There's something about your prose that makes it easy to read. Your sentences are really good, and your beginning sentence and paragraph established the goal of Nao and hooked me in right away.
I like the way you make short paragraphs and easy, informal sentences.
Also, i like the way it starts with a comical tone and ends in horror.
The story describes the right aspects of the setting and characters. I would love to read more of it.
Although I wasn't moved by the plot as much (because I never experienced a prospective stepson relationship ) I think the prose was masterfully crafted.
Dont worry about typos, i noticed only few (lo and behold, peek etc.) Plus im not a native English speaker so these were the only ones i gathered.
Only improvement i'd suggest story wise is if you can raise the stakes a bit. I understand it's about an intricate relationship but readers can see it as a bit mundane as much as it's realistic.
Since it's fiction and Danny doesn't exist, maybe you can do worse things than scold him, you know. But maybe I'm just desensitized after reading all themessed up things, hehe.
It might be worth givig a little sneak peek about the hallucination of the creature a bit, too, enigmatcally.
Overall i think the author has a lot of potential to write great stories.
The first sentence was very strong and instantly created the atmosphere. It took me a moment to realize the man who drew out the gun was Mr. Thompson. I like the way you described the nonverbal languages as well. Keep writing.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 2:54pm on May 18, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "