Hi there :) This is truly a funny piece of writing. I did find this one line which lacked clarity. There's lots of people know about
my famous public rants.” I just wonder if you need a who after people to give this line completion. Other than this one line, I think this is great. Given the life and times and what a mess the state of our political system has become, it seems all we can do is find some way to make humor out of it, and you have done that well! I know many who would find this to be the highlight of their day!
This poem made me sad in a haunting way. Lies and betrayal are subjects that can be written about with such passion and you do it in such a lovely way with this poem. I found it a little odd that you started stanza two and three with the same line but not stanza one, I would think for continuity sake you would want to start all the stanzas the same since it is really the only "schematic" thing you have here, otherwise I think this is a great piece.
I enjoyed this story. It was very well written, and I was surprised by the end and that was kind of nice. I thought it was a very interesting story and it kept me reading throughout. There were places where I felt it got bogged down a bit by extra words that were not needed. As an example take this sentence "She couldn't remember the sun; she'd only been four when the rock hit. " The words only and been could be removed and it could read she was four when the rock hit. Also the semi colon could be removed replaced with a period and a new sentence started. These are stylistic choices I know, but to me it would seem that it makes the flow a little better.
Otherwise, I really do feel this is a great piece and I am so glad to have come across it :)
First, there are lots of unneeded markings in your paragraphs. Your ellipses are not needed at all, the paragraphs would be much more effective with either a period and ending the sentence or a comma. And where you have single quotations they are not always clear because spacing issues and other odd markings that need to be cleared up.
With that said, should you choose to use an ellipse rather than a comma in paragraph one you need three periods, not two. Move down to "I shall reveal to you the secret of life." you have a period it should be a comma because you follow with said. When a character speaks it should always be a comma.
Also you continue quoting but I am not quite sure why you are using single quotes.
If this passage was taken from something, you never cite a source. And if you took creative measures to change it, you wouldn't need to quote the beginning the single speech you would just need to make it clear what the passage is based on if you want it made clear as long as you are not plagiarizing you are fine. But it is extremely confusing at this point.
2nd paragraph "It's" this should be Its. the next "it's" also should be its.Remove the ellipse with the comma in the middle it is unneeded and makes no sense that it is there. You say eat of the fruit. Would it not read smoother just to say eat the fruit? You call Eve his help mate fashioned from his rib one second and his sister the next. Are all the confusing and conflicting descriptives needed?
Next paragraph you have two unneeded ellipses. I would remove them. However, if you insist on keeping them, make them three periods as an ellipse is three periods. There is an unneeded + in this paragraph. You skip around in POV from EVE to ADAM here POV should not be this choppy, perhaps separate to two paragraphs.
Paradice should be Paradise
haste should be hast
heafer should be Hefer
Okay, again you quote at the end, if this was taken from something, you need to cite the source....if you took creative license, and you changed it completely the quotes aren't needed. Obviously, I know it's Genesis but there are many different versions of the bible so I don't know if you directly quoted or not to be honest.
There were lots of little errors that can be easily fixed and this can be a great little inspirational take on the story of Adam and Eve. It's only rated low because of the number of errors in it. If you fix them and let me know I will change my rating.
Hi there. What a beautiful poem of remembrance. I love poetry but must admit I am skilled at all the different forms of poetry there are out there, and I was thrown by the rhyming being at a different place in each stanza, so I appreciated your explanation at the end, because it allowed me to go back and truly appreciate the poem without questioning why it is the way it is...and I also learned something, which is always nice. As for what to change, there is nothing to suggest because it is well written, succinct, beautiful, and to the point. I enjoyed the message of the poem, and I think it is fully relatable by many and that is something that makes a poem distinct from good or great and yours was great.
Keep up the wonderful writing :)
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