*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/neopowell
Review Requests: OFF
20 Public Reviews Given
20 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Ice Crystals  
Review by Jimmy Powell
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey, well done, this was a really good use of the prompt, particularly the detail about the arrow carved into the tree. The piece as a whole was very evocative, and I thought your use of short, choppy sentences in the last paragraph gave a real sense of the character's confusion. To take this idea a little further, I'd suggest making the very final line of the piece a bit longer, so you get a real sense of build-up and release.

It probably wasn't practical within the word limit, but the main thing I'd suggest building on is the 'friends' and their relationship to the main character. At the moment they come across like a pack of rabid animals, which seems a bit one-dimsensional. I'd suggest exploring what happens after this particular story finishes, and what their reactions are, if you're planning to expand on it further.

Looks like neither of us won this time, but I really enjoyed this piece, well done!
-JIMMY
2
2
Review of Loss  
Review by Jimmy Powell
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, this was a very powerful piece. I thought your use of punctuation was absolutely spot-on, you captured the train of the narrator's thoughts perfectly. It's difficult, in first-person, to walk the line between a flow that reflects the way real people may think and something that just ends up being messy. You got the balance just right, and this piece as a whole had a wonderful sense of claustrophobia about it.

Absolutely brilliant, this definitely deserved the win.
-JIMMY
3
3
Review by Jimmy Powell
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This had a really nice contrast between a serious, dramatic opening and the slightly absurdist ending. I liked it a lot. There's a couple of technical notes I'd give, but that's all:

"...potholes lying in the middle of dirt sidewalks, two QC girls in too tight blue..."

Why a comma here, rather than a full stop? All the other bits of imagery in this paragraph are presented as seperate sentences, which works as it gives a suggestion of cutting from image to image. Why did you change it for this bit?

"the Michelin Man logo grinning to one side, the imitation silver necklace of the recently burned thief, grinning to another."

The last comma after the word 'thief' is clunky, I'd suggest removing it to let the description flow better.

"Nobody he knew, knew that, cared enough to know that."

I can see what this sentence is meant to say, but I think it could be better presented. I'd suggest turning it into two seperate thoughts completely, something like: 'Nobody knew that. Nobody cared enough to know that.'

That's just punctuation stuff, the story was really good and I found the descriptions of the marketplace very evocative. Cheers,
-JIMMY
4
4
Review of High End Cutlery  
Review by Jimmy Powell
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Despite the pun in the item description, I thought this was a very well-conceived piece of work. Because there was little given about why he despised his family, I read the piece as being about a man who has projected feelings of self-loathing onto an external source, unwilling to face his own shortcomings. If this isn't the case, I'd advise putting in a little more background about why he feels the way he does about his family, otherwise run with it.

I'd suggest changing the final sentence of the penultimate paragraph ('his knives), or removing it completely. I understand the idea behind the emphasis, but repeating the same thought without variation seems to add little to the piece. Alternatively, edit the sentence before so it isn't a simple repeat: 'Their smiles beam from their faces like sunlight that hits the knives. His knives.'

That's the only suggestion I've got, good work!
-JIMMY
5
5
Review of The Changed Man  
Review by Jimmy Powell
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nice stuff, I guess whenever you read a fantasy book about some powerful wizard it's often easy to overlook what their assistants have to go through, particularly if they're as inept as this one seems to be. The little bit at the end was great, I've worked in customer services myself and frequently had to use similar tricks to catch out customers looking to hoodwink me.

I'd like to see this piece expanded, really, it would be great to know more about Polme. Why is he working this job? What are his ambitions? How smart is he? If you wanted to take it further, you could develop it into the old staple of the inept master and the clever servant. Sort of Jeeves & Wooster with magic potions.
-JIMMY
6
6
Review of The Desk  
Review by Jimmy Powell
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a really neat idea, I can certainly imagine it would be a great way to relax on a starship, but I'd advise working some more on the language and punctuation. When you're writing, try and think of your text as being read out loud. Listen for where the pauses fall, where new thoughts come in, and use commas, full stops, question marks, all that jazz accordingly.

For example, your first sentence:

"Why did it always smell wet, everytime it seemed."

What we've got here is a question, and a response. You've seperated them up, which is great, but the comma gives the effect of the same thought being continued with a quick break. What works best is to present them as two seperate ideas, almost as though it's two characters speaking. You can do this by fully ending the first thought and starting the next one as a new sentence:

"Why did it always smell wet? Every time, it seemed."

Now it's a question, and an answer, which gives it more of a feel of suspense. The same rough formula can be applied to pretty much any writing, just keep in mind how everything sounds when it's read out loud. Here's another example:

"his eyes opened fully now he glanced at the ensign, damn they make em younger and younger he thought."

This portion of the text has a description (eyes open), an action (glancing), a thought, and a closing adjective. Try and seperate each of these things so they can all receive the attention they deserve:

"his eyes opened fully now, he glanced at the ensign. 'Damn, they make 'em younger and younger,' he thought."

Now the ideas are broken up a little, a reader can enjoy each of them as they come. Obviously this isn't a complete hard-and-fast rule, there's always going to be situations where you want a rush of words with no breaks because it can create a real sense of fear or excitement if used correctly (the last line of your own short story 'Royce' is a great example, the way that line is structured pretty much mimics exactly how I speak when I'm desperate to get rid of someone), but for the most part it's better to pace writing to seperate each thought and idea that goes into it.

Hope this helps. You have some really great ideas, keep it up!
-JIMMY
7
7
Review of The Axle Affair  
Review by Jimmy Powell
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This was a really nice piece. It shows how parents can be far more understanding than teenagers give them credit for. If I'm picking a high point, I loved the description 'long for my father, a man of few words.' It's a great little throwaway line that sums up his character nicely. It might be good to put in a couple more hints as to what the father is thinking right at the end; is it simply a case of him not being bothered about the grass, or does he know exactly what the son has been up to and is giving a tacit bit of encouragement? Or is it the opposite, and 'be careful where you drive it' is code for 'quit hanging round with girls at your age'?
-JIMMY
8
8
Review by Jimmy Powell
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Ahh yes, I also find the little details in a girl far more interesting than the amount of make-up she's wearing, or how expensive her clothes are. I like this piece, the final image suggests both an everyday little quirk that people have (I, for one, slice pizza somewhat abnormally) as well as a deeper sexual metaphor. Is that the reason for the 18+ rating?

On the transition between line three to four, was there a reason why you put the line break where you did? The jump from 'or' to 'ribs' on the next line is quite jarring to read. The rest of the piece flows very smoothly, which makes the layout choice for those words stand out quite a bit. Was this intentional?

Good work, anyway, I think deep down a lot of people think like this. Beauty is all well and good, but it's the quirks and tics that make people interesting. Give me that over a mask of foundation any day.
-JIMMY
8 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/neopowell