Did I like it? Yes.
I absolutely love the concept and story of this poem and was fully engaged from start to finish. I enjoyed the language and word juxtaposition is a treat though I did find the flow a bit tricky to navigate at times and had to re-trace my steps to re-gain it - having said that maybe it's not a bad thing to have to do that anyway.
Being extra pedantic? Only because I like it so much.
For my own personal preference I might also have liked to have seen a non-old testament historical reference in there to balance the poem out and give it a wider, more secular scope of interest, but I can see why you have not elected not to potentially 'water down by diversifying' as well.
Technical hitches? Just two I spotted.
*And Cain's murder of poor Able? (Spelling should be Abel.)
*And all the sins were silent, to stunned to make a sound. (Usage of word should be 'too' stunned)
Was this feedback useful? Let me know if you are so inclined.
I'm not sure if you've gone for a 'poetry as mantra' feel here but I am of the opinion that your poem is so saturated with words beginning 'some' that the message is all but drowned out. A bit of objective editing methinks would give your content more room to breathe and allow a more thought provoking experience for the reader.
My understanding of the occult, poetry and mathematics is laughably basic but I found this an exhilarating, magical read.
I do feel that the piece may benefit from more consistent punctuation though, and tiny fragments of language used i.e. 'with in' and 'brake down' seem (to me at least) to lack clarity and have me scratching my head wondering if they should read 'breakdown/break down' or 'within'.
I hope this review has been of some use.
oneslymonkey
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