I think most people can relate to this, as few of us still live in the same town that we were born in. You've done an excellent job of bringing out the emotions inside the reader and making them connect to your poem.
My favorite stanza is the last one, especially the first and third lines. But the last line of that stanza doesn't quite seem to fit to me. The 'my country girlfriend' in "For you are one of a kind my country girlfriend" breaks the rhythm of the poem a little and jolted me out of it. I'm not sure what you could put in it's place, but maybe you could think about changing it? But it's your piece, so it's up to you.
You've got a lot of good imagery here, that I enjoyed. The repetition between the first and last stanzas was good at linking the two together and completing the poem. I especially liked the last two lines!!
I'm a litte confused about what the poem was actually trying to say...maybe because it's late at night, but it doesn't seem to be quite clear who the 'he' is...if it's God, or a crush...?
I liked the middle haiku here, talking about the change from nature to machinery, although it's not quite clear whether you are for or against this change...the first line is a little ambigious.
The first haiku was confusing, I didn't really understand what you were talking about, although I liked the imagery that you conjured with the last line.
I loved the first line of your third haiku, although again I'm not quite sure what you're talking about? Maybe you could solve the problem for the first and third haikus by adding a title to them?
Another brief, but poignant poem. It's something that few people consider 'good', the way that people change in appearance as they grow older.
It's not very clear though, as to whether you are merely talking about an aging person or someone who is dead. The word 'vacant' suggests dead, but there is nothing else, so I'm not quite sure...maybe you could try to clarify this?
Oh yes, I've had to deal with this too. It's difficult when there is poor customer service...i clearly remember my mother having arguments with various sales managers and PR people when we were traveling (as we spent most of my teenage life doing)...
A suggestion though, in the first stanza it's little unclear as to whether you are partially blaming the customer or not...maybe you'd like to clarify it?
Very sweet poem. I like the analogy between butterflies and freedom, and the repetition of it that you used to bind the poem together. I loved the last two lines
"Reminding her of what she will one day
Home free"
I'm guessing that Chameleon is the person, yes? Maybe it would be better if you left her un-named? It'd be a little easier to identify with the poem then, because you can imagine yourself in the speaker's place?
Your plot is very interesting, full of little details that are quite good. Your epilogue was very good as well at the showing how one event could mean two completely different things to two seperate people.
I like that you showed the persepectives of both characters, but it was difficult to get involved in the story. There was little to like about either character, so it was hard to get lost in the story. For example, from the beginning, when you see Nate imagining killing his father (without explaining why), it is very difficult to like him.
You write very well, it's just the characters that I think needs a little work.
Wow! Is this based on a true story? It's a lovely story, and a lovely present from a grandmother to a granddaughter.
You've shown the love that binds the two characters together, extremely well, and in a very touching way. The last line 'My Granny's loving gift to me' is a particularly good example of this, I think.
I didn't find any grammatical errors, and i loved the content.
Keep writing!
Nicolina
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Review for Humming Bird's Raffle
I'm one of those teens that you talk about, and although I don't live in America, I can certainly understand. We see so much violence and hatred in the world today that we become immune to a lot of it, we have to in order to survive without having a mental breakdown. Controversy is looked down upon, and we all learn to be quiet to avoid attracting attention.
I didn't see any grammatical or sentance construction errors, and the content is amazing. You're a very talented writer and i hope you continue to write!
Incredibly realistic! I liked how you included the sort of errors that children are prone to have...and I have a younger brother only slightly older, so I'm well aware of the errors they make in writing!
You included a realistic reason for this to be written, and your diction was of an appropriate level for young child age group. Even your ideas, and the flow of them, is accurate and you can almost hear Anne Marie's young voice reading it aloud to you.
There's no criticism that I can give, seeing as all the errors in here are ones that children would make!
Keep on writing, I'm really enjoying your work!
Nicolina
My eyes are wet after reading that! The emotions that you created, especially in the second half of the story, was amazing! I could feel each tug on the heart strings...and then you ended it on slightly lighter note!
I liked the creation of the two main characters, they seemed very realistic. Grandpa's willingness to be generous despite being short on money is laudable, and very accurate and appropriate for a grandparent. Cody's affection for his grandfather comes through clearly as well.
I didn't spot any grammatical or sentance structure errors, and the content itself was wonderful. Keep on writing,
Nicolina
Wow! What comes around, goes around, huh? That last line certainly had a very chilling tone to it, and I'm sure it's absolutely right! It'll be a dinner he would never forget. You've chosen a nice topic here, and one that most of us can relate to...on both sides of the equation. We've been both Josh and the victims...
I like the way you've made them appear to be unrelated, and only shown us snippets of things until the end when we realise it's all one family. It helps keep the suspense going.
You made the characters very realistic, which is good. You can almost sympathize with Josh at times, because he makes sensible decisions, at least to him, and it's very telling about human nature itself.
Constructive Review time! With the line "This time the horn stuck, blaring so loud ", I found the use of the word 'blaring' to be a little awkward. I understand what you were trying to say, but it makes the sentance stick a little instead of flowing.
I also thought I spotted a sentance construction error. Now, I'm not an expert at grammer, so I'm not sure about it, but I thought that in the line "He luckily wasn't going to be late for work", the word 'luckily' should come either at the beginning or the end, not in the middle like that?
But I really do like this piece, you've done a great job!
Keep writing,
Nicolina
Wow! I loved this, it was a very touching story. I especially liked the way you began it, asking why we ever doubted that dogs were beneficial to us. but I also have to admit, I didn't know most of those points!!
My suggestion is that you could actually explain why there is a 'problem' naming a border collie 'Shep'...because not every knows dogs, and could quite possibly get confused!
This is really beautiful, I love the imagery you've included in here! You've definitely managed to put us 'in' the scene, which is wonderful! I'm guessing that this was a work in imagery and detail, right?
I especially love the last line 'I struck up conversations with complete strangers, whom I might not see again, but who for the night, took on the mantle of `best friend`.'...it perfectly sums everything up and is beautiful!
The adrenalin and the rush that the narrator got from surfing was amazing, I could almost feel it in my own veins. At the same time, I wanted to kick him for going out with a fractured board...i was prepared for him to crash again, so it was a surprise when he didn't. In a way, it kind of weakened the story there. You seem to have been building up to something really massive, and then it kind of flatlined a little.
I liked your poem, it shows the emotions that you (or your character if it's fictional) are feeling quite clearly. I especially love the last two lines
'Then I will wish a rainbow for your skies
And catch the stars to sparkle in your eyes'
The imagery you've described here is absolutely amazing! It's very beautiful and I can see it in my mind's eye. My favorite line is 'Nothing said, nothing spoken and nothing assumed', it is extraordinary!
Your respect and love for God is also very clear, and it's nice that you have the confidence to state your beliefs so strongly...it's rare in the world today!
For a poem that never actually mentions what they are talking about, it's certainly very clear! You've clearly portrayed the inability to stop when the writing comes pouring out of you, and it's very good! Like I've said before, your imagery is very good, and clear. I especially love the drum imagery part.
I assume that the words in bold are your prompt, and i like the way you've woven it all together. I didn't quite like the way you split up the drum imagery, I thought it broke the pace of the poem a little bit. If it were together, I think it would flow a bit more smoothly.
I really liked your imagery in this poem, especially with the angel and the poison ivy wrapping around the two. My favorite verse is the first one, for the imagery you've piled into it.
Did you mean to write that a demon 'grew' by them? As in grow? Because I don't really understand that line, nor the line following that about the angel and demon hugging...could you take another look at them and see if you could possibly clarify what's happening or relook at your diction?
Keep on writing,
Nicolina
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