This chapter seems as though it has not been crafted to the level of your prior chapters. It feels more rushed through with fewer details and hurried introductions of characters that feel as though they pose important roles. Maybe describe how they entered the stone room and more details of the councilman. And suddenly Everly seems to be meek and ignorant of her own situation, where I felt she was a stronger character with more determination and knowledge of her environment than maybe she should at her age. Especially as a seer... I would think she would almost have more information than the councilman and instead of them explaining what the politcal scene of their world was to her... that she would astound them with HER knowledge of things a layman wouldnt know, let alone a young girl who would not normally even have an interest in the runnings of the nation she resides... Yet she possesses a remarkable item... and knows who the councilman are... She should be dominating this conversation... Almost impatiently, like 'You of all people should realize what is happening here and the urgency of which we must do something"!!!
Yay! Loving it still!! A few suggestions... In the first sentence you have described large actions with words reflecting his turmoil but his eyelids only 'moved' back and forth... maybe a more 'active' word to help carry on the frantic dream he is enduring.. maybe 'darted' or 'shot' or 'raced'... 'moved' seemed a benign word for the rest of the activities that were happening...
Also, Everly can use advanced language skills and verbage and grammar because we don't really know where she is from or what her background is... But I feel if Skye is to use words such as 'ominous' and sound too formal or 'adult' your target audience may not identify with him as well. He is the average kid and most average kids would use a phrase more like 'Yeah, that sounds pretty crappy"... or "Yeah that would suck."... I would lower his speaking/thinking skills to that of a kid in our world, because they will see him as an equal. If he speaks above their level they will put the book down because he sounds like their parents. Everly and Skye can contrast the speaking levels and it can be a terrific way to expose kids to proper English when they see the side by side comparison. They wont even realize what they are learning.
LOVE IT!!! I want more!! I am engaged! You have done a terrific job with the descriptions so my minds eye is constructing the scene in my head as she runs down the street, yet I dont have enough information to stop reading! I need more! Who could stop reading as she went into the forrest let alone found herself in some sort of portal!! very intriguing and captivating! I want to know WHY she stole the book and is runningf for her life from creaturws I cant quite see yet! So vivid yet mysterious! Im excited!
A couple little things, as far as structure goes, you have 'your' capitiliazed at the end of the first sentence in the second paragraph... no big deal...
And you have two sentences - "In her haste she never noticed the glowing. She just ran right through the yellow and green swirling vortex that had suddenly opened ahead of her." It took me a moment to realize what was happening. I think the period threw me off.. Perhaps if you combined the two sentences with a comma for the pause, it will feel more fluid... "In her haste she never noticed the glowing, she just ran right through the yellow and green swirling vortex that had suddenly opened ahead of her."
It is merely my opinion and you can certainly do with the suggestion what you like... The two seemed so separate and I did have to pause and read it again to fully understand. But regardless of the those two tiny items, I LOVE what youre doing here and I cant wait to read more!!
I am intrigued, Maylene! I want more already! I like the concept and ideas in the summary. I'm ready to open the book and smell the new pages! I like that Skye is 'average'. My experience is that your audience will relate with that... and want to see what makes him extraordinary. It provides enough reality for them to hope that it could happen to them as well. And who is this mysterious girl? Why and how did she fall through the roof? We ALL dream and how many times have we explained one to a friend and said "it was soooo real!!" it is a believable median for tweens to accept and relate to... can't wait to hear more... Write on!
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