A brief look into the perfection that life sometimes is. I like the last line, the way it looks forward to the future and is very uplifting.
If you don't mind, I have a few suggestions. As always though, if you don't agree, you don't need to use them.
her peaceful sleep for about twenty minutes before she woke up.
If you were to rephrase 'her peaceful sleep' it could become a more active phrase, and be stronger than way. Also, I don't know that you need the part saying 'for about twenty minutes'. It just seems, to me, to slow everything down.
I liked the way you began with very beautiful and happy imagery, only to then turn around and change the entire tone of the piece. The helplessness in the final line of the poem " Realizing the dance would end when my partner chose." was particularly good as well.
My constructive criticism is that occasionally you slip between tenses, or phrase things a little awkwardly. An example of this is in the line "My lead I lost as my view is blurred.". I had to read it several times to understand what you were saying, and the verb 'is' has been written in present tense while the rest of your poem is on past tense.
A very cute poem, and I like the rhyming in the first two lines.
However, the last two lines are really confusing. Shimmying is the same as dreaming? That doesn't make sense to me...you might want to clear that up. Just a suggestion though, and if you don't agree...well, that's your perogative and you don't have to use it.
Well, that was an interesting turn of events!! I certainly wasn't expecting that sort of flip, but you can see why he'd say that. Your characterization was clear, although a little more background information on his life beforehand would have been nice. Your use of accent was interesting as well, and was used sparingly enough that we could still understand it.
An interesting idea, of someone on the run from the law because of his father's actions and not his own. It says a lot about the characters of the self-proclaimed king.
However, it was hard to read because you forgot grammer and missed some words. For example in 'We know your in there surrender now, the word 'your' should be 'you're'. And in Joe hid in dark corner of the concealed basement, you missed the word 'a' between 'in' and 'dark'. With the line Joe careful not to make a sound made a move, you forgot the commas after the word 'Joe' and the word 'sound'...It's little things like that which are probably just typos, but which distract from reading.
A rather sad idea of life in the future in the last verse, which is a sharp contrast to the rest of the poem which was a little happier and perkier. i liked the beginning with the autopilot running the ship rather than human pilots.
I saw no grammatical or spelling errors, and I don't really have any suggestions for improvement!
Wow! Incredibly controversial (I'm seeing a pattern here!), and well written. You've captured the emotions and thoughts of drug addicts very well, as well as their progression into dependance. Your imagery, especially in the second to last stanza, is very good too.
Lol, when I opened this I was expecting something a little religious...and then was surprised!! You've written this descriptively, and I like the topic that you've picked. Few people will write about something this controversial!
I would've liked it more if the speaker had acknowledged that he had some role/responsibility for it, but it's easy to understand how you can blame the other person for it all.
I also found the long stanzas a little odd, and difficult to deal with...but I imagine that's just me.
Very very true!! If only we could do that, even for just one day! it's a very serious topic, and then your final line made me laugh...im not sure if that was your intention, but you did!
I especially liked your first verse, it can apply to all ages...even the young!!
Wow, an incredibly accurate and poignant reflection of not only your experience as a writer, but most people's!! Writing seems to take over our lives at times, to the detriment of everything else we have to do!
I love that final line "My stepmother called me a hermit. And this is a bad thing?"!!
You nearly broke my heart with this one!! The emotions you created are very powerful, and the imagery itself is incredibly poignant as well! My favorite lines are the last ones "Tears, names, and words like sorrow or sin
Pour from your pen, you cry within."
Very nice poem. Your emotions are quite clear, which is always good in poetry, and your imagery is good as well. I can picture it in my head.
I've never been to New York, but based on your poem, it would be a wonderful place to visit! I have to wonder how much artistic license you took, but...
An interesting start to a story, and Scott's characterization is nice.
As always, if you don't agree with what I say, please discard it. This is your piece and up to you what you want to do with it.
However, there's no real hook. Nothing to capture our attention and want us to read on. The title captures out attention, but nothing else really. Maybe you could slip some hint as to what will happen next, something unexplained could happen that we want to know more about?
It's a little difficult to read a story in the present tense too, by the way. It's easier if it's in past tense.
Definitely a poem that means something to the world today...we're very focused on money because of all the luxuries we can get. I liked your imagery and your examples, they were powerful and carefully chosen. The onomatopoeia was cool too!!
I'm also very impressed that you've taken on such a structured poem...I'm afraid I've never been able to write anything more than free verse and Haikus...
My eyes are wet after reading that! it's a very beautiful poem about a very sad subject. My aunt's mother in law has Alzheimer's as well, so I can relate. It's very difficult to look after someone with that illness, and it hurts a lot to watch them forget everything.
Just one suggestion, you misspelt despair as 'dispair'...lol.
I wanted to give you a constructive criticism like you gave me, but you didn't exactly leave me much room to manouveur. You don't have grammer mistakes or spelling mistakes (besides that one), and it's beautifully written.
My favorite lines are "And though you will forget me,
I'll always remember you."!!
They are incredibly poignant and powerful!! again, they nearly broke my heart!
Very sweet with the emotions pouring forth. My favorite lines are the last one "you are a miracle to me" because it sums up everything about love.
The poem doesn't seem to flow (as you acknowledged in your summary'...I thought it could be your use of higher register words perhaps? Or perhaps the long lines...poetry generally flows better with shorter lines (not always, but generally)?
Very sweet. The repitition between the stanzas was good, with the same structure being followed. It created a sense of unity. I also liked how you highlighted her good points, and then responded to them with your (the speakers) thoughts.
It's a little bare though, of explanation. Is this your daughter? your lover? the word 'blessing' implies that it is a father/priest speaking, but the emotions flow like a lover's?
Simple but effective! Very sweet, and the imagery/analogy is very nice too.
My only suggestion is the word 'slick' in the fourth line...it makes me think of oil, so maybe you could change it to something else... even something as simple as 'wet'?
You have my deepest sympathies for your loss. I know nothing I can say will help, but I'm glad that you've found a way to move on and recover, while keeping him in your heart and in your life.
Your imagery is amazing, and I especially love that you've used so much nature imagery. It's very beautiful and very heart breaking.
Wow! The feelings are certainly flowing through your words here! I loved the line "They better appreciate it. But they don't even know"!!
My only criticism is that it's a little too vague, we're not absolutely certain what you are exactly referring to...whether you're implying that you would kill yourself if it didn't disrupt others, or not?
Nice piece of writing, I enjoyed reading it. I liked the way you showed the original actions that led up to the present-day situation. It helped to facilitate the understanding of the work. The way that Tom no longer really cared about the prison was also a nice touch, making us roll our eyes at him and sigh.
Constructive criticism time! Now please, this is just my opinion and if you don’t agree with something, please discard it!!
Sometimes your language didn’t quite seem to fit with the flow of the story. While I’ve not doubt that describing her as an ‘evil shrew’ is accurate, it makes a reader stop and think twice, which isn’t what you want in a story. In many places, I think it’s because you’re using words of too high a register.
With the phrase “cackled this rather than said it, once again causing emotional shivers to ripple through the young men’s bodies”, I think that maybe it would be more effective if you took out the “this rather than said it, once again”, to eliminate wordiness. We get the message anyway, and it’s tighter.
Your analogies detract from your story a little I think, such as your allusions to the Red Sox and kindergarteners. People who don’t know the Red Sox aren’t going to appreciate the first one, and naming kindergarteners, doesn’t quite work for me.
” It appeared that his brother’s innocence had impaired what would be solid judgment.”…the use of the word ‘appeared’ makes this statement less powerful, weakening it slightly.
Sometimes your use of adjectives is a little too much as well, generally prose is stronger without the adjectives which don’t really add much meaning, like the word “vile”.
There were certain parts of this that I could certainly associate with, although your taste and mine in music is clearly very different! My favorite stanza was the first one actually...
"Stage lights shine so bright
falling down so hot,
making the singer's skin sweat-soaked,
glistening so beautifully,"
It was very generic and could be assigned to any singer, but the imagery was incredibly powerful!
Your brief stanza "Burn up!
Burn out!"
was very sharp and powerful as well, i thought.
With the lines moving, dancing, running around the stage expertly;
singing to the rhythm, so skillfully,
I wasn't so sure about. The words 'expertly' and 'skillfully' didn't quite seem to apply to such a raw and intense experience that you're describing here...
Nice poem, Mentor...I don't know if you recognise me yet, but I'm your little Shadow and I thought I'd drop by your port.
i liked the repetition of the 'I am a patron saint' and the way you linked it to various different images rather than just one!! I think my favorite line was "I'm left to burning another bridge again"...the imagery was wonderful there, both literal and figurative!
Was this meant to be a song though? Because I'm not sure about some of the lines, they didn't seem to quite fit...like in the first stanza, with the line "yeah and am I the patron saint", I wasn't sure about the 'yeah'...it sounds a little informal and too much like a song for poetry? At least to me, but if you don't agree don't worry about it.
And was there a meaning to the double spacing between some stanzas or was that just an error?
This is certainly a very sweet poem, and very very accurate! I've never been in that situation myself (being too young for it), but I imagine that this is how you feel when you are head over heels in love with someone.
Very good job at creating the emotions in your words and drawing them out of your audience!
Nicolina
A very cute poem about this site! I've only been on here for just over a week but I can already see that what you have written here is very true!! I certainly hope that you stay here to write and review!! i liked the way you said that you 'live' on the site!!!
Your poem itself...
"Amateur poets write with deep feelings from their hearts.
Senior members critique their work to help with any part."
I wasn't quite sure about "with any part", it didn't quite seem to fit. I understood what you were talking about of course, but it didn't quite feel right to me...but then, it's up to you whether you want to have another look or if you think it's fine.
Keep on writing,
Nicolina
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