Very intriging and frightning story. The words you used seem to bring a vivid image of the chaos and destruction surrounding the boy. I think you did a very good job at telling the story in this short story, letting us see the plot and the setting, and also giving me a good sense at the personalities of the characters. Good job on the first paragraph. It did an excellent job at setting the tone for the rest of the story.
Here are a few suggestions that I have: stomache- I don't think that the 'e' should be at the end of stomach. I wasn't sure if this was just an alternative spelling of the word so I decided to point it out.
slinters- Did you mean splinters?
Even still- I don't think that you need the even at the beginning of this sentence.
My stained white nightgown- Maybe add blood-stained to this part.
bicept- You don't need the 't' at the end of bicep.
place- Should probaly be placed to continue the use of the past tense in this story.
Also I noticed that you don't have him screaming a lot even in parts where you would think he would (when his bicep got broken for example). The only spot I noticed a scream in this whole thing was at the end and how you described it almost made it feel as if there should have been more.
After reading this, I think I will have to read more of what you have written. Excellent job.
This article expresses what changes people need to make in the world today to actually live in peace. I think the views expressed in this article would have a significant affect in the world if more people would agree with them. Excellent job.
I think this story is off to a good start, but will be better after you revise it. I think the plot is really good and you also did a good job at starting it off. The tone you use is also very good. I think that you might want to give more descriptions of the setting in this first chapter to give the reader more of a feel of where the story is taking place.
Here are a few suggestions/comments I have: Those times however are over, at least for people will families who consider themselves "pure".- This sentence comes across kind of unclear. Maybe change will to whose or something along those lines.
other's- You don't need the apostrophe.
families- These should be family's(if singular) or families'(if plural)
you are- The you should be capatalized since it is at the beginning of the sentence.
Our family has been always know to give unreasonably long names,- You should change know to known.
I have committed murder- This sentence seems to give a sense of foreshadowing to what will take place and of what the dark side of the story might be like. Nothing wrong with it, but I like how it sounds in the group of sentences it is in.
become what I have became.- Became should be become.
When I was born it wasn't happiness they celebrated it was relief.- This sentence could use a comma before 'it was a relief.'
The house was a three story mansion. With fifteen bedrooms and seven bathrooms.- You could probaly combine these two sentences since they corrolate so closely.
My mother who was taller than most women also had long blonde hair down to her waist,- Possibly add commas before and after 'who was taller'.
green,and- Juxt missing a space inbetween the comma and and.
Today he was wearing his really good set of clothes. His navy velvet shirt and his black velvet pants.- These two sentences should be combined since the second is just a fragment and fits in so much wiht the first.
He put up a screen between himself and my mother and put another one in front of him so no one could see him anymore. Unless he rolled down the window.- These two sentences could also be combines.
fathers- Fathers should be father's.
it just made them more stupider sounding- You should probaly change the more stupider part to just more stupid.
when I saw they didn't I rolled- There should be a comma after didn't.
almost to old- To shouold be too.
Their faces still quite bewildered, as I rolled up the window.- Whose faces are you talking about here, the homeless people or her parents.
When you revise this chapter, you might want to check your comma placement to see if any are unneeded or some are missing that should be there.
I think this story is off to a good start. Feel free to post the next chapter in my forum or let me know when you have revised this and I can go over it again for you. I hope you keep on working on this story in the future without giving up. Good luck.
Good job on this poem. The imagery you use in this poem, as morbid as it may be, brings off the somber tone you use in the poem perfectly along with giving the poem true meaning. The message of this poem in also very meaningful. People tend to forget about the innocent bystanders killed during war and terrorism. All they seem to worry about is who did this and who did that, but don't do nothing to stop it or to help the people truly affected. Good job at making me think about those forgotting casualties in not only Isreal, but Lebonon as well. Lebonon's civilians are dying at even an higher rate, most of which have nothing to do with what is going on.
Great first chapter to Charcoal Streets. It was filled with descriptions allowing me to picture the City of Ash and imagine what life would be like there. I really liked how you blended the introduction of the first few characters and the beginning of the plot in with the background information you gave during the first half of the chapter. I think the setting you used for this story is excellent when you look at the tone you use and how the plot seems to be progressing. These three elements were perfectly weaved together through out this chapter.
I didn't notice any major mistakes in this chapter, but here are a few suggestions that I have: The throat was the first stage. The second was a fever. The third a constant headache. The fourth, shivering. The fifth, weakness. And so on it went, one more symptom being added at each stage.- this part could use a little more descriptions. What happened with the throat? Was the fever a really high one, or was it pretty mild? How severe was the shivering, or could it better be described as a shakiness like that involved with parkinsons? Little things like that since part of the story seems to be revolving somewhat around the sickness. Also, did the people give the sickness a name like the Black Death?
it’s- Should be its.
The ringing of a great bell interrupted her thoughts. The town rising bell, time to go to work.possibly rephrase this sentence like The ringing of the town rising bell interrupted her; time for everyone to go to work.
Helplessly they ignored the bodies of the sick and dying on the roads, stepping over them carefully, avoiding the ones driven insane by their constant suffering.- Nothing wrong here, I just though this sentence was really good in describing the despair the people of the town were living in.
now, they- Possibly replace the comma with a semi-colon here.
I think you have a great story started here. I encourage you to put as much work in on the future chapters as you did in this one. Keep up the good work with the attention to detail shown in this chapter also. I have to check out the next chapter of this story very soon.
Excellent poem. It's an inspiring message of hope in a time of pain and suffering. I expecially like how you repeated 'pain, pain' at the beginning of each stanza. It gave the poem the extra thing needed to be as good as it is. Another excellent poem from an excellent author. I look foward to reading more of your poetry in the future.
Good side story to Different and Cool. I like how you did this follow up to you previous story. This seemed to have the same style as the other story, but with a little more action. I did think it was missing the descriptions that made the other story better. I think you might be able to add those in to make this better. Otherwise it was a good story.
Here are some suggestions/comments I have:
'Tarah nodded quickly, then quickly dug in her clothes.'- Possibly remove one of the 'quickly's in this sentence to avoid sounding repetitive.
'comraderie'- Misspelled. Should be comaraderie.
'A wistful smile forming on her lips'- In this sentence, I would change forming to formed to keep the past tense format.
'She wonder if'- Try changing wonder to wondered to keep the past tense format going.
'He only there'- Maybe change this to 'He's only there'
'Catterpillers'- Misspelled. Should be caterpillers.
'What it was actually was a crown'- You could probaly rephrase this as 'It was actually a crown' to make it sound better.
'Because there was always the matter of Andy and Mari hanging over her head.'- You probaly don't need the 'because' at the beginning of this sentence.
'but Idon't mind'- Missed a space after I.
I hope to see more of your work in the future, this being the last in your port besides images for these stories. I also hope that you try to branch out into other genres/styles of writing besides the ones from Different and Cool. I think if you did that then came back and looked over these stories again, you would be able to make them even better. Keep on writing.
Excellent conclusion to your story. It was short an sweet, meaning it didn't drag on like some conclusions do. Everything in this chapter finished off your story just right. I didn't see anything major wrong with it.
Here is one thing I did notice, no matter how small it may be:
'chatterings'- You probaly don't need the s at the end of this word.
I hope to read more from you in the future. Anything else you would like for me to review, just ask and I will do so. Keep on writing.
Very good start to your story. It starts off quite interesting, but doesn't give away too much of what is to come. I like the level of mystery you give this chapter with Kilbourne meeting them at the hotel. The ending left me wondering what will happen next and if that is all that happened. One thing I thought it could use more of are descriptions. This chapter would be a lot better with more of those, but I know that can be hard since I usually am pretty bad about putting enough of those into my stories.
Here are some suggestions I have:
'But not me. I was her best friend.'- Possibly combine these two sentences like 'But not me, I was her best friend.'
'When we finally pulled up to the expansive bungalow, my memories fast-forwarded to our last visit, when she had locked herself inside its bathroom with her bag of cocaine and sworn never to come out.'- Consider changing the second 'when' to 'the time'. I think that would make the sentence sound a little better.
'aquired'- Misspelled. Should be acquired.
'prision'- Misspelled or a typo. Should be prison.
'more queasy'- Try using queasier instead.
'“But Mr, Kilbourne--” I said'- The comma shoul be a period.
Good job on this chapter. I look foward to the next chapter as well.
Very truthful and sincere poem. The message, however depressing it might seem, is also very inspiring.
I expecially liked these lines:
Bullets will be deadly
If you don’t learn how to duck
The only suggetion that I have is that you could revise the second to last line of the poem to make it sound a little smoother. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing about the poem. Awesome job on this poem and I hope to read more like this from you in the future.
Excellent continuation of your story. I think you did a better job on this chapter then the previous ones. The plot seemed to develop a few more twist, but nothing major that would make it conclude too quickly in the next chapter. The incident with Tarrah showed the reality of middle school. I like how you described Andy's remorse for the stiuation and how it was solved.
Here are a few comments/suggestions I have:
'falling over With'- You're missing a period after the word over.
'to bear, His'- The comma should be a period.
'She was supposed to be just the school geek! She's not a person, a friend, or any of that. She...she's...'- Nothing wrong with this. I really liked how you phrased this section. I think it describes a thought/feeling that people use to justify being cruel to other people.
'pasttime'- Misspelled. It should be pastime.
'Andy’s face was now passive, a soft porcelain-like serenity'- Possibly reword this to say something like 'Andy's face now had a passive, soft porcelain-like serenity' to make it sound somewhat smoother.
'longtressed'- I'm not sure about this word. I think it is supposed to be two seperate words.
'enthusiasticly'- Misspelled. Should be enthusiastically.
I am looking foward to reviewing the conclusion of Different and Cool. I might be able to get to that later on tonight, but if not tonight I'll review it tomorrow.
Good addition to 'Different and Cool'. This seems to be almost the midpoint of the plot so its good to see some of the plans/intentions of the story's character take form. You also give the reader a sense of what is left to happen in future chapters, but also left the reader wondering what wlse could happen. You also did a good job on descriptions through out this chapter.
Here are a few suggestions that I have:
'irritance'- I'd suggest changing this to irritancy.
'(and of course'- And should be capatalized.
'Another brief moment of silence.'- This sentence is incomplete. You could add 'passed' at the end of the sentence to fix it.
'due to either cluelessness or nonobservance'- I would recommend changing this to 'due to either being clueless or nonobservant'
'The guys've'- Did you mean 'These guys've'
'Only the crickets answered.' Consider adding this to the end of the last paragraph. It seems to fit better there.
Good job on this chapter of 'Different and Cool' and I hope to see that you have done as good a job on future chapters. I look foward to reading more of your work.
This was a good addition to Different and Cool. It had more to it (for lack of a better word) than the first chapter. I liked how the plot is progressing with added complications to Andy's situation.
Here are a few suggestions:
'Standing haplessly for a moment. Then he grit his teeth, gathered up his book bag, and made for the school.'- Consider combining these two sentences. For example 'He stood haplessle for a moment, and then grit his teeth, gathered up his book bag, and made for the school.'
'Which, today, was quite a different place.'- This sentence seems to be out of place. I would suggest incorporating it in with the paragraph before or after it.
'ernest'- Misspelled, should be earnest.
'"Yet, of course, there are alternatives to free-will,"'- Nothing wrong with this line, I just like what it says. I wouldn't change anything about it except maybe add more to Grandpa Moses' philosophy.
I like where you are taking this story. I didn't know if I would like the story as a whole after the first chapter, but this chapter made me know I would. Keep up the good work. I look foward to the next chapter of Different and Cool.
You have a pretty good start to Different and Cool. I think the plot so far is decent, but could use a little bit of excitment. I guess I usually don't read stories in the drama genre because they usually don't keep my attention. This one actually did though.
Through the chapter, I noticed you did a really good job at describing different elements of the story. I hope you are able to keep this up in the next chapter.
The setting of the story was good. It fit the plot very well. You did a pretty good job at showing the reader what the setting appeared like.
Here are a few other suggestions that I have:
'SLAM! a long, thin implement'- A should be capitalized.
'(he liked the green gelatin)'- He should be capitalized.
'(philosophy, not the gelatin picking)'- Philosophy should be capatalized.
'girl asked, an earnest look'- You could try rephrasing this segment as 'girl asked with an earnest look' to make it aound less choppy.
'Opening said door, he then deftly stepped to his left.'- Possibly changing it to 'Opening the door, he deftly stepped to his left.'
'Andy shrunk down in his seat like a whacked mole, finding nowhere to hide other than his seat.'- You could make this less repetitive by phrasing it as 'Andy shrunk down in his seat like a whacked mole finding nowhere to hide.
I enjoyed reading this chapter and feel free to post the next chapter in "Invalid Item"
Here is a good addition to From the Corner of Her Eye. The introduction of more characters in this chapters adds to the suspense of the novel, leaving me to wonder which of the characters introduced so far will be the 'four on the MS coast' from the introduction. I like how you are giving introductions in this first few chapters, but if you don't start further plot development in the next chapter your story could lose the reader's interest.
I can't really comment on the plot this early in your story, and since the chapters I've read so far haven't had too much progression into the actual story line. I do think the setting you used (the MS coast) gives your story a mysterious feeling. One thing I noticed throughout these first few chapters is that you don't give too much descriptions of the area the characters are in. I think if you would start describing it in these chapters with a hint of eeriness to it, but overall pretty normal then slowly reduce the normal descriptions through the rest of the novel.
Here are a couple of grammer mistakes that I noticed:
1-'On the other side of the threshold stood a stranger clearing the way for her to pass.'- This is an incomplete sentence. I would suggest combining it with the sentenct before or after it to fix it.
12-'curiosity. “I been waiting here five minutes for you'- Did you mean 'I've been'? I am not sure since it is in the chapters dialouge.
I had to look back through the previous chapters to remember exactly what the story was about and I noticed that the chapter entries in your book item are out of order. Just thought I would let you know. Again I look forward to the next chapter and reading on in From the Corner of Her Eye
Good job on 'The Haunt'. The poem had a good flow from beginning to end. The rhyme scheme was good also but seemed to falter a little in the last two lines with within and again. I liked the repitition of our in the second stanza. That gave the poem an added effect when you look at the poem over all. I wouldn't change that use of repitition even if others say it takes away from or changes the flow of the poem.
Good story. The story was able to hold my interests through the whole thing. The story was well written and the fast paced style fit it perfectly. Overall, the plot of the story was great. The only thing I didn't like about it was that it seemed to be too short, but that also helped make the affect of the story better. Her are a couple of things I noticed that you might want to fix:
'Running for her life and freedom'- Incomplete sentence. I'm not sure if you have it there for effect though.
'monstruous'- Misspelled, should be monstrous.
You did a very good job on this story and I encourage you to keep that up on anything else you write.
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Your novel is off to a good start. You developed the story leaving subtle forshadowing in its mist. The tone you used fit the story good and you kept it consistant through the whole chapter. You gave it an eerie fell that fit it.
I noticed some things I would recommend changing. Some of them are grammer related and others are just my opinion.
'That Stefan was probably too drunk to drive now having spent the evening with his mates at the local was something she avoided thinking about as she stepped from the relative shelter of the club doorway and into the cold winter night alone.'- Try to clean up this sentence to clarify its point.
'woollen'- Misspelled, should be woolen.
'realised'- Misspelled, should be realized.
'recognised'- Misspelled, should be recognized.
'“Are you like a journalist or something?”
“No, why do you ask?”'- Missing a space between the two lines.
'The girl, Eliza filled what passed for his thoughts and even as he’d walked away, the scent of her skin had remained with him, a scent rich with a mixture of life, energy and sensuality that made him ache to possess her as he had so many others'- Consider clarifying this sentence somewhat.
'“I was. Why the Hell are you outside my house at one in the morning Andy?”
“Because somebody needed a lift.”- Missing a space betweein the two lines.
'“Probably.”
“I thought you and Stefan fell out over the whole thing with me and Alice, you gonna tell me he called you?”
“No but it was your house number that came up.”
“You wanna tell me what’s’ going on?”
“You don’t want to know. Just come for a drive for a while and let it go. Trust me, you look like you’ve had a rough night, you don’t want to deal with this tonight Liz.”
“Andy, I stopped trusting you when you tried to knife Stefan for dumping your sister. Why the hell would I start now? Just tell me what the hell s going on.”
- Missing the spaces between lines where different people are talking. Seems like you stooped doing that at this point even though you've been doing it throughout most of the chapter.
'realised'- Misspelled, should be realized.
'Elizas’'- Typo/ Eliza's
'brothers’'- Typo/ brother's
'metres'- Typo/ meters
'“I don’t know, I need time to think. Do you mind if we just drive for a while?”
“No, whatever just let me know when you’ve had enough and decide on someplace you wanna be.”
“Sure and Nathan, thanks, I didn’t mean to be rude earlier.”
“Don’t worry about it, just glad to be able to help.”
-Forgot the spaces between speakers in this section.
'He looked up, as if seeking to gage the remaining hours or minutes of darkness left and gave thanks for the clouds that would hold the coming day at bay for a precious few extra minutes, time enough perhaps for him to finish all that he planned, no needed, ached to do with the helpless woman sleeping beside him.'- This sentence looks like it needs some clarifying. It's kind of confusing.
One last thing, I liked how you ended the chapter with the mysterious Nathan about to put his plan into action. It leaves me wanting to find out what he is really planning to do. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter in this novel.
This is going to be an excellant novel. You have already started it off with a lot of suspense and detail, and I hope it continues that way. You did a good job showing how Kyla was suddenly thrown into another place and/or time. The tone you used around that section of the chapter to portray the drunken confusion Kyla was in worked perfectly with the sudden appearance in another place. At the end of the chapter you are left wondering if she just passed out and is dreaming or if she really has been taken prisoner.
The only suggestion I have is to maybe include a flashback to Kiya and her Mother spending time together to show their relationship rather than explaining it. Otherwise everything was very good. I didn't see any mistakes with the grammer or spelling, which is expected in a third revision. Goods job on this chapter and keep up the good work on the next ones.
I'm impressed with this story so far. You've done a very good job in all the chapters of introducing the characters, but I think you did an even better job at that in this chapter. Now I'm left wondering how Caleb and Jack are going to tie in with the characters introduced in chapter two. I honestly don't have any suggetions with this chapter because it would take away from the development of the story as a whole if you took anything out, but would make the story drag on too much if you added anything. You have made a nearly perfect balance along these lines. The only suggetion I can make is to not change a thing.
This is a good start to your novel. It gives the reader an insite into the characters personalities. The only thing is took away from plot development a little bit. Considering this isn't a short story though, that probaly will make the story better in the long run. You left the reader wondering when something is going to happen and how these characters would deal with something like that. You have already shown us that the characters are smart people, but left us wondering how they would deal with certain circimstances that might arise. One way you might give a reader insight into that is to give a little background into the reason that Josh and Katie are staying with their grandmother.
Overall, there wasn't too many mistakes that I noticed, but here are the few I did:
3-'became'- Should be become.
7-'renown'- Should be renowned.
9-'tastebuds'- Should be two seperate words.
49-'cicads'- Misspelled, should be cycads.
A lot of what I thought might be added to these chapters would work putting in the next chapter. You probaly already have an idea of how you are going to continue this story, so you know more about how the story is going to develop. One last suggestion would be to just combine these two chapters, you don't really need them split up.
I like were you're taking this story, and I would like to see where you take it. Good job.
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Creepy story. I liked it. The whole thing was written well. I didn't notice any mistakes in the grammer or anything else. It shows how hard it can be to let go of someone they lost, especially for a parent to lose a young child. I liked how the setup of the story led you to the discovery of the body, which alone was suprising. The addition of what Mathew says at the end, especially the daddy part, is a shocking turn of events. The tone of the whole story is kind of dark to begin with, but the ending made it that much better. I wouldn't change a thing unless you add on some other twist that tops the end of this one now.
Good job on this story and I encourage you to keep on writing with the skill you showed here.
This was a very good short story. You set up the reader for the suprise at the end perfectly. The reader had no idea that the sniper would be his father. The only thing that I expected to happen at the end of the story was that Brett Johnson would die in Korea like we thought his father had. The twist that his father was the sniper for the enemy was excellent and very unexpected. Good job on this story and I hope that your stories in the future are of equal value.
I like were your going with this story. It seems somewhat like a futuristic tale that, with the chip inplanting and such, could even be possible in our own world. There were a few mistakes that I saw, but nothing major.
'No cubits meant no food'- Consider expanding this sentence to make it not sound 'choppy'.
'mudane'- Mispelled word. It should be 'mundane.
'abysmal paying, slag jobs available'- Probaly should put 'and' before slag.
'The screen before her returning to its original data feed: a news editorial.'- Revise this sentence to give it a smoother sound.
Another suggestion I have is to give more of a hint into Dahgri's past and the past of the world in. That wouldn't have to be in this chapter and you might already be planning to add it into the nest. Before you add another chapter, I would consider adding on to this chapter until something happens to further the plot a little more and then add n the next chapter. I like where you are taking this story so far and would like to read more.
Good job on this story. It's not the normal type of story I'd read, but it was good either way. I don't know if you intended it to be like a fairy tale, but it reminded me of a lot of them I heard before in the style of writing. The main idea of your story was one I haven't heard of before. I did see a few things that you might want to change:
'Without looking up she knew he was scowling, he was always scowled at her'- The second part of the sentence seems to be uneeded, all it does is repeat what was already said in the first half.
'“Mouse.” The girl'- The peaiod should be a coma and then the 'T' should be lower case.
'“Be patient,Mouse'- Need a space between the coma and Mouse.
'she knew, then shook her head.'- add 'and' after the coma.
'his magics'- Magic doesn't need to be plural. I might have a better effect if you wrote 'his own magic'.
'But hiding was useless she knew; he always found her'- This sentence doesn't sound quite right. I'd try chaning it to 'She knew hiding was useless; he always found her.' to avoid starting the sentence with but.
'“Tisk, tisk.” Alia said'- Change the peiod to a coma. I think there was some other ones like this that I missed.
Those are just things I would change, but it is your story and you have the right to make the changes or not.
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