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/murphy87
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 5:21pm on May 01, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
