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1
1
Review of the model  
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: E | (3.0)
kraus this is a very cute story! The humorous situtation had me giggling after a hard days work, and it usually takes a lot to make me giggle on days like today.

I actually think you could probably make it even funnier if you played up the slapstick humor even more before the ending with the toothpicks. Even the names of your characters creates humor if you choose to use it. You have done this some with the wolf image that Bambi conjures in Frank's mind. I think you could work this and really make this story a side splitter.

Here are my suggestions, choose to use or toss them as you see fit.

*Star*  It is always a good idea in a short story to throw your reader right in on the action, and you have done this with the dialogue, but I think you meay want at least a little narration there. Even if you do decide to start with the dialogue, you may want to consdier using some action with it. The way it is, we, the readers, are sort of dropped in on two talking heads. We don't know who they are, what gender they are, where they are, or what they are doing while they are talking. I understand that you want some abiguity, but you can add things like 'He poked at the body with his foot.' and it doesn't really give any more away, but lets your reader see something other than dialogue. As it is, with no introduction, I can't imagene, or see anything while reading this.

*Star*  Not to mention her eye teeth came to these jagged points that made Frank tended to call her wolf instead of Bambi.  Firstly, I would change "tended" to "tend". Then you may want to consider saying "think of her as" instead of "call her". I think that would fit better with the next line where he actually tries to explain it to her. I think that after the reaction he got the one time you mentioned, he would NEVER call her that again.

*Star*  What was he going to do; “The Big Wigs” were going to be here in less than fifteen minutes and he had to figure something out. Though a semicolon works well to combine two statements, I don't think it can be used in this capacity when you are combining a question with a statement.

*Star*  The part that contains the tabloid description is great. That is the kind of humor I think you should try to include in the whole story!

*Star*  The dentures, he though… could it work? I think you mean "thought.

*Star*  The part with Bambi helping him remove the dentures is great. It's just the type of thing that is needed. Try some more with that section. Maybe the teeth coming loose causes her to fall, she is standing on one leg already. Maybe she falls on the body, making it do something funny. Or maybe Frank goes flying across the room knocking over the contents of the red-suitcase. These are your characters, you will be able to see it better than I can, but I really think there is some great humor lying dormant in this section.

I think you have gotten off on a great start with this story. If you pump up the dialogue with a little action and play on the humor some more, I really think this could be a hilarious story. Let me know if you would like me to take a look at this agian!

Keep it up!
BlueGrass Girlie
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Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: E | (3.0)
RarGoesMeh you have created a wonderful character with this! I love Carl, and you've even managed to give Ortfreed his own defining personality that helps move the story forward.

My favorite line:
*Heart*  To most this would seem like nothing, but to him, it was almost more than enough.  *Heart*

This says so very much about your character with so few words. Good job!

Here are my suggestions:

*Star*  I really felt this was a beginning and not a story by itself. You laid a beautiful scene and introduced intelligent characters and the string of events flows clearly with good pace. However, at the end, it really felt like it shouldn't be over. If this is in fact just a beginning then great. However, if you want this to be a story in it's entirety, I feel you may want a bit more. There is an entire school of minimalists that paint scenes as you have done here, but unless that is what you are striving for, you may want some more action. Maybe instead of looking and finding and going away, they can look and look and look, and find him and go away. Maybe Carl can hear them trolling the river, or be aggravated that some stupid has gotten lost because the helicopters are scaring off the small game. I'm not sure what you want or don't want to include, but I just felt that I was left dangling a bit.

*Star*  Carl loved the outdoors and often went there to get away.  The use of the word "there" in this sentence makes me feel like "the outdoors" is one place. Is there another word that would work better?

*Star*  Most of your story is written in past tense. However, when you introduce Ortfreed in paragraph three you say he "can only be described...". You may want to stick with the past tense so as not to confuse your reader.

*Star*  He had been trained to attack [first] and ask questions later. This reads a little more clearly to me.

*Star*  Is this the first time Carl has ever been to this particular river? It didn't seem that way to me at first, but then when he finds the island it comes across as if he had never seen it before. I just got the impression that he did this type of thing all the time and was surprised when he found the island and hadn't already known it was there. If this is Carl's first time in this area, you may want to make that a bit more obvious.

*Star*  The next morning, Carl set to work to try and gather some fire wood so he could have a steady supply of it. You have several sentences throughout the piece like this one where you overuse prepositions. The sentence reads more clearly, in my opinion at least, without them. Maybe play around with something like this...
The next morning, Carl went about gathering firewood so he would have a steady supply. Here are a few other sentences like this one, I think you could make more clear:
He took out his razor-sharp ax and began cutting away at the dead threes that were laying about the island.

Around midday, he would begin to search the island to see if any varmints had stumbled into any of his traps.

*Star*  They were almost an entirely different fruit form the ones... I think you mean "from".

*Star*  Your tenth paragraph reads like a grocery list of actions. He would....then he would....next he would...Around midday, he would.... Do you see what I mean? The description in this part is SUPURB! This is the section that really shows us what type of man Carl is. This is the section that really made me like him, when before I thought he was a grumpy curmudgeon. However, I think you can probably write this without all the time qualifiers. Does it really matter what order that he did all these things?

*Star*  After a month had past,... I think you mean "passed" here.

I really think this has wonderful potential to tell an amazing story! Carl and Ortfreed are carefully created so that the description of them moves the story along. The story hinges on their personalities. I feel that takes great talent to do that. Use or toss my suggestions as you see fit!

Keep it up!
Kaya
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Review of For the Future  
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Elerad this really is quite an intriguing story. Sci-fi is not usually my favorite genre to read, but you've lured me in quite well. I'm definitely interested in reading more; please let me know when you post more to this story.

I think the best part of this story is that you jump right in on the action. The first person narrator is describing the action as it happens, and it works. It has the ring of one of the old black and white detective movies from a while back.

The biggest thing for me that didn't work was that you completely lost me two paragraphs from the end when you changed narrators with no warning. I had to re-read that section several times and then go back and check the other time references within the story to figure out what had happened. I'm not exactly sure the best way to fix this. You can take the easy route and throw in a few stars centered between the paragraphs, but I think you would lose the intese flow you have created if you did that. You could show the first narrator seeing the second and make the conversion that way, but it would be difficult. I'm sorry I don't have a better idea for a solution for you. However, as it stands, it is very jarring and took some time to figure out what was happening.

One less nagging issue I had with the story, is that it is getting very close to the base plot of the movie Minority Report. You have already established with the last two paragraphs that your story really is going to go in a different direction, but I just wanted to let you know that the similarity was there for me. As soon as you threw in the background info, rather seamlessly in fact, I started to think of that movie. Just thought you might want to know.

Here are my suggestions:

*Star*  The large, dark, somewhat foreboding structure...  A long string of adjectives like this right in the beginning in your second sentence is a bit discouraging to me as a reader. Large, and dark are very common words. Also, what is large to me, may be small to you...the words don't really give me a better picture. Forboding is better, but when you use somewhat in front of it, it is basically dicounted. If we have different versions of large, that might effect my understanding of the book. You may have someone jump off the roof and die. Where I'm from a large building is about 5 or 7 stories, but you may mean the building is 25, 50 or even 100 stories. While one is likely to get hurt jumping from one, they are bound to die jumping from the other. Forboding is much better, because it doesn't have to be specific. Forboding might mean to you that it is run down and houses shady people, while to someone else, it might mean something else; either way, the same FEELING, the feeling of foreboding, comes across. Just a thought.

*Star*  It looked almost exactly the same...  This is just a pet peeve of mine, but "almost exactly" is an oxymoron. Almost means nearly, close to, and basically the opposite of exact. While exactly means right on, or the same. When you put the two together, I know what you mean, but the oxymoron just jumps right out at me. You can probably find a more direct way of saying the same thing without using it.

*Star*  The last sentence of the first paragraph is WONDERFUL...it leaves the reader with a big questions of HOW? until it is explained just a little bit later why. Don't ever change this line! *Bigsmile*

*Star*  I walked up to the front door and pulled it open with the grating squeak of gears that have never tasted the sweet nectar of oil.  Another little quirk of mine: the dangling modifier. The way your sentence is worded, it sounds like the narrator squeaked when he opened the door, not that the door squeaked when he opened it. Easy to fix, make it two sentences: I walked up and opened the front door. It gave way with a grating squeak of gears...

*Star*  I could barely see anything. I would suggest either saying EITHER I could barely see OR I coudln't see anything. As it stands, you are being a bit redundant.

*Star*  ...Greman artist named...  This section gives vital information to the story. This is the paragraph I mentioned before that made me think of the movie. The phrase above also made me go "Well, did you?" I really wanted to know if the narrator or someone else had taken care of that particular man, and if so, what were the changes in the history of man because of it? Maybe you plan on introducing this idea later. Maybe that is what the new narrator is for at the end. Just wondering.

*Star*  The paragraph that starts with People often asked... is full of verb tense contradictions. The tense in this story is going to be hard to maintain as it is. The action that is taking place is in the past, not only for your reader, but for your character; however, since he has time traveled it is the current time for him, and still the past as well. Up to this paragraph you have done a good job of keeping your verb tenses straight. Here I think you should continue to use present tense, though what he is talking about is happening in the future, because in actuality it is happening in his present, though that shifts. Does that makes sense? Let me give you a short example and you can email me if you want clarification.

People often asked me if it ever bothered me: if putting a bullet in a person's head when he or she hasn't yet committed....

People often ask me if it ever bothers me: if putting a bullet in a peron's head when he or she hasn't yet committed...

This reads a little more clearly to me. Do with it as you see fit. *Smile*

*Star*  ...and she got into college quite easily. Again, a verb tense issue here. Though her going to college is an event in the past to your narrator, it will be happening in the future to your reader, especially since we only know Rebecca as a child. I would say she would get into just to be more clear.

*Star*  My gun popped in that intriguing way... I'm not sure that intriguing is the word that you mean to use. The description at the end of the sentence doesn't make me think that the narrator sat back and thought, "Wow what an interesting and questionable way for a gun to "pop" ". I think interesting, plesant, or a number of other words, would do better here.

I am very interested in your story. I would like to see what happens. The new narrator at the end adds an interesting twist to the scene. I think that if you clear up the second narrator's entrace and work on smoe of those tricky time shifts, you could have a great story here. Please let me know when you have posted more, or if you have any questions.

KEEP IT UP!
BlueGrass Girlie
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Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Jordan Messinger what an intense story! From the fifth paragraph until the end you had me sitting on the edge of my seat wondering, worrying, hoping I was reading it wrong. With so little information and introduction you made me care about your character. Good job!

I really love this line:
I heard the tears starting to slowly drip down her cheek.

You really manage to get his situation across by showing not telling with this line.

I have a few suggestions, and will try not to give to much of the story away in the process.

*Star*  You may want to take a look at your use of prepositions and prepositional phrases. Here are few examples of what I would do.

*Bullet*  I had no way of anticipating the horror that was waiting for me when I woke.  I had no way of anticipating the horror that would be waiting when I woke.
*Bullet*  ...kicking back to escape the tedious routine that finals had forced on us to endure.
*Bullet*  ...placed them onto the bookshelf where they could remain untouched for years to come.
*Bullet*  ...as the water beat down on my body.
*Bullet*  I again lay down on my bed...
*Bullet*  So many places that I’ve been meaning to travel to visit. So many people that I have yet to lay eyes on seeOR meet.
These are just my suggestions.

*Star*  I wasn't 100% sure what was happening when Tyler first woke. I had to read the fifth and sixth paragraph a couple of times to be sure. I completely understand why you don't want to come right out and say it, but are there any other details you could put in to make it a bit more obvious to the reader?

*Star*  In my experience, whenever I have the operator help me find a number he/she/it offers to dial the number for me. I think this would be a welcome relief to Tyler.

*Star*  After the fifth ring, she answered the phone and spoke as if she had been awakened from a deep sleep. Her voice was scratchy and her tone was anything but pleasant. I would end the first sentence with the word answered. Your second sentence shows that she was asleep better than you could ever tell it.

*Star*  Eventually, after I had cried myself to sleep, she laid my head on my pillow and left the room. A few minutes later... The timing in this section was a bit weird for me. If he was asleep how would he know that she laid his head on the pillow and left the room. And if he was asleep how would he know it was just a few minutes later that anything happened? Just a thought.

*Star*  In the middle section, after the friend comes over, before Tyler confronted what was really happening, there is a lot of speculation going on. Tyler "seems to know" her expressions and motions etc. He also seems to know that she "seems to know" things that he is not saying. Considering the situation I'm not sure either of them would know much of anything. It may just be the word "seems" that is bothering me, and it is more MY word than yours. I guess what I am saying is perhaps there could be some more direct description of how they discover these things. I sort of felt like there was some jedi sense going on here. (Sorry, got Sith on the brain).

I think this is a great story. I like the way you jump right in on the action without much exposition. The story is firm and your characters are strong. With just a little sentence reconstruction, I think this story could easily be a five.

KEEP IT UP!!!
BlueGrassGirl
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5
5
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
GreySquirrel, I'm reviewing this folder only having read the first three stories; however, I seriuosly doubt that reading the others would change my mind.

When you become a very rich and wonderfully famous writer, and we're all sitting around chatting about how we know you, I think you should use these items in the book you write about the craft of writing. All good authors write one, and as long as there are wanna-be's like me out there to buy them, I hope they always will.

You have a tremendous voice and style. These stories reveal the frustrations of being a writer and poke a little fun in the process.

So get going. Be famous, I want to read your book on craft! *Bigsmile*

KEEP IT UP!
Kaya
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Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
GreySquirrel, I'm reviewing your folder only having read the first 5 stories, so please keep that in mind when reading this. I plan on reading the others, but wanted to get my thoughts out to you while they were fresh in my head.

1.  KEEP WRITING THEM! This really is a wonderful idea that you have, and in the stories that I have read, you have a very established voice!

2.  You may want to consider building some solid characterization of the old man in the hut. He is a very undefinable character, in my view, the way that you have him. In a way, I enjoy not knowing too much about him, as it leaves it open until I meet him myself. However, I feel you could give a bit more. Maybe some quirks, like particular gestures, or phrases he uses. Or perhaps his clothing choices. Is there anything that would stand out about them? Or are they so nondescript that I would never notice? I don't feel you need a long descriptive paragraph, but maybe a detail or two dropped here and there.

3.  As it stands, each character is one chapter, except where noted in previous reviews. Have you thought about having more than one character at the hut at a time? How would they interact? I like the idea of the stories usually being how they came to the hut, but I sit and wonder what they would be like together. You know, Tea Party at the Edge of the World?

On the whole, I love the stories. I think you have created a thread that is easy to follow and interesting to read. I wish you luck with the rest of them!

Nikaya
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7
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Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
FANTABULOUS! I can only hope that my dry spells, and writer's block, and other excuses someday become a lamp post, or some other lovely inanimate object like Lammy. The narrator's voice in this is stunning. I can hear him/her in my head. It is a true feeling that are shown in these words. Sam is perfectly constructed and Lammy is a hint of a character without ever being there. Sheer genius in my book! My only suggestion would be that you may want to put the discussion between the narrator and Samantha in italics. Quotes obviously won't do, and I'm not sure how you would go about distinguishing between inner thoughts and inner dialogue, but I think it might help the flow. It reads perfectly fine without it, so feel free take take that little comment and feed it to Lammy!

KEEP IT UP!!!
Nikaya
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Review of The Blind  
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Gelo, you have an unusually compelling story here. I don't read much sci-fi, so please keep that in mind while reading my review. These are just my opinions.

You have a very "telling" way of getting your story across. And it actually worked for me most of the time. I'm not really sure how you managed to get away with it, but you were telling me most of what was going on, and I didn't feel led. There were a few places I felt you could show more (I will mention them in a bit), but on the whole, this narration style really works for you.

One of the reasons I don't particularly prefer sci-fi is because there are all the new fangled science things that are integral to the story that I don't know what they are. By the time they get around to getting explained, the story has lost my attention. There is a bit of this in your story. Now, like I said, in my meager experience this is pretty common for sci-fi, so you are going to fit into the genre well; however, I will tell you the places where I wanted more explanation and you can decide what you want to do with it.

*Bullet*  Fixer - though this idea is one that is most clearly defined in your story, I'm still not 100% sure what exactly a Fixer is. Now that may be what you wanted, but I just thought you may want to know, that this reader wasn't very sure exactly what a fixer was.

*Bullet*  Manifestation Port 3314 (em-Port) From this point, all the way down to the three stars, I wasn't really sure what was going on. I get the impression it is similar to the thing in their heads in The Matrix (my father insisted I watch it), but I'm not sure. Something tells me you wouldn't take a route like that so easily. I think you mean more, and I wanted to know exactly what that was. Now the paragraph in italics directly before the stars gives some explanation as to what happened right before, and that was good, but it still left too much to my own imagination for me to know exactly what an em-Port was. I realize that this may be some great lack of knowledge on my part, and I hope you do too.

*Bullet*  The train ride at the end seemed a bit old fashioned to me, instead of sci-fi. I can see how this would play nicely into a good sci-fi story, but where it is, it was sort of jarring. You mention the story is not finished, so perhaps you plan to add more here, or make it fit the scenery of the rest of your story more.

The grafitti on the back of the chair is MARVELOUS! I truly believe the world of email and raspberry's is killing our youth's ability to communicate. Now this is just something I think, but maybe you could incorporate this into your story more somehow. Have the license plate English of this world (UR2CUL) be more than just one instance of graffiti on the back of a train seat. That is how I see the future unraveling in my worst nightmares.

You may want to find someone, someone you trust and who knows you are a writer and not a crazy person, and read your dialogue out loud as if it were a script. See if you can change the words that are said, so that fewer speech tags are needed. Here are a few you may want to look at. This is a place I meant when I thought you could show more, and tell less.

"Security, my man,"responded Francis.
"I thought you were one of them?" uttered Francis, surprised.
"I was. But I (!%#@$&) up,"Angelo rationalized.

Personally, I think you can do away with responded completely. As for uttering surprise, let his words show that, don't tell me. And if someone is rationalizing it is usually only obvious through their words not their actions, and I think you can make it so in your dialogue.

On the whole, I'm intrigued. I would keep reading a while longer to see if the action of the story continued to carry my interest. That is more than I can say for most sci-fi novels. You gotten off to a great start, and I hope I have been helpful.

Keep it up!
Nikaya
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9
9
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: E | (4.5)
revdbob,let me begin by saying that out of a matter of principle, and due to my personal belief system, I keep my finger out of Ethics, Religion, and Politics. With that said, let me jump right into your folder "Invalid Item"   *Bigsmile*. I do appreciate you leaving this in my forum as I always have to force myself to move beyond my own comfort levels to do better in my own right, and you have given me an opportunity to do that.

You present a very sound argument. You not only soundly state your point, you also present opposing views and correlate their existence with your point in your column. Good job.

Now for my suggestions:

*Star*  That is one reason why unbelievers can read it and get nothing but a few moral points out of it, and ask questions about science and geography, which the Bible is really not interested in at all. I, personally, would begin a new sentence after your first comma. This is a new idea, and presented in the same sentence with the first one, seems to push too many ideas at once. I would also consider changing interested to concerned.

*Star*  ...that it explains science and history and all kinds of other stuff for which the biblical writers had no concern at all. I have to believe there is another word besides stuff that would work here. Maybe "matters"? I would consider changing concern here to another word. I, personally, believe they probably were concerned with those things. Not in their writings perhaps, but at least in daily life. I believe you mean to say something more along the lines of things they had no intention of portraying. Just a thought.

*Star*  They thought in concrete ways, in pictures rather than in abstract philosophical ways such as one learns in college. Now, I am by no means a biblical scholar, but from my readings and upbringing, my grandfather is a minister, I have to disagree. Now I'm not saying this because I want you to change it, I'm saying this because I'm not sure you are making the point that you mean to make. If I am wrong, then completely ignore this whole section *Smile*. I believe those people thought very philosophically. I believe they had many of the same questions about faith and philosophy that people struggle with today. Take Nicodemus's questions to Jesus as presented in the Gospel according to John {I THINK that is where it is, again NOT a scholar) Also, doesn't Peter question Jesus about forgiveness? These seem to be very deep thoughts to me. You sentence reads, to me at least, that you thought those people as too ignorant to understand high concepts of thought, and I just don't think that is what you mean. Later in the paragraph you mention quantum physics and engineering. These, I agree are beyond the scope of what they could have understood, and I also believe this is the heart of your argument, and if it is, you may want to reconsider the sentence. If I have completely misunderstood, please take the aforementioned suggestion and completely ignore me.

...the baby of God's message is hidden by the bathwater of human insistence... This is an absolutely beautiful analogy! You put your idea in a metaphor that is easy to understand! GREAT JOB! My only suggestion would be to change "hidden" to "thrown out with" because that is more along the lines with the familiar line, and still works with your metaphor.

All in all, I think you have done an excellent job with this one. Let me take a little mental breather and read some fluff to ease my brain, and I'll take a look at some of the others in the folder. I hope I have been helpful, and if not, I hope I've at least provided some entertainment. *Reading*

Keep it up!
Nikaya
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10
10
Review of Amran Chapter 1  
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ayren, what an interesting idea you have started to develop with this story. I like the idea of the "special ability" you have given Amran. It initially appears to be less, or weaker, than some special ability often given to characters in stories of this type; however, you lay the ground work to show that it could be more perilous to him and those around him. I'm intrigued.

You have some really great lines of description. Here a two of my favorites:

*Heart*  He peered into the darkness that was the guard’s intentions and... This line excellently describes how his "ability" works with no extraneous explanation.

*Heart*  Layne suddenly heard a deep growling sound and nearly jumped off the bed... This line shows her state of mind and mental condition without you the author telling.

A few suggestions:

*Star*  In the second sentence you end with a preposition. The sentence might be stronger with a different ending.

*Star*  The corners of the cell were plugged up by webs... Maybe try "plugged with webs".

*Star*  when they did come they were scarcely more...

*Star*  In the frist paragraph here should be hear and threw should be through.

*Star*  Amran lay down on the moist floor of the cell eyes half closed. This isn't an official dangling modifier, but is so close you may want to revise by taking "eyes half closed" and moving it next to Amran.

*Star*  This light feeling on his mind had proved to be a warning to him that someone was close enough to him to have their mind seen into by Amran.  Maybe replace the underline part with something like "for Amran to see into their mind."

*Star*  Layne...set the binoculars that she had held up to her eyes for nearly the entire night down on the nearby dresser.  Since I doubt she would hold the binoculars up to her ears you don't need that she held them to her eyes. *Smile* Maybe try adding a new sentence. "Layne...set the binoculars down on the nearby dresser. They had gotten heavier over the last 10 hours" Or something like that.

*Star*  The paragraph that begins with "One hundred years ago" is simply background info, and though it is necessary, at this point it does not push the story along except to fill the space between her leaving and her arriving at the shop. Maybe try interspersing it with her thoughts, "Layne looked around and thought..." I am TERRIBLE about just handing out background info, so you may want to consult someone else on the matter. Plus, I'm not sure if you've thought of this, one hundred years ago, in the context of your story, is actually next year for your reader. Something to consider.

I love the fact that though your story is set in the future, it still feels very real to me. Your agent uses binoculars and goes for doughnuts. I think there is a great deal of potential in what you have here. I wish you luck in completing the novel.

Keep it up!
Nikaya
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11
11
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
GreySquirrel, this is only the second item in this folder that I have read and I can already tell I'm going to love them all. The old man is such a great character and in "2. Another sip of tea"  you have him meet another great charcter. You really have a way with character development that actually tells the story with the background information. I find this to be truly amazing. I don't realize until it's over that you have just given me almost 7 paragraphs of background info. It was beautiful. My only suggestions are with word choice and a couple grammar things.

*Star*   "A lot" is a pet peeve of mine. In all actuality it means a plot of land, but has been taken by modern language to mean a large amount. You may want to pick a word that actually means an amount. Again, this is just one of my little pickies.

*Star*  You say the man was from "Dublin in Ireland". I think you could replace the in with a comma and it works just as well

*Star*  You use the word "bit" three times between the second and third paragraphs. Is there another word that would work? Just something to take a look at.

*Star*  You say the man was very, very shrewd. Is there one word that could take the place of the two very's and maybe say more?

*Star*Here's another one of those picky little grammar things you may want to ignore. You say:

Briefly admired Mussolini, who many people thought was onto a good thing at the time,

After Mussolini, it should actually read "a person whom many people thought..." Either way, it still sounds awkward, so you you may want to use the "a person" part and take out the who or whom altogether to read "A person many people thought..." Just an idea.

*Star*  He became jealous, secretly. Would this work better with the secretly moved? I think it would work either before or after the became.

I had to read this story several times before I came up with the suggestions I put above. So obviously, the story reads very well on it's own. My suggestions are just that because I want to try to be helpful, but you have written something that is truly elegant! I can't wait to read the rest of these stories!

KEEP IT UP!
Nikaya

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12
12
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow, what a great little piece. You have employed an incredible narrator's voice in this story. I really like it, and I really like the old man. He is a super character.

My only suggestions are:

*Bullet*   Instead of "Nobody" and "Everybody" I would use No one and Everyone. This is just my personal preference, but I thought it might be something you might like to think about.

*Bullet*  It’s a small hut, but it’s homely. I think you mean homey instead of homely.

I love this and can't wait to read more in your port.

Keep it up!
Nikaya

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13
13
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is really nice. I do hope you had planned more. Not because I feel that it is lacking, but because I really want more. I've had dreams I thought were real and they took me weeks to shake. You made this one so real for me, that I think it would take her a long time to shake it. If you do write more, please please let me know.

I have a few suggestions.

*Star*Firstly, I think you have worked on the second half of this more than you did the first half. The ending reads much better than the beginning where you struggle with your adjectives. Here are some examples:
*Bullet*big yellow shirt
*Bullet*heavy Florida air
*Bullet*old blue bike
*Bullet*lone white heron
*Bullet*dark green hammocks
*Bullet*blue washed sky
Any of these are fine on their own, but having them all in the same paragraph sort of got distracting. You didn't use your adjectives in this way later in the story.

*Star*I'm not sure that I know what R.A. means here. My only familiarity with these initials is from college: Resident Advisor. I'm feel farily certain that is not what it means here. But this may just be my issue and everyone else may totally get it.

*Star*In the paragraph directly following the conversation at the maintenance yard there are some verb tense issues. You had been using past tense regularly then switched to past perfect for one sentence. The weird thing is that it almost works. However, it did catch me, so I guess it didn't, at least for me.

Your story totally captured me. I was in it, and completely got up to check on my husband directly after reading and before writing this review. You've done a good job.

Keep it up!
Nikaya
14
14
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very moving piece. You've painted your characters well, and I love the ambiguity. You've left enough holes that I can picture someone I know, changed just enough to allow your details. I like this.

I think you do a better job with Jane than you do Audrey, but maybe that's part of what is coming. Or maybe you want Audrey to remain more of a mystery. It works, but not if you want her to stand out more than Jane.

The paragraph that begins "Upon further contemplation..." might be a bit long. The details are great, I just got the feeling that I was being led. I too have personally sat and pondered those questions, so that part is good, but it just got wordy. That part seemed very stream of consciousness, but the other parts didn't.

Near the end, I felt I was waiting for something more to happen. The action slowed a little bit once he gave the baggie to Audrey. This isn't a problem if something is about to happen, but something, not much, but something needs to happen in the part that follows this.

I really like these people. I feel like I know them. Keep it up and let me know when you write more.
15
15
Review of Rating Inflation!  
Review by BlueGrass Girlie
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I've never felt so ashamed of giving 4.5 stars!!! *Laugh* Being a newbie, I read this for some insight, and not only did I get some, I feel an "AMEN" rising up in my chest.

I review because I love to read, and because I want the type of reviews that I'm giving. Or thought I was giving. I thought I was being all helpful and stuff. You made me see that maybe my words are helpful but my stars aren't. Either way...great piece and I love your voice.

As for the reason I gave you a 4.5 and not a 5? I would like to see some examples. Write out a few short, fake reviews to go with your breakdown of the number system. Just an idea.

Thanks! Keep it up!
Nikaya
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