Wow, disturbing! I thought Henry was just using an erector set, although I assumed what he built would be used against the man. I have one suggestion: who is calling the man "strange" - is it Henry or the author? Why is he "strange?" Is it because of his comments to Henry, or is it because of past behavior? Overall this is an interesting slice-of-life.
I am glad to see you are still around on writing.com! You have given a unique take on the old end of the world story. I love Clayburn's sense of humor! I only have a question of setting. I did not see any explanation of the characters' surroundings, and often wondered where they were. Just a little bit would help. I wouldn't want setting to take away from the wonderful dialogue!
This poem really got to me. The poem left me with a sick, depressed feeling. You even gave me chills. The emotions you portrayed through this poem are incredible. I could travel with you through the anticipation of birth and could feel with you the tragedy. Although you will probably never be able to capture these feelings fully, this was as close as ever. Thank you for sharing this poem with the writing.com community. If this true story is your own, I wish you the best in healing.
Greetings from another member of the Novelistic Dreams group!
Plot: The story is well-rounded, extremely well-paced and seems to make sense. Jack is in therapy for suicidal persons, and obviously does not want to be there. The story intrigues me, and I cannot wait to see more.
Character Development: The first-person pov in present tense always appeals to me because it enables the reader to see everything as it happens from a personal perspective (I am also writing my story in this way). I do not see it often, probably because it can be difficlt to pull off. You have pulled it off well. The main character is engaging, witty, and flawed. The other characters also have consistency and are interesting. Character development seems to be a strong in these two chapters.
Setting: I love the details because there aren't too many. I would not add any more. No contrived fluff stands in the way of the readers from seeing things through Jack's eyes. What he notices, we notice. I can picture the scenery without tons of information. The details only enhance the story.
Theme: I do not know exactly what the theme is going to be, especially with only two chapters to judge by. I can see Jack does not want help at this place but may need it.
Action: The story is consistently action and the actions of the characters helps keeps me engaged. I love the introduction of other guests, and the development of the madhouse's dynamics based on the actions of those guests. I think the danger the protagonist is facing is cooperation, because if he cannot be a witty, funny guy, what will he have left?
Story line: I was never distracted by changes in scene. The scenes compliment one another.
General comments: This story captured my attention from those first short sentences to the end of the second chapter, when I was as unsure as Jack about the cop's intentions. I want to stress that the characters are well-developed so far and the story is interesting. The sentences are varied in length and the language is colorful. Several sentences stuck out at me. I loved the passage with "mental chicken." Chapter two began with some incredible word choice. I really do want to read more and hope you are continuing to work on this piece.
Excellent start to your story! I really like how you take the monster in the beginning, Nicholai, and transform him into the troubled, sympathetic character he is.
I liked the quote:
"I guess it’s just easier to care for a physical wound than an emotional one.”
How true!
I am interested to see how the relationship with Jess will develop, especially after losing his father. Will Nicholai cut himself off from the world, and Jess struggle to get inside? Will she leave her boyfriend for him? What can she possible understand about pain?
I love the hint you gave that she does, indeed, have problems, even if they turn out to be completely different from Nicholai's. That said, I would like to see her preppy persona slowly dissolve, so that I can care for her more.
Minor grammar mistakes:
She tensed, certain she heard footsteps.
Calling on courage she didn't knew she possessed.
yet he had walked away and leaving(maybe left?) her physically unharmed.
“Get out!” he roared, looking terrifying, black hair matted and disheveled, eyes wild.
The word terrifying seems too general, and distracted me from the rest of the excellent description. You might even be able to take "looking terrifying" out, and still have a great description.
Unfortunately, this wasn't one of those nights.
I had one realism question. To me it seemed the fire had developed too suddenly. If a lighter flew across the room, wouldn't the flame go out? Just an observation.
You have an awesome start to your story, and I am eager to see how it develops.
Point taken--Indeed, it seems that many people take this site and all it had to offer for granted. I have had the priveledge of joining a support group in this support community that supports my efforts at writing.
My writing has improved, my reviewing skills have improved, and my self-esteem has improved. There's so much to read in this site, and it's easy to get lost for hours. Thank you for the FREE service you have provided everyone, regardless of their appreciation or lack of.
A belly full of a thousand caterpillars in frantic search for escape.
Wow, that image is crystal clear. A nice change from the old, "Butterflies-in-my-stomach."
A glance down the page breaks this spiral crash.
Vision returns, and mind and head reunite.
These two lines don't flow as well as the rest of the poem, but endings are hard to pull off well. Lord knows I have problems.
I do like the very last line. You ended on a note of, "I can get through this," which is a great transition from all those other images of stage fright.
This poem really is chock-full of effective images that really made me feel what your first reading was like. Keep writing/reading!
Chrystal
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