"In a field of daisies
I'm the red amongst the white"
And there's plainly sincere emotion. I like this poem a lot. However, it's a little vague as to the main thrust of the piece; you state it was to boost a friend's confidence, but it seems quite downbeat for such a purpose.
This is a really good mission statement. I like the idea of life as canvas upon which we, or others, paint; I like the (perhaps coincidental) parallels with "Invictus" by Henley.
Whilst the language doesn't leap out at me - it's quite stark, and perhaps the intention - the bare bones approach gets by fine, especially when coupled with obvious sincerity. The assonance is reasonably well executed too, between lines.
Ah! This is a pleasure to read. I just wrote in another review about how the best poems feel "professional" and feel like "art", at least in terms of my definitions of those words.
This poem is tidy and professional but doesn't leap out as something written by a veteran (and I mean in that no negative, trust me); nor does it strike one as crafted art, despite the beautiful rhythm and structure. Rather, it comes across as a powerfully felt...song, I suppose. It feels almost Irish in its poignant mixture of joy and sorrow.
Counterpointing of classic images of joy and of rather more contemporary ones, with different choices of vocab, really make for a great contrast.
"To befriend some oddball nothing guy
When I could have just avoided his eye"
That's a pleasant contrast to the following, two statements you'd never expect to see in the same poem.
"To smell the lilies of the valley,
Pick them for the girl I plan to marry;"
And so on. Some of the lines feel heavy; the rhythm isn't always consistent and perfect, though it's generally very good.
I'll finish this review by quoting that beautiful, angry, sad finish:
"Till I see my free, my native shores
Rid of petty tyrants and their whores."
This poem requires one to understand the natural rhythm behind it, but once one does, it's quite a little gem. With some (conscious or unconscious) similarities to certain of the Persian poets (Rumi) but in a Westernized mode, this poem is attractive to the ear.
The recurring yet non-standardized rhyme is a tuning fork that lets us move with the rhythm of the poem quite nicely.
A personal disagreement with the poem is that the imagery/vocabulary is not as vivid as I personally love; there are no original metaphors or contrasting images or interesting words. Of course that is a personal issue, but by the same marker I also identify greatly with the powerful emotion behind the poem, so it's all even. Good stuff!
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