I know you've written two more parts of the story since you wrote this, so I'm obviously late to the reviewing party. That said, I intend to read the other two shortly, and hopefully review all of them. This is a solid piece, with lots of potential. From reading it, it seems like you have a good idea what you want these various characters to become. After reading this part, though, I still don't. While there's lots of dialogue between the characters, the dialogue doesn't tell the reader much about the characters, and doesn't really set a scene. As I was reading it, I consistently thought that this would be an excellent introduction to a TV episode.
I *really* like the opening paragraph with the guy in the room with the rat. You've got excellent detail and evocative descriptions. I also like the abrupt transition from that scene to the next one. We go from a nearly-dead guy in a room with a rat to essentially ordinary scenes of life in suburbia. I think that's really well done, and it really makes me wonder what's next.
I think the next part bogs down a little bit, though. I think the various snapshots of the other characters are either too short or too long. Other than Bill, I'm not yet sure who I'm supposed to really care about. That's ok, but I think the dialogue feels more like clutter because of this.
A couple of smaller, random points: 1) it seems really inconsistent for Shannon to get all worked up over Bill's disappearance, only to have us later learn that there is at least one other guy who might be sending her flowers. 2) In the first line, you write: "Consciousness returned as bright sunlight seared its way through his eyelids, abating the darkness." First, I think "bright sunlight seared" is redundant, and doesn't really add anything. Second, I think the words "its way" detract from the narrative force of the sentence. Finally, I am fairly sure (but not 100% certain) that "abate" is an intransitive verb. That is, sunlight can't abate darkness. Darkness can abate, or sunlight can cause darkness to abate. You might try something like: "Sunlight seared through his eyelids, pushing back the darkness." You could replace "pushing back" with vanquishing, or pummeling, or something similar if you want something more aggressive sounding.
Stick with this -- I think it's got lots of potential, and I can't wait to read the next two installments. |
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