Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.
First Impressions
You've created an interesting world and a great launching point to illustrate your views.
Questions/Suggestions
You'll want to watch your commas. Don't place them in front of a verb unless there is a matching one after the subject. (i.e., I, on occasion, wish) Punctuation almost always comes inside the quote marks. (I spoke with "The Boss.")
In the first intro line, "sustains" should be "sustain.
In the fifth stanza, you introduce a cathedral. Is the cathedral and the Church one and the same? In the eighth stanza, you don't need the comma before using. In the ninth stanza, it gets confusing as to whom you are referring to when you keep using "he."
When he saw Willie, is this "he" the man on the bench or the bus driver? When you say the driver pointed at Willie, we assume that it's the only driver we know-the bus driver. Only in the next paragraph are we shown that the man on the bench is a chauffeur.
Is the driver a professional? It doesn't sound like he's very good at what he does. In the eleventh paragraph, you don't want a comma after "were" in the last sentence. In the next paragraph, we all know what door knockers are for, so you don't need to explain the function of the door knocker.
In the thirteenth paragraph, two men's head, head should be plural to match the plural subject. In the next paragraph, you don't want the comma after "skull" as it separates you subject from your verb (hair/was).
In the fifteenth paragraph, I think it would be clearer that he doesn't know where the light comes from if you omitted the sconce. The sconce and unknown origin seem to contradict each other. "Shinning" should only have one n. In the next paragraph, you don't need the commas in the last two sentences.
You don't need punctuation in and around "Come in" in the next paragraph. You don't need the comma after door. In the next paragraph, "breath" should be "breathe" and you don't need the comma after "air."
In Albert's speech, you have extra quotation marks inside his dialog. (...Stanley.""Just...) When one person has a long speech that extends for more than one paragraph, you don't need the closing quotation marks. By omitting the closing marks, you indicate to the reader that the speaker isn't finished and continues to speak in the next paragraph. (You do need the opening ones though.)
In the second paragraph of Chapter 2, it should be "would bring" instead of "were bring." When you have a plural subject (they) the rest should be plural as well. For instance, "They have a weak mind." Mind should be plural to match they.
In the ad, "till able" should be one word. Since you don't have acres in caps the second time, I don't think you need it in caps the first time. Also, what does m/l mean in this instance (500 acres m/l)?
Overall
I like how you have arranged things in this world. It's backwards (in some ways) from today. A solid proof read and edit would do wonders for the piece. There are numerous commas that you don't need. However you have a solid foundation. Your descriptions give us a glance into this world you've created. It's an interesting "what if" viewpoint.
If you have more of the story posted, you might include a link at the bottom ({item:#####} replace the #s with the id number). A link would allow readers to move seamlessly from one section to the next.
Keep writing!!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
|