Wow! I love the way you picked me up from the first line. You kept me intrigued with what was bothering Lisa. I like how you interwove the background throughout the first chapter. You used very natural-sounding dialogue between your characters, which is great.
I will like to suggest:
1. Consider combing the sentences in Chapter 2 where you speak about Dr. Kendrick looking for the ADT manual. Perhaps end the sentence with: and opened the nightstand's drawer where I kept my ADT system info. Or reword the sentence so you avoid using: That's where I kept my ADT system info. It sounds too much like your telling me instead of just showing what’s going on in the story.
2. My other suggestion is to use another way of showing how Dr. Kendrick reassures himself when he starts to get spooked. It’s hard for me to believe that someone who feels they might be in danger, will then begin to remind themselves of their material possessions in order to feel safe. Typically our natural instinct is to fight or flight. Perhaps Dr. Kendrick has a pistol next to the ADT manual, just in case the cops take to long to show up, or a baseball bat under his bed. Or even a secret trap door that leads him directly to his car.
-a. Also the detailed description of his bed and the car he will test drive, implied you wanted your reader to know he is an extremely successful man. From your writing, I have full faith you can demonstrate that without spelling it out for us. You did an amazing job in describing what was happening in the first chapter allowing your reader to fill in some of the details. I will like to see you do that continuously throughout the rest of the story.
All in all, you did an amazing job. I was really blown away by your writing style. I hope my input helps. And please hurry with the ending of the story, because I can’t wait to find out what happens! =0)
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