I checked the 'please review' link and saw your story listed. You say that you want real help with your story. I will offer hints and ideas as well as share the strengths. It is a lengthy story so my review will be the same.
Overall impression - You have a good plot with believable characters. (You have not yet set your 'bio block' on the site so I don't know anything about you, which is good in a way since I don't have any preconcieved ideas.) The setting on a college campus allows a large number of people, old and young to relate. The plot of a student trying to work out relationships is another strong point. As there are many different emotions, so there are many ways this story could go; this keeps the reader involved, wanting to find out what happens.
One grammar point - use a comma at the end of a quote instead of a period. Example "I'm in Frimmels," Grace replied.
A comment on names - you use several unusual names in the story. It is good to be different, but too many can overload the story, unless of course they are based on actual names of people and places you are familiar with.
Tone - Grace is a college student at an exciting time of her life, yet just about every day is 'hum drum' 'uneventful'. This is the beginning of the semester, a usually active time for students.
A general observation - As I read this story, you are telling me about Grace. That is what a story teller does, right? Not necessarily. A good story teller becomes the main character and tells her own story. Put yourself in Grace's shoes and write it like she would. AN EXAMPLE - When she is working on her math homework, you say "Grace was never very good at math" Instead, let her tell me as in - "This is so frustrating," she blurted out as she threw her pencil across the room. "I hate math! Why do I even have to take it? I'll be so glad when I get these credits out of the way." - you see, her dialogue tells me her story as well as her emotinal outburst.
A simple suggestion - When you are writting someone's thoughts, instead of using quotes, try using italics. It sets the sentence apart and as the reader gets into the story, he automatically knows it is thought and not verbal speech.
Another general observation - you have a habit of using words or phrases many times in a row. It is a common habit, as we want to make sure we get our point across. I am new to writing, having been too busy with my job and family to realize I love to write. I have recently (December of 2005) rekindled my love afair with writing. I have finished my first novel and it is at the publisher's now. I have written first drafts of parts 2 & 3. I say this to let you know that I am serious about writing and want to help anyone who is desirous of it. When I began, I had the same habit, one my editor (my daughter) was kind enough to point out.
For example - in the 1st paragraph, you use some form of the word 'class' 5 times.
A possible rewording would be - It was the first day of class. The English teacher introduced herself and dove straight into the first assignment, revealing that she was not your ordinary teacher. "Your first assignment," she said, "is to introduce the person I pair you with to the rest of the class." She looked over the startled students and said, "Grace Trevensa and Jack Scuvinsky..."
This would be the time to introduce Grace and her attitude about the assignment.
Your dialoge at the end of Monday is great. You had 4 quotes without any "said", "replied" etc. yet I knew exactly who was speaking. In an extended conversation, you need to add a few "Said" or "answered" or what ever to keep us straight as to who is saying what. - Also, without the extra's, the action speeds up. If you want to slow it down, use a few choice 'extra's' to show tone of voice, facial expressions, clicking of a pen, or whatever. Also, for the most part, 'said' by itself is acceptable.
Tuesday's paragraph - you don't need the word 'fairly' as uneventful can stand by itself.
Also, 'she' occurs 7 times. Again, you are telling about her, try letting her tell me herself.
I assume 'Praise' is some kind of meeting, so it might help to say 'praise meeting'.
The idea of formatting the story by days of the week is good, but it is okay to skip days that don't pertain to the story (Like "the rest of Tuesday" and Thursday was a...")
Earlier - on Monday - give the website a name that let's the reader realize it is like Myspace. Don't add the line "a website...to Myspace." as well as the sentence about it being a fictional website. People know it is a story and automatically assume it is made up.
Flashback - again you are telling us about Grace's past using a formal -this is what happened- style. Try letting Grace tell it, as in -
"Oh no," she whispered as her mind went back to that eventful day of Freshman orientation. (Drop the section about dinner.)
She was waiting for the president to speak when a tall, brown haired young man sat next to her. "Hi, I'm Kyle."
"I'm Grace," she said looking into the most beautiful brown eyes she had ever seen.
Instead of saying "Graces birthday was that day" let her tell me, "My birthday is today, and my mom sent me a cake, you know how mom's are." or something like that.
Instead of telling us (she had her door open) try letting Ryan tell us. - "Knock, knock," Ryan said, "your door was open, so I came in - What!
You're not dressed yet. Get a move on girl..."
To me, the climax of the story is the paragraph where she is thinking about the words "I love you" and what they mean to her. That paragraph should be lengthened with a lot of emotion added.
In the next to the last paragraph, you have two almost identical sections.
I think you need to keep the part about Kyle and Jade dating, but don't have them wanting to include Grace all the time. Instead of Kyle and Jade looking at the stars, maybe it would be better to have Kyle approach her about the need to talk things out. Then have her go back to her dorm and spend the next hour talking with Jack. As I said earlier, there are many ways to end this story. It is good that Grace and Kyle find closure as that relates back to the cliamx about his faux-pax "I love you" I think it would be a good idea to include Jack, her new friend in the ending as in -
Grace was glad she was able to find closure with Kyle, especially since Jack was on the horizon sailing toward her harbor.
I hope this makes sense to you and helps you. THe most important thing you need to remember is THIS IS YOUR STORY, you have final say in how it is written. I have mearly given you some suggestions. how you use them is up to you. If they help you, I'm so glad. If they don't, forget them. Even if you disregard everyting I said, this time of reviewing was not wasted for me. I have learned that the only way I can get better is to help someone else get better. It was a pleasure to be able to review your story and offer my humble suggestions. |
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