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1
1
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good afternoon SSpark

Found this on the request review page and decided to offer my two cents.

I see a good beginning to a memoir with the added benefit of it occurring in the great Lone Star State. You have a logical progression: introduction of the land, the seed of a dream, obstacles to achieving that dream only to find out it wasn't all it promised.

I like your use of strong words and clever similes.


Your request is for an honest and in-depth review of the account. That is what I hope to accomplish. Before I begin, I want you to understand that I believe you are a good writer and this account is worth reading and reviewing. As you read, you may get the impression that I am putting your writing down. I am not. My only goal is to help you to become a better writer.

I believe the opening paragraph is the hardest to write in any story. You want an opening that reaches out, grabs the reader and demands -Read Me. One way to accomplish this is to ask a question. It doesn't have to be a literal one like you used. Its purpose is to give the reader a reason to keep reading; to find the answer to the question.

Two thoughts.

1) You do open with a question, which is good. But you answer it in the same paragraph. Now, the reader doesn't need to keep reading.
2) You open with a question, insert an opinion and then proceed to answer the question. The opinion sentence draws the reader out of the story. It may be just me, but I had to stop and reread the paragraph to understand it. If that happens too often in a story, the reader will look for something else.

This leads me to my next point. I understand that this is a memoir and you are telling us of your experiences. The difficulty with this is, the majority of the account is telling, not showing.

To explain. My wife grew up in Arizona. I was born and bred in the Adirondack mountains. See told me often of Arizona and how much she loved it there. She described the desert's natural beauty and greatness. All I could see was a giant cat liter box baking in the sun.

There came a time when we visited Arizona. This time, she showed it to me and I discovered her love for it. She told me things about Arizona like the heat (telling), while I was experiencing the 106 degree temperature (showing).

That is what you must do in your writing.

Here is an example. You write - The only elevation for miles around is found among white sandy beaches that glow under mostly cloudless skies.

You do have good description words: elevation, white sandy beaches, glow, cloudless. So, this can look like a showing sentence.

Telling points
1) you have two adverbs which in and of themselves are telling words.
2) The phrase 'is found' is passive which is also telling
3) You tell us the beaches glow.

How can we change this to more showing?

Some background first.

You tell the majority of the story in first person. There are places where you change to third person, which you should edit by changing to first person. More on that later.
This section is written in third person - Wandering the dunes we loved to explore ... was the closest we got to ..."
You then revert to first person for the remainder of the paragraph.

The end of the previous paragraph reads like this - an enormous expanse of warm water that ushers in hurricanes like a whistle-blowing cop, urging traffic to move.

Here is a good example of a simile, but I wonder if it is appropriate as written. You compare the Gulf to a policeman who urges traffic to move. The Gulf directs the storms so could you adjust the simile like this - Corpus Christi lies sunning herself on the Gulf of Mexico, that expanse of warm water directing hurricanes like a whistle-blowing traffic cop.

Then, instead of telling us about the elevation, show us.
I loved walking up and down the rolling dunes of the white sandy beaches.

Not the best, but it conveys the idea of elevation without using the word.

Another example - John Wayne, Marshall Matt Dillon, and Ben Cartwright were the yardsticks by which I measured my father.

Here, the words 'were' and 'by which' are telling. Can you eliminate them and change to showing. Perhaps - I measured my father by the likes of John Wayne, Marshall Dillon and Ben Cartwright. This leads nicely to the next sentence - And I swore I'd never marry unless Little Joe or Rowdy Yates proposed . . . Rowdy. Little Joe is well, too little.

You begin the 6th paragraph like this - Our family's flag flew smack dab in the center of the middle class. This is third person which can take the reader out of the story.

A simple fix is - My family's flag flew smack dab in the center of the middle class. (You don't need the definite article - THE)

You go directly from middle class to taking only one vacation. Could you combine them better with something like this - My middle class father saw fit to take us on one real vacation - Disneyland. Other than that, we packed up the station wagon and headed to the hill country of San Antonio.



I like the contrast of the flat Gulf to the hills of San Antonio.

One more example - I may have shuffled from one misstep to another, but I kept a smile plastered on my face and clicked those ruby slippers for all they were worth.

The phrases 'may have' and 'kept a smile plastered' are telling. Can you make it showing by something like - I shuffled from one misstep to another, but I plastered a smile on my face, clicked those ruby slippers for all they were worth and held on to my dream, no matter what.

Not the best, but now you have 4 action statements that the reader can relate to.

This section is confusing - I felt like Scarlett O’Hara in a threadbare work dress, rising from a hardscrabble field. “I’ll never go hungry again!” I screamed, clutching a fistful of dirt and glaring toward Heaven.

I am assuming the 'I screamed' references Scarlett. However, as written, it is a dialogue tag explaining your actions when reading the web-site. It can't refer to you unless you have a container of dirt next to your computer.

An easy fix is to change it to 'she screamed'.

I wonder about this phrase - 'my body had never gone hungry'. I know that we, as Americans, have bountiful food supplies at our disposal. Even so, there are times when we do get hungry. Also, the phrase 'to be clear' screams telling. Maybe instead of writing the negative - never gone hungry - make it positive to contrast the negative dying dream - feast vs famine.

While my body feasted on delicacies, my dream lay famished, crawling for one morsel of bread.
I have more I could write, but I've imposed enough for this evening.

Have a great day and keep on writing. I look forward to upcoming chapters of this memoir.

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown
2
2
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (3.0)
Good evening,

Saw this on the request review page and decided to give it a go.

You have a decent story here, a heavy philosophical piece that might not appeal to the average fiction reader. Most fiction readers are looking for excitement and entertainment.

I won't comment on the 'doctrinal' aspect of the story, but will confine my comments to writing style.

I like that you use strong words as they work well to show the action instead of simply telling us. I do find however that sometimes they don't work as well as they should. For example, you write "The saccades of his eyes searched along the bar..."

The dictionary definition of 'saccade' is - a rapid movement of the eye between fixation points.

So if you insert the definition instead of the word, you have this - The rapid movement of the eye between fixation points of his eyes searched along the bar...

When you add the description after the word you are being redundant.

Another example. You write "with salivation on his lips".
Salivation means to secrete saliva, especially in anticipation of food. Thus it isn't referencing the saliva itself, but the production of it; so the phrase 'salivation on his lips' is incorrect.

When he meets his brother he - flowed out of his chair.
The picture I get in my mind is ODO, from Deep Space Nine, turning into liquid and pouring out onto the floor. Perhaps you meant he "Flew out of his chair", which makes more sense.

I notice that you use a lot of adverbs. These are weak words that support verbs, in effect weakening them. I'm not saying you need to eliminate all of them, but five in one sentence is overmuch.

Ivan would have never admitted, even to himself, to purposely choosing a dimly lit corner of the room but, as his nature most automatically skewed toward the theatrical, this was undoubtedly the case.

I'm not sure about this sentence - Dimitry's ears turned hot.

I can understand them turning red because of anger, but not hot.

A note on dialogue tags. You shouldn't use tags to tell your reader what emotion the speaker is experiencing. Your words should convey that info to us.
Example - "You remember the day?" Ivan asked.
When you end a sentence with a question mark, we know the person is asking a question. Thus, you don't neet to say 'Ivan asked'.

Here you write - Dimitry said with jovial eyes.
I understand you want us to know he was smiling with his eyes. As written, you are telling us his jovial eyes are doing the speaking.

An easy fix would be something like - "You mean to embarrass me, brother." Dimitry smiled. "Careful or I'll embarrass ..."

Another - Ivan's nose shot toward his brother's.
I'm sure you mean he got up close to his brother's face, but it sounds like he shot his nose at his brother as one would shoot a pistol.


I find that you repeat yourself throughout the story. When Ivan is on a drunken rant, it works well, to a point as it is more natural.

"No, of course not, of course not. We never address anything. We are men - brothers. And brothers do not waste time in trivialities such as this. Women, maybe. Two sisters, yes, I can see that. I can see that very clearly. But two men, two brothers? No, it should never come to pass. And on the other hand, exactly why should it not? Why should it not come to pass? Are you not worthy of the truth and am I worthy of your concern, or your time. Of course, you should know. We should know all there is between us, for we are brothers. And I do not speak plainly in the familial sense.

Any story needs a strong opening. You start off strong, but falter half way through. Here is your opening sentence - Dimitry entered with a gust of sleeting rain, which was all at once silenced by the heavy wooden door behind him.

You have Dimitry entering in the midst of a storm. Without telling us what he was entering, it creates a curiosity to find out what he is entering. The phrase 'which was all at once' is wordy and slows down the action. Also, instead of a gust of sleeting rain, perhaps a howling sleeting rain would pair better with the sudden silence.

The sentence tells us the door silenced the storm, but the door could have been on a slow self-closing hinge. We need to hear the bang as it is slammed shut, either by the man or a bartender. This is an opportunity to insert some excitement into the story.

In the midst of his rant, you say 'Dimitry started in response, but Ivan did not relinquish.'

Instead of simply telling us this, why not use dialogue?
"Wait a minute -"
"Don't interrupt me brother. You'll make me lose my train of thought."

Well, I've rambled on enough for one review. Don't think that I am trying to discourage you or put you down. I wouldn't have invested this much time in my review if I thought this story had no merit. My only goal is to help you make this and every story you write better.

Have a good night.

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown
3
3
Review of Old Magic  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Good evening Julian

My first impression of this chapter is that you tell a good story. It is cohesive and flows well from one point to the next. Your characters are interesting and believable. You have introduced some intrigue by speaking of a soon to be battle. We don't know what kind of battle it is, so we keep reading to discover what it is.

In this review, I'll touch on a few items. I can go deeper into them at a later date if you so wish.

I noticed that you employ a lot of adverbs: finally, slightly, absentmindedly, uselessly, easily, etc. Adverbs are weak words and result in you telling the story, not showing it. For example, you write - "Ayu physically twisted his body." The word 'physically' isn't needed as the act of twisting implies it is a physical act.

In this example you say - 'that had stood up to gusts of wind suddenly dwindled to a tiny flame.' Here your adverb forms a contradiction. Dwindle means - diminish gradually in size, amount, or strength. Gradual is the opposite of sudden.

When you begin a story, you want your opening to reach out, grab the reader and scream read me. I don't see that here. The idea is there: fear in the midst of battle. However, the phrase 'made war' is weak and similar to 'make water' (and you know what that means). When the father responds, he doesn't answer the question, unless he only fought one battle. His response is 'My last battle...'
I also question that his fear came after the battle. I understand that in the midst of battle, adrenalin takes over and fear fades into the background, but fear doesn't appear after the battle. He then tells his son it is good to be afraid before his first battle.

Here is where you employ another unnecessary adverb - It has never fully gone away. You could say it simmers in the background, waiting to erupt at the proper moment. But if it is still there in the least little bit, it hasn't fully gone away. We understand that, you don't need to tell us.

A thought on dialogue tags. In the first sentence, you say - "Were you scared the first time you made war?" Ayu asked. You don't need the tag - Ayu asked - because that is the purpose of the question mark. Instead of the wordy - as he looked to his father on the other side of the campfire.

Can you try something like - Ayu said to his father seated across the campfire. You may have succeeded in not having long paragraphs of narrative, but wordy sentences can be just as bad. I understand the need to establish setting but do we really need to know the wind is blowing, rattling the leaves and scaring the birds? If his response included it, then maybe yes.

We know they are seated across a campfire. Why not use that. "The old man stared through the dancing flames, dropped his head and sighed. "Son, my last fight..."

Not very good, but I hope you get my thought.

I noticed that you are inconsistent with contractions in your dialogue. I like that you do not use contractions for Unarak's dialogue. This is a good way to distinguish him from the younger people around him and gives him an air of wisdom. This would contrast nicely with Ayu's more modern speech. The problem is that he speaks just like his father. Later on in the story, both employ contractions.

I noticed you use the phrase 'and then' numerous times. That again is a sure sign of telling rather than showing.

When the rest of the entourage approaches, Ayu says they are still 'a few hundred paces away.' Also, Tove is injured and requires help walking. Thus, it will take a while for them to arrive. His father says, "When they get here, I'm going to release the fire." Instead of waiting, he releases it right away.

It may seem that I am nit picking, but minor inconsistencies can take your reader out of the story and make them reread that section. If this happens too many times, they will close the book and move on to something else.

Here is another example: Ayu threw his fist through the air.

I picture him removing his fist, like a baseball glove and throwing it at the fire.
I guess that pairs well with his reply, "I'm sorry," Ayu caught his breath.

A lesson I learned from listening to a well published author. If you want to describe the speaker's action with a tag, end the dialogue with a period and make the tag a stand alone sentence.

For example, here you could do something like this -

"I'm sorry." Ayu looked down and shook his head.
"Look at me son. I know it is hard..."

In this case - "She tripped," Ren shrugged. "Hurt her foot." Change the comma to a period. The reasoning is you do not shrug a sentence of dialogue. You speak it. The comma says he shrugged the words.

Side note - you shouldn't use all caps to emphasize a statement - "You will be a great man someday - AFTER you've learned to control yourself". This is a weak method and screams telling. Use strong words instead.

Well that is enough for now. I hope I have been able to encourage you and not discouraged you. You have a good story here. If you want to go the traditional publishing route, good isn't enough.

I look forward to reading more of this story as you develop it.

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown
4
4
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (3.0)
Good afternoon Chasing Grace.

Saw you posted this for a review. I generally don't review stories of this length as I like to do in-depth reviews which often are longer than the story itself. For longer stories like this, I will offer a simple overall review. If you like what I say and agree with my reviewing style, I will do more in-depth reviews focusing on specific weak areas.

For this story, I broke it down into three sections (beginning, middle and ending).
Beginning - Charlotte arranging her mother's return (Longest section)
Middle - Mother returns (Shortest section)
Ending - Summer routine with deadly ending

One way to make self-editing easier is to outline the story. You can begin with an outline, or do one after it is finished, as I have. The outline offers several advantages. The biggest one is it allows you to see if the story is moving in a logical direction. You many find one paragraph that should be moved to a different part of the story.

My outline reveals that the beginning is the longest section with the middle being the shortest. This is opposite of what it should be. The beginning section needs to introduce the plot and characters and transition to the bulk of the story in the middle section. You end with a short section that supplies a nice little twist, as you did so well in this story.

An outline can also reveal that you perhaps missed some important element of the story. Perhaps you reference something in the ending that doesn't make sense to the reader because you failed to introduce it in part 1.

I read the preview to this story. I like the beginning with Violet on her deathbed. That put a whole new light on the story for me. (I was missing an important element).

You start with "Violet! Violet Kenny, hurry please!" Charlotte, the eldest...
Then, the next half of the story focuses on Charlotte with bits and pieces thrown in concerning Violet. I thought the story was about Charlotte, not Violet.

Maybe you are changing the story from the original to focus on Charlotte. If it is indeed about Violet you should consider changing some things in the first half.

First thing though, your opening sentence and paragraphs need to reach out and grab your reader and pull them into the story. You have a good start with Violet dawdling around her room while impatient Charlotte is losing it downstairs.

One issue is that you have two exclamation points in the opening sentence. This mode of punctuation should be used as little as possible and at appropriate times. It is a weak method of drawing attention to the action. Use strong words instead. Additionally, you insert a telling phrase (the oldest of the siblings) and an unnecessary dialogue tag - 'pleads'.

Could you try something more forceful, perhaps

"Violet, get down here right now."
"I can't find my shawl. It's cold out this morning."
"Grab the blue coat on my bed and get a move on."
Violet comes bounding down the stairs buttoning her coat.
"You know Charlotte, you're not mom. I don't think you should yell at me like that."

Not very good, but I hope you can see what I'm getting at. You have action and dialogue that introduces much the same info, while putting a bigger emphasis on Violet. Also, it provides a lead in for Charlotte to reveal that mom is coming home today.

To keep the focus on Violet, you can reverse this sentence - "Keep up, child." Charlot scolds Violet.

Into something like -

"Slow down Charlotte, I can't keep up with you."
"I'm sorry, but we have to catch Leo before he leaves work."
"Can you carry me then?"
An exasperated Charlotte tugs her forward. "You'll just have to take bigger steps."

Again, not the best. The idea is to bring the attention to Violet.

In a story such as this, dialogue should be utilized extensively to move the plot forward. You need some of the narrative background, but a big chunk can be turned into dialogue.

Let's look at this section - Charlotte called Albert and Herbert in from the back lot that lay behind the barn. Before they entered the house Gloria ordered them to remove their boots. Silvia, the youngest girl at the age of five followed them in. She was forever the boys shadow and clearly the tomboy of the family.

“Come wash up, you three and set the table for supper.” Gloria directs as she sits at the table peeling potatoes while Charlotte makes dough for biscuits


"Hey Albert and Herbert, you need to get in here now, there's work to be done."

Gloria, who is seated at the table peeling potatoes sees them enter. "Get back outside and take your boots off. Charlotte doesn't want you tracking mud across Violet's clean floor."

Silvia, the youngest looks around her big brother Albert, sporting a big smile.

"You too girl." She shakes her head. "For the life of me I can't figure out why you two let her shadow you all the time. You're turning her into a regular tomboy."

Silvia sticks her out her tongue and ducks behind Albert.

"Sorry sis, but we like having her around, don't we Herbert?"

"That's enough of that. You three go on and get washed up. And then you can set the table for supper."

The idea here is to let the characters tell the story instead of you, the omniscient narrator.

A few more thoughts and I'll conclude.

I noticed several spots where you changed tenses in the middle of a paragraph.

For example, when the boys are ready to eat lunch - 'The teens sat' (past tense) - 'Thomas's mother sent' (past tense), 'Buddy tilts' (present tense), and then you continue in the present tense.

Instead of telling us Thomas's mother sent ... Let the boys tell us.

The teens sit and pull out their lunches.

"Hey, look at this," Tom said. "My mother sent enough fried chicken for all of us."
"I've got a bucket of potato salad," Peter said.
Buddy's head sinks. "Um... sorry guys. All I have is bread, cheese and one lousy apple."

A note on dialogue. Until the last couple of sentences, every bit of dialogue has a tag and often narrative attached to it.

Concerning dialogue tags, you don't need them. A simple 'he said', 'she said' is often sufficient. Many of your tags are redundant. For example

"Hey! Everything okay?" He questions ... "What's up?" He queries.

When the reader sees the question mark, we know he questions and queries. You don't have to tell us to make sure we get it.

"I'm coming. I'm coming." The young girl replies.
In this case, the phrase 'I'm coming' is a reply, so again you don't have to tell us to make sure we get it.
You have already told us that Violet is a young girl, so you don't need that in the tag either.
You depersonalize her by saying young girl. If you feel you must use a tag here (which you don't), simply say, she said.
And thirdly, your punctuation is wrong. You need a comma before the closing quotes, not a period.

Look at this sentence - “I don’t know what good will come of this.” the young girl muttered as her thoughts came back to the day's events.

Here you have two sentences.
1. I don't know what good will come of this.
2. The young girl muttered as her thoughts came back to the day's events.

The period separates the two thoughts: the girl made a concrete statement and then she muttered under her breath.

When you use a comma, it combines the two phrases into one thought: she muttered her statement as she contemplated the day's events.

Well, I've probably confused you enough for one review. It may seem like I am nit picking and tearing apart your story, but that is not my intent. You have good writing fundamentals and have put together what will become an engaging story. I only offer suggestions as to how I might write the same story. At the end of the day it is yours and you are the only one who can tell it. Take what you want discard the rest. My only desire is to serve you on your way to becoming an even better writer.

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown
5
5
Review of Work in Progress  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (3.0)
Good afternoon L.A. Saxe

Saw this on the request review page, so here is my take on the story.

First impression is that you do have a good start to a longer story. Personally, I like the writing style as long as you confine it to prologues and introductions to chapters. It wouldn't work for an entire story though.

Let me explain. In this prologue, you, the narrator are the focus. You are accompanying us on our maiden voyage to this new planet, You are pointing out the scenery, animals and other pertinent information you want us to know.

As a reader, I don't want everything spoon-fed to me. Like a toddler feeding himself, I don't mind getting more mashed potatoes on my face than in my mouth. You do this with phrases like, you'll be pleased', 'See the fluffy clouds', 'look to your right'. You have a wizard in the distance hurrying away from us, yet you tell us what he is saying to himself. There is a 'splodge' that we are suppose to discern to be a dragon, a very well-fed dragon.

In this day and age you have a small window of opportunity to catch and hold a reader's attention. To do this you need a strong opening. In your opening sentence, you repeat the phrase 'much like our own'. The sentence ends with two adverbs: quite happily. So here are 4 adverbs (much, quite, happily) in the opening sentence. Adverbs are weak words that support other words.

'Somewhere' is also a weak word that has no specific location. Why not use an existing galaxy, maybe something like - "In the depths of the Black Eye Galaxy a mid-sized planet treks around it's sun, year after year."

You can follow it up with something like this to parallel our solar system - At first glance, it resembles Earth; but closer inspection reveals stark differences."

If this was a doctrinal dissertation I could understand the sentence "Stay with me on this." However, this is a short story so this phrase is screaming, "Listen to me, I'm going to tell you something you won't believe." Also, you don't want to put footnotes in a story; reserve them for research papers.

This is fiction, so you don't need to tells us something is possible. In fiction, all things are possible ... to a certain degree. Don't tell us it is reasonable for such a universe to exist, make it exist.

I like that you introduce possible conflict in the opening. You tell us a dragon exists on this planet. This tells me that I should expect to see him later on in the story and that he will be against the Wizzard. If it isn't to play a part in the story, then don't make such a big deal of him in the opening.

You raise the level of conflict with the introduction of a Wizard scurrying through the woods, concerned he's being followed.

At the end, you have a descriptive paragraph that introduces the wizard. You do a lot of telling in this section. A little revision can trim a lot of fat. For example, you write - Stars begin to punctuate the night sky with the rising of the moon, a nice full silvery moon. Listen closely: the faint cry of a werewolf carries on the breeze. Candles, campfires and lanterns are kindled across the land, highlighting the best tourist locations for a city break or an escape to the country.

Try shortening it - Stars punctuate the night sky with the rising of a full, silvery moon.Listen closely The faint cry of a werewolf carries on the breeze. Candles, campfires and lanterns kindled across the land highlight the best tourist attractions.

I believe the wizard will be a major character, so he should receive his own paragraph and not be sandwiched between environmental descriptions. Also, you introduce him in a long wordy sentence -

In the darkness, a dim light emanating from an orb atop a dented staff reveals a rather worried wizard, pointed hat and all, tramping along a beaten track between two forests, telling himself that it was just a fox, and there’s nothing to worry about, and he should stop being such a silly fart.

You use 11 words to describe his staff and then 4 words "pointed hat and all" to describe the rest of him. I like the use of strong words like 'emanating', orb' and 'dented'; but piled one after another is a little too strong.

You have a bit of a contradiction in the last two sentences. The 'orb of light bobs along in the distance and eventually slopes out of view. (Grammar note - you don't need to offset 'eventually' with commas.)

"Bobs" and "Eventually" evoke the idea of leisure; taking one's time. Not only that, but this action is taking place while we are taking time to appreciate fresh air. Yet the last sentence says - "This particular wizard is in a hurry."

I so think there is a good contrast here. We are standing still, taking time to appreciate fresh air while below us is a man on a mission. Instead of eventually sloping out of view, he could be a flash we see in our peripheral vision.

It may seem that I am overly critical of your story, but that is not my intention. You have a good, strong idea here and the beginning of a great story. My only aim is to help you make it that great story. Remember, it is your story and you are the only one who can tell it.

If you agree with my comments, use whatever helps. If you don't like it, pay it no mind. Just label me a malcontent and keep on writing. After all, I am only one person.

Thanks for the opportunity to share my thoughts with you.

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown
6
6
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good evening

Saw this on the request review page and decided to give it a go.

I enjoyed the story and can relate to it every morning when I head off to work. You have a good progression of thought that leads to a successful ending.

An important aspect of any story is the opening sentence. A strong sentence hooks the reader and makes them want to keep reading. You have a good thought with your opening, but you express it in a weak manner. One issue is the use of the word 'was - "It was time to return ..." Any form of the 'to be' verb is weak and leads to telling instead of showing.

I do like your use of strong words like, exchange, prospect, shackles, etc.

Could you try something a little stronger here? Perhaps something like - Two glorious days off, but now the drudgery of work beckoned.

I like that you have taken steps you don't necessarily like to get out of debt. This introduces us to the inner conflict you are facing. You then build it through the body of the story and bring it to a close at the ending.

Could you change this phrase - was more than enough of a reason - to "The prospect of freeing myself from the shackles of debt compelled me to drag my tired frame from bed, shower and drive to work.

I am confused a bit by this sentence - Not all of the kennels were filled with dogs of different sizes and breeds, but even the loudest wailing could be heard from the other side of the building if one listened intently.

Could you say - 'Most of the kennels were filled with dogs of different sizes and breeds.

I am assuming the thought is that not all kennels had a dog in them, but the ones that did were populated by many different breeds and sizes of dogs. Also, if the kennel was an echo chamber, why would one have to listen intently to hear the dogs.

Could you rewrite this sentence - I refused to let my ears be assaulted by the noise any longer, so I moved towards the kitchen, hoping for a bit of silence and peace.

Maybe change the order and eliminate the phrase be assaulted by, which is more telling than showing - "Refusing to let the noise assault my ears, I dashed to the kitchen in search of silence and peace.

With this sentence - I cleared a spot on the counter and sat my things down - should you say, 'set my things down'?

Here is another telling sentence - There was nothing important that needed to be addressed at the moment...

Perhaps, "With nothing pressing now, I inserted my ear buds, played some soft music and reminded myself why I wanted full time work.

As I said earlier, I do like this story. You have a strong grasp of the fundamentals of writing and employ strong words. By changing a few words to eliminate telling sections you can allow the reader to relate better to your plot line.

I think everyone would agree that breaks fly by while the working hours drag. It is amazing how knowing the day is almost over can provide added strength to finish the day. There is so much I can relate to here. Thanks for sharing this with us.

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown
7
7
Review of The Wallet  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good afternoon Tracker.

Saw this in the request review page today and decided to oblige even though the contest is over.

I found this to be a good story with a logical order and progression. It builds to a nice climax and a happy ending. You introduce the characters, describe the circumstances that brought them together and then get to the heart of the story. Good beginning, middle and ending.

I read a couple of your other stories to get a feel for your writing style. My first impression is that you tell a good story. One problem with telling a story is that you fall into a rut and your sentences begin to look alike. For example, in the first paragraph you write, "Victoria was", She was", "She anticipated", "Connection ... was strong", "She was", "Debbie was". In the first seven sentences you use the word 'was' six times.

(An aside - You should consider splitting the first paragraph as written and make it two instead. The place to begin a new paragraph is here - "She came out of her reverie...)
Back to telling.

One easy way to determine if you are telling the story is by an abundant use of the 'To be' verb (is, are, was, were, would, etc.) Could you try something like this?

Victoria, a rising star performer, created a marketing campaign that resulted in profits soaring above projected returns. Anticipation of a promotion to Senior Vice President and the lack of free time therewith compelled her to sneak away for one last hurrah with her best friend Debbie.

Not the best, but I hope you can see what I am saying.

(Note- you call Debbie her 'best friend forever'. Is it better to say 'best forever friend'?)

I understand what you mean when you describe their connection, but I feel you should have a transition phrase, something like, "When they were together, she was no up and coming..."

I have a problem with this sentence - "She came out of her reverie as her friend Debbie dallied in the gift shop before they walked across the street to The Palms restaurant."

Coming out of a reverie is a quick action while dallying is slow and methodic. These actions are connected by the word 'as'. She could fall into a reverie while her friend dallied which would be cut short by Debbie calling for her attention.

Should it be 'The Palms Restaurant'? It just looks funny written The Palms restaurant. Perhaps you could slip in a detail, something like 'across the street to The Palms, a restaurant known for Caribbean cuisine. Just a personal preference.

I am confused by the first sentence in the second paragraph which says she is leaving from Debbie's home. At the end of the first paragraph, they are at the restaurant saying good bye, but now she is leaving from Debbie's home.

In paragraph 3 you have two unrelated subjects with no transition. The second sentence is five words long with two adverbs. A weak sentence. You can convey the same emotion with something like, "Victoria reflected on the last four days, missing Debbie and wondering when or if they would see each other again.

Pledging and being accepted into the same sorority, their friendship was cemented. Would it be better to say, "Pledging and acceptance into the same sorority cemented their friendship." Could you provide transition with something like, "Debbie's love and promotion of Steven King led her to press play on his vintage book, "The Institute'.

Not very good, but you should have some kind of transition.

She clicked "Play" and heard the opening lines of "The Institute" Half an hour after Tim Jamieson’s Delta flight was scheduled to leave Tampa for the bright lights and tall buildings of New York, it was still parked at the gate.

It was wise to use italics for the opening line, but you should include some kind of punctuation to separate the title from the opening sentence.

Maybe rewrite it something like 'She clicked play and heard, "Half an hour after Tim Jamieson's Delta flight was scheduled to leave Tampa for the bright lights and tall buildings of New York, it was still parked at the gate...": the opening line of Stephen King's audio book, "The Institute". This leads nicely to Debbie's love of Stephen King.

I wish you had used more dialogue in the story. You can do away with a lot of telling with dialogue. For example, instead of saying, "That was no problem for Victoria. She had withdrawn five twenty-dollar bills from an ATM machine in case something like this would happen.", change it to dialogue.

(Side note - She talked with the trucker until her meal was served upon which he left. Immediately the waitress asks how her meal was, yet she didn't have time to taste it yet.)

You could begin to form a bond with the server here with a little bit of dialogue; something like

"He's a looker, that one," the server said as she handed Victoria the ticket. "By the way, how was your meal?"

"It was superb, and the company wasn't too bad either. Here's my card, do you take American Express?"

"Sorry hon, the machine's down, it's cash only today."

"That's OK, I withdrew cash from the ATM for this very reason... wait a minute, it's gone. Maybe it fell out in the car. Do you mind if I go out to check?"

Well, I could go on, but I've bored you enough. I do hope you don't get the wrong idea. I believe you have a strong grasp of writing basics and are a good writer. My goal in this review is to help you develop into a strong writer. Feel free to dismiss any or all of my suggestions as this is your story not mine. I simply share how I might write differently than you and who is to say that one is better than the other.

With your permission, I'd like to read any new stories you write and see how you are progressing as a writer.

Your friend and fellow writer
PennyInPocket
Jim Brown
8
8
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Good evening Zachary

Saw this in the request reviews and decided to oblige.

I enjoyed the story and read it through to the end. You spend much time on telling us details and descriptions.

You have established a strong conflict, Kael's emerging, uncontrolled power. I want to keep reading to discover how he learns to control it and what he can do with it.

I'd like to focus on dialogue for a moment in this review.


My first thought is that you use a tag with every sentence of dialogue, usually to tell us the emotion of the speaker.

The problem with this is that it interrupts the flow of the conversation.

For example, you write -
"Ready?" Jace asked, concern etched on his face.

"Let's do it," Kael replied, his tone resolute.

In this case, you tell us that Kael's tone is resolute. Two paragraphs earlier, you stated that he 'stood resolute'. Thus, his dialogue tag is redundant and not needed.

Another example -
"Kael," Jace whispered from across the room, holding up an intricate artifact for him to see. "Look at this."

Here you don't need to tell us that Jace is speaking because there are only 2 of them there and the recipient is Kael. Then, by telling us that he was holding up an intricate artifact you lessen the impact of the dialogue. So, you have mention of an artifact, short dialogue followed by a detailed description.

You don't need the dialogue tag. Also, you have Jace whispering across the room. Instead of using the tag, put it in the dialogue, something like - "Kael, come see what I discovered."

One more example. You write -

"Sorry," he muttered, examining the device more closely. "I just... can't control it sometimes."

Here he is apologizing while examining the device. This leads me to believe his apology isn't sincere as he is more interested in the object. In the next paragraph, Jace's words convey his sympathy and isn't needed.

See how it reads without the tags.

"Kale, come see what I discovered."
(Kael zaps Jace)
"Sorry, I just ... can't control it sometimes."
"I know, but we can't have you frying any of these artifacts; they're priceless."
"You're right of course. Why don't I ease it back on the table and examine it from a safe distance."

You do a good job introducing the story with strong descriptions. However, I sense a contradiction in the first two sentences. Undulating means smooth and gentle form or outline. Quite different from jagged teeth. Perhaps, you should introduce the ruins as standing in stark contrast to the undulating landscape.

Would it be better to say the ruins are hiding their secrets? This would introduce more conflict, as they don't want to reveal them.

I'd like to go into more detail with this review but it is getting late and I want to send this off tonight. If you like my style of review and would like more, let me know and I'll follow up with a detailed review.

Hope this helps you. You write a good story and I'd like to help you improve not only this story, but future stories as well.

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown
9
9
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good evening

Saw this on the request review page and decided to offer some suggestions

I enjoyed the story; found it amusing and interesting. I've only ridden a horse once, but I do enjoy cowboy and cowgirl stories.

You do a good job telling the story; and since this is Non-fiction a little more telling is acceptable.

First, Jet black should have a hyphen - Jet-black

dilemna should be dilemma

I noticed a lot of repetition in the story. The first two sentences introduce a horse, dress and a dream. the rest of the paragraph repeats it with you on the horse.

Also, you say I'd, I had and I had, followed by I was. All of these are telling phrases. Plus, you have 2 adverbs in the first paragraph - frequently and really.

I'd never really ridden a horse but I had read Black Beauty. I had seen horses in westerns. In my dreams, I was a heroine on a black horse in that white flowing dress.

Maybe something like this - I never road a horse , but reading Black Beauty and watching westerns fueled my fantasy of being the heroine astride a black horse in my flowing white dress, hurtling across the meadow.

Not the best, just trying to use your words to show the action instead of telling it.

The first horse I rode in real life was a jet black horse. Her name was Cookie.

I met my dream horse while spending the summer with my grandparents: sleek, jet-black, tall ( at least seventeen hands) and wide. Everything I imagined, until I discovered her girth was due to the foal expected any day. Still, fantasies die hard.

I wonder if you should add a transition sentence between the first paragraph and the rest of the story. Maybe something about fantasy and real life being opposites. The horse was jet-black, but that is where the similarity ended.

A good exercise for this story it to highlight every occurrence of the word 'was'; as in I was, she was, Lucky was, etc. Everyone of these phrases is telling. You can easily remove a number of them which will result in a smoother flow to the story.

Am example - We flew across the fields. It was oil country so Cookie and I had to navigate rod lines. We ducked under the high ones and jumped the low ones.

We flew across fields in the midst of oil country, so Cookie navigated the rod lines, ducking under high ones and jumping the low.

I counted the exclamation marks which total 22. Exclamation marks, as well as adverbs demonstrate weak writing: they tell the reader what you want them to know. A better method is to use strong words.

I was riding a jet black horse! Bareback! No reins! In real life! Not just in my dreams!

Reality surpassed fantasy. I sat astride my black horse, without the white dress, but bareback, no reins and the wind whistling through my hair.

DO NOT MIX! Here you mix an exclamation mark with all caps. I understand the reasoning behind it, as I have done the same thing myself, but again, it is weak writing.

I noticed several instances where you left out a needed comma. Most occur in sentences with the word 'but'. For example - I'd never really ridden a horse but I had read

Here you have two separate thoughts that need to be separated like this - I'd never really ridden a horse, but I had read...

Another example - I started to walk around Lucky but I didn't make it. Should be - I started to walk around Lucky, but I didn't make it.

I tend to be dense and miss things. With that in mind, I don't understand your last sentence - Ah yes . . . I was a horsewoman in my dreams!


I like that you come full circle and tie the ending to the opening paragraph. You relate several riding experiences, one done solo. Sure you made mistakes, but you rode a horse. You actually call yourself a cowgirl in the story. Perhaps you could strengthen the sentence by saying something like - Ay, yes ... I was a horsewoman in my dreams, but now I'm one in real life.

Or, maybe I just missed the thought behind the last sentence and you should leave it as is or add a finishing touch like - I was a horsewoman in my dreams, but someday I'll be one in real life.

Just a few thoughts on a good tale. My only desire is to see you make a good story, great. You have a good flow and thought pattern, but can tighten it up with strong wording. I only (adverb) had permission to visit Cookie but I coaxed her over to the fence and climbed up on her back. My dream came to life!

Coaxed is a good, strong word. Can you make the sentence stronger? Maybe - My permission limited me to visiting Cookie, but no one was around, so I coaxed her to the fence and climbed on her back, bringing my dream to life.

Well, it's getting late, so I'll close here. Have a great day and keep on writing.

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Good evening

Found this in the auto-reward section, decided to take a look and discovered an interesting introduction to a novel. You introduce an intriguing discovery of a single doorway. I like the idea of a reporter describing the events for the camera. This is a great method of telling us information by means of showing.

One of the first things I look at is the opening sentence. I've discovered the majority of first sentences include the weak 'to be' verb - was. It pleased me to see it didn't appear here.

Another thing I look for is the appearance of adverbs; and I found one - 'very'. The reason I look for these two items is that their appearance weakens the sentence. The opening sentence needs to reach out and grab the reader; this requires strong writing.

When they found the doorway This introduces a possible mystery, but in a vague manner. The emphasis here is on 'they' not the doorway. The question that comes to mind is, "who are 'they'"?

The second phrase builds on this - it made the news that very day. . The thing that made news was that 'they' found a doorway. It isn't until the second sentence that the focus settles on the doorway - It appeared one morning

Maybe you could focus on the door, something like this?

A doorway appeared on Herr Grundmann's lawn one morning amidst a severe thunder storm.

Instead of telling us where he lives, let the reporter do it. She already gives a general description, let her give the exact location. This also changes a telling section into a showing section.

there is a doorway behind me and it is missing a house

Could you tighten it up like this - There is a doorway behind me that is missing a house.

The coat of arms on the doorway is actually quite familiar

In this sentence you have two adverbs back to back. Also, it is generic; it is familiar to 'the people' in 'the area'. Can you make it more personal?

"You should recognize the coat of arms on the door, it belongs to Count Ramstein ...

Indeed, I am told by local experts, the stone used is not local.

Here you repeat the word 'local'. This isn't bad in and of itself, but if you do it on a regular basis, your reader will notice and it can bring them out of the story.

Can you make it somethin like 'I am told by experts that the stone encasing the doorway is not indigenous to our area.'

She was a widow with a son and he (who) took her (maiden) name.

This sentence confused me at first. I had to read it several times to understand it. I assume when her husband died, she joined the colony, built the house and went back to her maiden name, and her son followed in her steps.

big old house in West Virginia...joined the Virginia colony...destroyed this house in Virginia...went through the ruins in Virginia

You don't need to keep repeating the house was in Virginia.

they discovered the front door was missing. Yet here the door is 4000 miles away in Germany.

Would it be better to say the firemen 'reported' the door missing. My thinking is that they could discover something without making a big deal of it. If they report it, the information would be available to journalists in Germany. You hint that there is a mystery here by a simple statement. Can you make it a question instead of a statement?

Maybe - The firemen reported the door missing. So how does that same door end up here in Germany 4000 miles away?

This would then lead into the introduction of the police chief.

"We have the local Police Chief with us now and he who has indicated he is prepared to comment on the crime scene."

Initially, there was no crime scene. Would it be better to call it a 'situation' and then let the Police Chief change it to a crime scene? This would let his statement 'raise the stakes', as it were.

The camera turned to focused on an elderly, greying man with a tanned face, dressed in a police chief's uniform. He was about 6 foot tall with a strong and confident posture worn by the years (of experience). and he spoke into the microphone offered him by the reporter.

You don't have to tell us he spoke into the microphone, because we know that when he starts talking.

A note on time. You write 7:30 am and 8:00 am, which is standard, civilian time. Then you switch to military time - 14:00 to 16:30. You should be consistent and stick to one.

I don't know how the story is going to unfold, but the house burns down a week ago while the door shows up today. Would it enhance the mystery to have both events happen within hours of each other? A week could plausibly allow someone to dismantle the door, transport it and set it up in Germany. But, that could be part of the plot so this suggestion may not be needed.

"Could whoever have placed this here have flown it in?"

Can you tighten it to - "Could it have been flown in?"

But then turning to Herr Grundmann who had curiosity and consternation written all over his face he continued.

Instead of telling us Grundmann's state, why not let the Police Chief do it for us. (By the way, you can make the story more personal by giving him a name and having the reporter tell us his name)

"Any answer I gave about that would be pure speculation. But to answer your curiosity folks and calm your fears Herr Grundmann, the working theory now..."

but from your own viewing of the lawn (investigation) have you been able to find

Frau Schmidt turned back to face the camera directly. With the door placed just over her shoulder in the view of the camera, she continued her report.

This section is wordy. Can you smooth it out with something like - The camera panned back to Frau Schmidt, framing the doorway over her shoulder.

Then you go directly to to her closing comments

"So the mystery remains.

This is the beginning of the story with the introduction of the mystery. Would it be better to have her lay it out - "So here is the mystery. How does a doorway from a burned out building in the USA appear in the land of the infamous Ramstein's?"

Just a few thoughts on a good story. I would like to read succeeding chapters to see what happens.

Hope you don't think I'm blasting you while finding fault with your writing. My intent is only to help you take a good story and make it better. Use what you want, discard the rest because this is your story, not mine.

Have a great day and Keep on Writing

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Paperwork  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good evening. As a fellow member of the self-publishing workshop group, I wish to welcome you and introduce you to my reviewing style. I stopped by your portfolio and decided on this gem.

I must warn you that I tend to be blunt with my reviews. If you are looking to publish a book, kind, soft, wishy washy reviews won't help. I never want you to feel that I am putting you down or implying that you can't write. My goal is to help lift above the thousands of other writers out there and make your stories stand out and say Read ME. If I thought you weren't any good, I wouldn't spend so much time on my review.

You have a good, humorous story that addresses a common problem: paperwork. And I thought computers were supposed to eliminate all that paperwork.

You set the scene with a tremendous thunder storm, however, it is on the weak side -It was a stormy afternoon. You follow up with words designed to tell us how stormy it was. The problem with the opening phrase - it was a stormy afternoon - is that it is weak. The verb - was - just sits there, not doing much. Do you think you could spice it up with an opening like this -

Dark clouds shrouded the sky, thunder rolled, lightning lit the heavens as a deluge slammed the Hospice office.

You continue the second paragraph in the same manner - Everyone was quiet in the office.

Maybe you could follow up with something like this - Thick, brick walls deadened the roar of the thunder, creating a false peace for the disturbed team members.

About half way through the story you mention how dark it is even though it is early afternoon. Could you introduce that idea here in the opening?

Darkness descended on them, sending each one deep into their own private world.

When you introduce the scream, you use an adverb - suddenly. Like the verb - was - adverbs are weak and don't do a good job of showing us the action: they simply tell it.

Maybe something like - A scream pierced the silence: loud, eerie, wailing. Horrified, each member searched the room trying to locate the source.

Not the best, but I hope you get the idea.

Be careful of repeating words and phrases. In four short paragraphs, you repeat some form of 'scream' six times: two are almost identical. Another word that appears too often is 'seem' and its variations. Again, this is a weak, telling word.

"What was that?" asked the Team looking around at each other to see who had screamed.

Some thought on this sentence:
You have a question mark, so do you need the tag 'asked the Team? The tag is redundant.

Also, you have a myriad of people saying the same thing in unison. This may happen during a responsive reading at a church service, but not with a group of distraught people.

Would a better question be "Who screamed"?

Later on you have the group responding as one to the charts. Again, they all won't say the exact same thing. Would it be better to have a single person reply and the rest agree with that person?

Here is a sentence that made me pause and reread it - You could hear a pin drop, but what they heard was moaning...

If it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop, how could they hear moaning?

They checked all the offices, the office manage - You should use a colon after the phrase 'all the offices' because you are starting a list of rooms. Without the colon, I wasn't expecting a list, so I had to stop and reread the sentence.

Story writers need to create word pictures that let the reader see the action in their mind. Huddle is a good, strong picture word. It is easy to picture a group of people clustered around each other. This is how you used it - In a huddle, they went into this room.

The difficulty here is how do you get a group of terrified people through a narrow doorway in a huddle? Would it be better to say they formed a huddle after squeezing through the narrow opening? Just a thought.

Another random thought. How about this sentence - Everyone in the group was getting more and more frightened and the clerical staff was no-where in sight!

You have two sentences, two complete, but different ideas in one sentence connected by the word 'and'.
First sentence - Everyone in the group was getting more and more frightened
Second sentence - the clerical staff was no-where in sight!

I understand you are introducing the idea that the clerical staff is instigating this prank, but it has nothing to do with the first part. It would make sense if the group was afraid the clerical staff had been abducted or something like that which would increase their fear, but I don't see that.

You can leave off the phrase 'in the group' and simply say 'everyone was getting'. But now we are back to the beginning with a weak phrase 'was getting' followed by another weak phrase 'more and more'.

'More and more frightened' would be stronger as a single word like, terrified, horrified, petrified, etc.

To produce an exclamation point, you have to push shift and then the number 1. I believe that is appropriate because you should only use an exclamation point once in a story, if that often. An exclamation point is put there by the author to let the reader know this is extremely important! If you want to rise above, you need to write strong sentences that don't require an exclamation point. If you use it too often, you stand a good chance of loosing your reader.

A closing thought on your closing sentences - What is the moral of this story you may ask? Finish you paperwork completely and on time so the charts can be at rest!


As soon as you say, 'what is the moral of this story' you are admitting that you didn't tell it good enough for the reader to discover it on their own. They shouldn't have to ask.

Again, you end the story with an exclamation point. A weak ending to a good story.

What I want to focus on is your last sentence. This is a great sentence, not because of the wording or that it is so powerful or grammatically correct (it should be 'your paperwork, not 'you paperwork'). It is great because it tells the premise of the story in concise wording. Now you can take this sentence and use it as ruler to see if every part of the story measures up to it.

For example, did you do a good job in showing how important completing paperwork is throughout the story. The idea doesn't appear until about the halfway point. Then we discover that it is a practical joke played on the group.

Would it strengthen the idea if you insert it at the beginning? Maybe a rainy day is a good day to finish that dreaded paperwork? Instead of simply slipping into their own world because of the storm, could it be boredom from endless forms that sends them there?

Instead of a generic scream, have it say something. You don't have to give it away, hint at what you are stressing. Maybe something like 'How long, how long are you going to make us wait..." Something that teases the reader and makes them want to keep reading to find out what the voices want.

How about a twist at the end. One person survives: the one who always got the paperwork completed on time, every time.

Maybe something like this - The case is still open to this day, it seems to be one of the unsolvable mysteries of our time. Except for Emily who was heard to say, "Finish you(r) paperwork, completely and on time, every time so the charts can be at rest in peace and leave you alone.

Thank you for posting this story. I look forward to reading future posts in this group. I hope my thoughts are an encouragement to you. Always remember, this is your story. You are the only one who can tell it your way. Use what you can, discard the rest, but keep it your story.

Have a great day, and keep on writing

PennyInPocket
Jim Brown


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Good evening Richard

I am part of the self-publishing forum and am reading stories from each member so I can introduce myself and my reviewing style. Looking at the portfolios, I find myself overwhelmed and feeling like the amateur I am. My portfolio is sparse, but I believe my reviews are helpful.

I enjoy the way you kept me wondering what was going to happen in the end. Also, technology makes a good plot for a story.

My first thought was that you began the story with an adverb - ordinarily. I believe adverbs don't deserve the bad reputation they have gotten over the years, but adverbs are weak. Your first sentence needs to reach out, grab the readers and demand they keep reading. The second sentence also begins with an adverb - luckily.

Ordinarily he would never have rolled out on a case like this, a cut and dry attempted robbery with assault, with the perp in custody. Luckily, the attempt had ended happy instead of in a tragedy.

You can eliminate the phrase 'a case like this' without changing the impact of the sentence.

What do you think about an opening like this - "Attempted assault and robbery, perp in custody, no injuries; happy ending, case closed. I should rejoice, but I can't, not with these nagging doubts."

Not the best. I'm trying to demonstrate a stronger opening. Everyone is happy the case is closed, except the detective. Now you can introduce conflict between the detective and the victims. The more he questions them, the more they stand up and defend 'gigi'

I like how she interrupts the detective by telling him her name. He continues to call her ma'am throughout the questioning, establish his character as 'old fashioned. I wonder if you could increase the conflict by having her interrupting him again with her name later on in the conversation... "I told you to call me Emily." "Yes ma'am, now, as I was saying..."

In this sentence - "We have," answered Greg, still shocked by the slash the thugs attack had left in his overcoat. The word should be 'thug's' attack. Thugs is plural, but there was only one thug. The apostrophe links the thug with the attack, establishing possession.

Another observation is I believe you can do a better job with your dialogue tags.

Trying to cover his real interest in the case, "So Ma'am ..."

She interrupted, "Emily."

The tag 'She interrupted' tells us what is happening. What do you think about something like this:

"So, Ma'am -"

"Emily."

"Excuse me?"

"My name is Emily. Don't call me ma'am."

"Okay, ma'am, as I was saying..."

Instead of telling us she is going to interrupt him, just have her do it. Also, I added a comma -'So, ma'am.' because readers understand that a comma indicates a pause between the words.

Hopefully I've demonstrated that you can express the same thoughts without overusing dialogue tags. A very important foundation for any story is to show the action, not simply tell it. Dialogue tags should enhance the conversation, not describe the emotions and actions of the speakers.

One more example and I'll close.

"Yes," a brief flash of anger clouded Emily's eyes, "I hate this alley, I always have!"

Can you show us her anger instead of telling us about it. Perhaps - "I've told him a thousand times that I hate this alley, but did that stop Him? No, he had to take it and see what happened: I almost got killed."

My thought is to convey her anger with her words while leaving the impression that the conversation wasn't over between them.

One more thing, and I'm done: really, I mean it this time. Instead of using bold type 'BUT' and all caps "an empathetic NO" use strong words to show the action. Those techniques demonstrate weak writing and will be a red flag for publishers.

Well, just some humble thoughts on a great story. I look forward to reading more of you works in the days ahead.

Jim Brown
PennyInPocket


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I book marked this article so I can have easy access to it. I appreciate that I have many of the same thoughts when I do a review. I like the outline of items you look at when doing a review. Often, I get focused on one or two items that need correction and forget there are more things to look at.

I especially like this section as I relate well to it - Reviewing other member's work and helping them is a privilege and an honor. In a way, it tends to be self-serving. I end up learning so much during the process, and am surrounded by some of the most brilliant authors. - Well said.

Another point I like to emphasize in my reviews - In some cases, maybe the reviewer didn't get the right impression for some reason. If so, take what works and leave the rest. Only you know how you want your story to read.

I've been away from writing.com and reviewing for a while, but am excited to get back into it. I'm even getting a desire to write again; it's been a long time.

Thanks again for your encouragement

Penny In Pocket - Jim Brown
14
14
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
In the first paragraph, you say 'pull' present tense, instead of 'pulled', past tense. I feel that verb tense is a minor focus. A better focus would be to address showing vs telling and your dialogue. A dialogue example -“What are you two fighting about now?” Shya asked. In this case you have a highly charged emotional situation and she simply 'asks' what is going on. You can leave off the dialogue tag. If you want it, make her demand an answer. Then you write - Kackim and Viloni looked around Shya still in anger. But it was Kackim who spoke first. 'Still in anger' is telling us instead of showing and is ambiguous as it can be applied to Shya or both Kackim and Viloni. Instead of a period and a new sentence beginning with 'but', you should at least have a semi-colon. Better yet, forget the explanation and jump in with dialogue - "I spent hours collecting the stuff and Viloni stole it from me because she's to lazy to get it herself." "That's not true, I just refuse to be the Octon's slave."... from there, Shya explains why they are collecting. Then she pushes or shoves them back to work instead of 'releasing' them. Instead of saying - the amount that we need (5 words) you can say - our quota (2 words).
This is just a quick review to challenge you to better writing. I can give a more detailed review of your entire story if you like. PennyInPocket
15
15
Review of The Creek  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a great story here. I found it on the request review page and thought I'd take a look. I've been away from the site for a while because of a sore back, but I returned just in time to discover this gem.

I am fairly new to writing, but I've learned much from this sits. Reviewing has become a favorite pasttime for me. I don't do a lot of reviews, but the ones I give are detailed and lengthy.

I like your opening sentence. It has a hook that draws the reader into the story.

A couple of suggestions:

1) you can omit the word "all" and simply say, "Victoria sat alone on the park swing..."

2) I wonder if you could strengthen your first sentence by including her tears in it. I thought something like,

Victoria sat alone on the canvas park swing, watching the other children laughing and playing as a single tear trickled down her cheek.

Another idea is to give a little more description, as in

Victoria sat alone on the canvas park swing, clutching the metal chains as she watched her friends laughing and playing as if she didn't exist.

You only have a few seconds to grab the reader's attention so you need the most powerful opening you can get.

You have the three major parts needed for a short story (-:


You do a good job of introducing the main character and showing us the beginning of the conflict she will be facing in the first part.

In the middle of the story, you build the conflict in a somewhat orderly and understandable manner. I have a question though that I will address later on in the review.

Then in the conclusion, you resolve the conflict by giving it a twist.

Good Job!(-:

Now, back to paragraph 1

A matter of personal opinion I think. For me, I would use a different word than "jerked" when she jumps off the swing. I would use something like "jumped". I think that for me, jerked seems awkward and pulls me out of the story for a minute.
Just a thought.

I am confused a bit about the third paragraph. I assume that this is a flashback where she is remembering the past. I assume it is a flashback, because her mother and father can see and hear her and she can eat.

You use good showing when you have her kick the pebble in the path. By combining that phrase with "and struggling to remember," you are telling the story instead of showing.

Perhaps, "She kicked every pebble she came across, as she wandered down the path trying desperately to remember that elusive thought in the back of her mind."

Then to merge into the flashback, you should include something like, "A picture slowly came into focus in her mind; a picture of her and her puppy Ranger."

When you are describing her last evening, you can use more showing.

For example, "The picture took on new form as she heard her mother calling her in for supper. A smile cracked her frustrated demenor as she saw the juciey hambberger and the steaming maccaroni and cheese, followed by her favoirte dessert: vanilla ice cream."

Again, this is just a suggestion. This is your story and needs to be written in your own style.

But, the more showing you do, the more you will hook your reader and keep them in the story.

An example - Instead of telling us she heard something behind her, show us what she heard, as in

"A twig snapped behind her, causing her to scream in terror as she spun around to defend herself from an unseen preditor."

Another example - You write, "A few minutes later, the doe wandered deeper into the thicket and Victoria continued on." This tells us that the doe left. Why not show us?

"Victoria stood as still as a statue, afraid she'd spook the beautiful animal before her. Slowly she began inching toward the deer, with her hand outstretched, hoping to get close enough to touch her. Something must have startled her though, because she turned and bounded away. Victoria shrugged her shoulders and began walking down the sidewalk toward home."

You do a good job of showing in the next paragraph where you record her thoughts about going down to the cellar. A note, you should italicise her thoughts as you did earlier to let the reader know for sure she is thinking the words. This includes her mother's thoughts at the end.

Well, it's getting late so I'll wrap this up for now. I hope my feeble offerings are a help and encouragement to you. You have a great story here and tell it well. Mix in a little more showing and you will make it even better.

Above all, remember that this is your story, so use what you want and discard what you don't agree with. I simply offer suggestions as to how I might write the story.

Have a great day and thank you for sharing your story with us here on the site.

And remember: Keep On Wtiting

PennyInPocket
16
16
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to writing.com, a marvelous place to learn and grow as a writer. I haven't been here long, and have been away for the last week, but I truly love this site. One of my favorite things to do is review short stories.

I have been told that I have an eye for detail, and that seems to be evident in my reviews, which tend to be detailed and lengthy, often being longer than the actual story.

You have done a fantastic job with this story. You found a delightful way to weave the three keywords into a story that kept my attention all the way to the end.

You have a good, strong opening that draws the reader into the story and present the main character as a totally believable person. You present a common conflict and build it convincingly in the middle portion. The ending is great, as the reader is thinking she will receive bad news instead of good.

I hope that you give this delight a great title when the contest is completed, or sooner if the rules allow. As you know, a strong title is necessary to get someone to read your story. Too often, writers put all kinds of effort into a story and then throw a hum drum title on top. The title has to have a strong hook to it.

As I said, you have a good opening. A strong opening is as important as the title. When your title catches someone's eye, your first paragraph needs to set the hook.

You have an interesting similie in your second sentence about the cat. The only problem is, I don't generally liken the shrill ring of an alarm clock with the soft padding of a tiptoeing cat. I would think more along the lines of a roaring lion.
(I do like the idea of a stupid alarm clock, it hits close to home.)

I wonder about the word pounced as in "pounced out of bed." My reason is, to me pounced is a word the implies landing on instead of getting out of bed. A cat "pounces" on its prey.

One last thought on the opening paragraph, I'm not sure you painted a bleak enough picture to warrent the comment on "gloom and doom and bad luck". Waking up late and kicking the cat tend to be normal for my house.

A writing exercise I have learned the last few days is to write without using any form of the verb "to be" (is, was, were,etc.)

An example, instead of writng, "I was late again", try, "Darn, late again."

This is the short version of the exercise. A longer example I read is:

Instead of "The car is hot"

Try, "The interior of the chevy burned like a furnace."

The article suggested going through your story with an eye for "to be" verbs to see if you can make the story stronger.

An example from your story.
"I entered the room where my boss and co-workers were seated."

Maybe, "I entered the room to see my co-workers seated, their backs to me, as they faced the CEO."

This sentence says the same thing, but also lets the reader get a better idea of the lay of the room. (showing vs. telling).

In paragraph four, I wonder if you should use a different word than "entered". The reason is, when I originally read the story, I thought she was entering the parking lot of her apartment building to get her car. Perhaps, "pulled into", "drove into" or something along that line.

Maybe instead of linking the two phrases in the second sentence with "and" you could use a stronger word, like "Parking spaces are limited, forcing me to park in the back forty."

You could also restate the idea of her being late, as in "Parking spaces are limited, and my being late again, forced me to park in the back forty."



I loved the line about hating the umbrella, as they are so sissy looking. *Smile*

The last sentence of the fourth paragraph is descriptive, but I wonder if it could be worded better. By saying "... with a broken umbrella, wet clothes and looking somewhat like a drowned rat." it makes me think she is holding the wet clothes instead of wearing them. I think that is because you hold an umbrella, so the next phrase should be similar.

Perhaps if you rearrange it like this - "There I stood in front of the security guard, drencehd from head to toe with a broken umbrella in my hand, looking like a drowned rat."

In your last paragraph, you can make your first sentence stronger. Instead of linking all the phrases with "and", try, "ready for a glass of wine and a hot bath, feeling especially proud of myself." This puts extra emphasis on her pride, contrasting it better with her unmatched shoes.

Also, you repeat the word "grabbed" twice in one sentence (her housecoat and glass of wine).

The last sentence is great, but it seems a bit wordy. I believe you can drop the "had been" and make the shoes possessive. Maybe - I wonder what the day would have been like had the sun been shining and my shoes matching!"

You have a great story here and I hope you do well in the contest. You have a good chance, and with a few subtle changes, you can make your chances even better.

I hope my feeble utterances prove to be a help. Feel free to use any, all or none. This is your story and only you determine what is written. I simply offer suggestions as to how I might write the story.

I am so glad you have joined our community and posted your story. I hope you have a long stay here and grow to enjoy the site as much, or even more than I do.

Have a great day

PennyInPocket
17
17
Review of Mock Epic  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Welcome to Writing.com. I haven't been here long myself, but I have certainly enjoyed my stay. I noticed your story in the "Review a Newbie" page and decided to take a look.

One of the neat things about this site is there are so many writers who want to help each other. One of my favorite things about the site is reviewing. Sometimes it seems like I would rather review than write.

You will find that reviewers are concerned with encouraging and helping writers. It is never our intention to put down or discourage.

As a newbie, I offer you the same advice I received with my first story. separating paragraphs with a space (like this review) makes it a lot easier for the person reading your story*Smile*


As a grammar note, you should begin a new paragraph anytime a new character speaks. Instead of one run on paragraph, your reader can easily see who is talking. Even with a story this short (349 words) I had to reread sections to make sure I knew who was talking.

If that happens too often, you will lose the reader's intrest and he will look for another story. You don't want that to happen. With so many stories, articles, poems, etc. on the site, you want to be sure you captivate your reader and don't lose him or her.*Frown*

You have the three necessary parts of the story, a beginning, middle and ending.*Bigsmile*

*Check1* Beginning - Man walks to edge of earth and finds a dilemma.

*Check2* Middle - Man discusses dilemma with stranger

*Check3* Ending - Man comes to conclusion and both characters leave.


You have an interesting first sentence that piques the reader's interest. We know this is going to be a bit different as we all know the world is round.

Your sentence is good, but you can make it stronger and thus more appealing. Instead of him walking to the edge of the earth, you can have him all ready standing at the edge.

My reasoning is, a person can believe the world is square, even in this day and age; so I can picture that person stumbling along, looking for something he never will find. If, however, he is standing at the edge, maybe with his toes hanging over the abyss, you have my attention.

You need to be careful of repeated words and phrases. This is something that was revealed to me early in my writing, so I am always on the lookout for it.

If you read your first three sentences (This is where paragraphs are a big help for a reviewer) you will discover three sets of repeated words or phrases

1) Edge
2) Stare (Staring) Off
3) Shattered

When you repeat yourself like that, the reader's mind will unconsciously start looking for more which takes him out of your story. Again, that is not good. *Frown*

I encourage you to read through the story and look for those repetitions. (Hint- a lot show up in your dialogue tags)

My purpose isn't to rewrite your story or show you every occurance of something. I desire to help you understand basic writing rules so you can edit your own story. Unfortunately, the hardest thing a writer can do is edit his or her own story. That is why this site is such a blessing.*Cool*

note - you will notice that I repeat myself often in this review. It is so easy to do and requires rereading and editing to erase.

Spell Check Miss - The man says, "yet now I am standing her, wrong". I beleive you mean "here". A word processor spell checker will not pick up this type of error.

Toward the end of the story, you say "its not like we were ever really..." It should be "it's not like we were ever really..."

"It's" means "IT IS". That is the only time you use the apostrophe with "its" This is an easy mistake to make, but once you understand this concept, you will seldom make the mistake.

I like your use of dialogue in the story. I find that for me, dialogue has a way of capturing and holding my attention.

A suggestion - instead of saying "a man" or "a newcomer", why not give them names? A reader will relate much better to a name than a title. Sometimes, the author will use this means of discribing a character to disguise the identy of the character until a pivotal time in the story. Such is not the case here, or so it seems to me.

Take note in your dialogue. Twice, you have "the man" running on and on with a single sentence. People can talk in strange ways, but we, as authors, must be sure the reader doesn't get lost in the middle. You can break up the long, long sentence by making it two or three.

I am having problems understanding the ending. (That isn't too strange as I can be quite dense).

One problem is, you have a man walking to the end of the earth, and a man talking with the newcomer, yet in the end, he is only eight years old. For me, that is a child, not a man. I think I understand your desire. I am assuming you want to surprise us with the ending.

This is something I love to do with my stories. I love to add that unexpected twist at the end. However, with this story, you mislead the reader who may take offense. As with the first sentence, the last one is extremely important as well.

If this was to be the only story you would ever write, it wouldn't be a big problem. But, if you want people to keep reading your stories, you need a strong hook at the end that will make them want to read more of your work.

Another thing is, you have the man (boy?) heading off to the city. There is no mention of a city in the story. My vision of the edge of the earth is of a barren, unpopulated region. The city is not a problem, but with it coming out of the blue, it threw me a bit.

I love your last sentence. *Smile* This twist came out of thin air, but I can easily picture the newcomer doing just that. It is a great way to end this delightful story.

As you have realized by now, this review is longer than your story. I tend to do that a lot. I would not put this much time and effort into a review if I thought the story wasn't any good. On the contrary, it is because I do like the story, I am willing to invest my time and energy.

You have a great story that can be even greater with a bit of tweaking. Again, welcome to the site and thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you post many more in your portfolio. You say this is your favorite one, so you must have more to share.

Have a great day, and Keep on Writing

PennyInPocket - a member of the Angel Army
18
18
Review of Why me  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to Writing.com. It is a joy to have new writers on the site. I haven't been here long, but I have come to enjoy the site very much. I hope you have taken some time to browse around the site. There is so much here, it is unbelievable. I still have much to learn.

One of the great things about the site is the opportunity to review one another's works. Each review is an encouragement to keep on writing, never a discuragement. There are great published authors as well as newbies who are just beginning. Yet, each one of us is a reader and thus qualified to review.

I personally don't put a lot of emphasis on the rating number. It is difficult to put a number on someone's story. I spend the bulk of my effort on reviewing the story, expressing my likes as well as offering suggestions.

I tend to focus on the technical aspects of the story, such as spelling, grammmar and composition. Often, my reviews are longer than the story. I would not put so much effort in reviewing a story if I thought it was no good.

I truly enjoyed this story from beginning to end. It is easy for me to get bogged down in the middle of a story and skip to the end. I read every paragraph of your story.

A quick note about posting, the same one I received with my first post. It makes reading a lot easier if you put spaces between paragraphs, even if it is just one line of dialogue. I've discovered that indents from word processors do not translate when posted.


You say in your introduction that this is a story you are writing. Then you headline it as Chapter one. This is important as the story leaves a lot of questions unanswered at the end. This is a good thing if you are going to continue the story, as it keeps the reader hooked.

If, on the other hand, this is the sum total, you would need to answer those questions.

Another side note. I noticed you haven't filled in your bio yet. It isn't necessary to do that, but it can help the person reviewing your stories.

Opening Sentence - In order to capture the reader's interest, you need a strong opening sentence. Your story has a good hook for an opening, but I think you can make it stronger. By beginning the sentence with the word as, you soften the sentence. You can drop the as without changing the sentence, making it something like - Louisa glided down the aisle wondering how she wound up in this situation.

had got herself- is not the best english and reads awkward. This can allow the reader to pop out of the story and lose intrest quickly if it happens too much.

I am learning a lot about writing. Presently I am studying Point Of View
POV basically is who is telling the story. You have Louisa telling the story and do a good job of telling it through her eyes.

There are a couple of occasions where you jump POV momentarily to someone else. I guess the reason I noticed it is because it is something that I am working hard to correct myself. A review of one of my recent posts pointed out a change in POV that I missed.

You pop out for just a moment when you describe the thoughts of the freckle faced boy in How lucky he was today! Extra money for this as well!
She would have no way of knowing what the boy was thinking. You can easily fix it by saying that she thought that was what he was thinking when she saw his evil smile. Then, his statement would confirm her thoughts about him.

Again, you say that Rupert took her watering eyes as a sign of grief. She wouldn't be able to know this about him, or that he hated any sadness, as he was an optimistic boy.

This may not seem like much, but it will make a difference with an alert reader.

The other occurance is where you describe what the officer knew about her brother. You can fix this by having the officer tell her he knows her brother is a trouble maker, so she must be one too. This would add to the impact of the questioning, giving her more reason to come to the conclusion she did.

During her questioning, you say, At the station, Louisa was being questioned.
This is written in what is called passive voice This is very easy to write, but is extreemly weak in a story. This sentence tells us that she is being questioned, but we don't know who is questioning her. We naturally assume a police officer is doing the questioning, but don't know for sure. We don't find out for sure until several sentences later.

A quick fix is to say "At the station, a huge hulk of an officer was grilling Louisa unmercifully." Something like that would contrast nicely with her innocent expresion.

Passive sentences crop up in the most unexpected places. If it weren't for the grammar check on my word processor, my writing would be full of them. I cringe every time I see that squiggly green line under the sentence.

The way to spot passive sentences is by determining what the subject of the verb is. Another example -
Louisa found herself being handcuffed.
In this sentence, we don't know who is doing the handcuffing. The verb handcuffing needs to be linked to the one doing the action. The only one mentioned in the sentence is Louisa, and she is the receipant of the action.

This is a difficult idea to learn and I probably am causing more confusion than anything else. A quick internet search will turn up many free articles on passive voice. You can also find many here on writing.com.

Another hint that I have received numerous times is to read through the story and eliminate unnecessary words. For example -
"...had convinced her into going along with another one of his risky plans. which were very risky.

another - "Louisa awoke up abruptly..."

You should go search the story for more occasions like this. You will be amazed at how many words you can delete without changing the story at all. You need description in the story, but too much will lose the reader.

You say at the end you are open to suggestions concerning the title. Like the opening sentence, the title needs to hook the reader and make them want to read the story. I am sure many great stories don't get read because of an ordinary title. Think about how you decide what story to read.

You give a good clue to an effective title in the last paragraph where you say "She was such a wimp". This one sentence does much to describe her actions throughout the story. Sure, she ran away from the ceremony, but that was because of her brother's strength, not her own. So, you have the following summation - She is a wimp and she is in jail.

So, how about a title that takes this into account. Maybe something like "Jailed for Being a Wimp"

This would arouse curiosity in the reader, which would be strengthened with her walking down the isle of the church to be married. How does she end up in jail? would be the question on the reader's mind, causing them to read further.

A few thoughts on a good story. I hope I have been a help, as that is my intention. My greatest fear in giving a detailed review is that I will discourage an up and coming writer. That is NEVER my intention. I am learning this craft of writing myself and need all the encouragement I can get. Detailed reviews are a blessing, even if I don't agree with everything the reviewer says.

This is your story and needs to be written in your style, not mine. I can only offer suggestions as to how I might write the story. Use whatever is helpful, discard the rest and keep it your story.

Another hint I received early on here. If you receive many good reviews and one negative one, don't be overly concerned about the negative one. Read it carefully, with as open a mind as possible. If you don't agree with it, don't worry about it.

On the other hand, if you really like a story, but three or more people point out the same things, you need to take a new look at your story and see why they are saying the same thing. This is a good reason to have many reviews on your stories.

I have discovered that the easiest way to get reviews, is by giving them myself. Often if you review someone, they will generally return the favor. Plus, you learn a lot when you review someone else's story.

I hope this is a help to you. And again, Welcome to the site and I hope you spend a lot of time with us and share your stories. Keep on writing

PennyInPocket
19
19
Review of No Need To Tell  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You did a good job with the prompt whild keeping the story short. You have a good introduction, building middle and a hook at the end.

I review the technical aspects of stories, not the themes, so you won't find any comments on the subject matter.

A few comments on your story:

You set the mood somewhat with your first sentence, but you could do more with a little tweaking. Instead of telling us what is happening, let the characters.
An idea - "It's so unlike her to be late," Harmony thought as she sat by the door."

Since this is flash fiction and word count is important, there are some words you can eleminate without changing the story.
A good example is "just" as in "Then just as she was about..." In this sentence, you can also drop the "Then" and start your sentence, "As she was about..."
"Just barely" can be "barely"

When you use it in quotes, it makes sense to leave it as that is the way people tend to talk.

In the 3rd sentence, we already know Harmony is seated so you don't have to repeat her name.

Actually, the sentence is somewhat awkward, so you could eleminate her jumping up and have her answer the door.

When they meet you write, "knowing she would know what she was asking". This is your attempt as a writer to explain the scene (Telling the story). You can drop this phrase and let the reader learn from the characters (Showing). Also, it tends to be wordy.

Ginny didn’t notice the door opening, - here again you're telling, not showing. This takes away from Eric's appearance as the reader knows something is going to happen. You can drop this phrase without taking away from the story.

Spelling "your gay" should be "you're gay". A simple mistake a spell checker won't catch.

You could put the idea of the open door in the last paragraph as in "Eric stood in the open doorway, his mouth..."

I hope my simple suggestions are a help. Use them if they can help, or don't pay attention to them. This is your story and you have the final say in what you write.

Have a great Christmas season and keep on writing.

PennyInPocket
20
20
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to the family. I hope your stay here is as helpful for you as it has been to me. I haven't been here long, but I enjoy my time here.

The draw this site has for me is the ability to rate and review other people's writing. It encourages writers and helps me grow myself.

You have a good story with a sad ending. Unfortunately, it is true of so many of us. Perhaps it is good Christmas comes along to remind us of how we should treat each other.

On to the review.

In the first paragraph - "but" is a word of contrast, yet you have used it to join two similar statements (the beginning of winter).

They were Italian immigrants, like many who lived in the area. Newspapers and radio were the only things that left them connected to the rest of the world. - The sentence reads awkward. Try changing it to "Newspapers and radio were the only things that connected them to the rest of the world."

You jump from the immigrants to the deli in the middle of the paragraph with no transition.

Suddenly, a woman entered the deli. She struggled with the door and I ran to help her. Together we pushed the frozen door open and she scurried in. - In this paragraph, you have the woman entering the deli, then in the next sentence, they are struggling with the door so she can scurry in.

I could tell the child was tired. - This seems to be something added to fill in the story. The man got a quick glimpse of a wrapped up baby, so how could he tell the child was 'tired'?

Just a few thoughts on a good story. I hope you have a fantastic Christmas and keep on writing.

PennyInPocket
21
21
Review of The Gift  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to the site. I have only been here a few months myself and have found this site extremely useful. I hope you post more stories for all of us to read. I see from your portfolio that you are a published author, so I hope you will get involved in reading and rating stories as us beginners need all the help and encouragement we can get.

My first comment is that this is more of an article than a short story. This may seem minor, but someone looking for a short story may quickly lose interest when they realize it isn't one.

As to your message, I agree with what you wrote, but I don't generally review the message of the story but its structure.

May I point out that your first sentence is incomplete. As you know, the first sentence has to hook the reader and make him want to read more.

I understand what you are trying to say in the first paragraph, but it doesn't flow and tends to be wordy.

Be careful of repeated words. You use the word "gift" or its equivalent 10 times in the first paragraph. A reader will start looking for the next time that word appears and forget about the story, or will get tired of it and move on to something else.

Did we read the instructions ( Bible) and do we understand the many uses of the gifts . . .
A few thoughts on this sentence:

You start out past tense "did" and switch to present "do".
The way it is written, "instructions" receives more weight than "Bible" Perhaps you should write "Do we read the Bible, God's instruction book and do we ..."
You have been speaking of a gift, singular, then ask if we understand the "many uses of the gifts, plural.

Read your instructions on a daily bases - word should be "basis"

you will see the gift you have is the love of God and the power of kings - In this sentence, I don't understand the phrase "the power of kings" since this is the only place "kings" are mentioned. Who are they and what is their power?

So this gift is a everlasting gift so wear it proudly and show it off for all to see, and you’ll find out that your gift is the greatest gift of all -
You have the word "so" twice in close proximity. Beginning your closing sentence with "so" weakens the impact of your sentence. You can drop the "So" and simply state, "This gift is an (not a) everlasting gift, so wear..."
Also, you repeat the word "gift" as well. So, you could say, "This gift is everlasting, so wear it ..."

Just a few thoughts. Thanks for sharing this article with us. You will find many people of faith here who love to write and read about their Savior. If you check around, you will find a multitude of Christmas stories, as I'm sure you all ready know.

Have a great Christmas, remembering the true meaning of the season and keep on writing.
PennyInPocket
22
22
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (4.0)
I greatly appreciate this story as I have a good friend who spent many years as a home health aide. She was loved by all her patients an coworkers. Her husband passed away a little over a year ago which was difficult for her. She is doing fine now, but your story brought her back to mind.

When I review stories, I focus mainly on the words, not the topic bening related. I love writing and reading short stories, especially ones that touch the heart. I wrote one called "Small Town Diner" that has touched several people.

I like the opening phrase as it brings pictures to my mind of a ccozy house. The ending phrase of the sentence troubles me. I expected to find a quiet, serene lady who triumphed over all circumstances with unusual grace.

In the paragraph, I don't find anything that would produce a calm atmosphere. Instead, I find lonelyness and unthankfulness.

In the last paragraph, I see that you are a calming influence on her, but that wouldn't be enough to provide the calm atmosphere before your arrival. As I read through the story, I get the feeling that your act of mercy for this lady has greatly benefited you. Perhaps that is what you are expressing. I tend to be a little thick at times.

A note, in the first sentence, you walk into the house, but later on, you are opening the door.

I noticed that you wrote this story a year ago, so I am sure you have learned many things about writing. I apologize if I mention something that you have already taken care of in your current writing.

I think the main thing I would suggest is to write with the fewest words needed to express your thoughts. This is something that I have been hammered with the last few weeks.

For instance, " It happens to be something I enjoy very much." could be shortened to "It's something I greatly enjoy."

Be careful of repeating words in a paragraph. Example - "A lonely woman in her late eightys. She is lonely," Also, I'm not sure I understand why she was lonely. The sentence leads to the idea that she should be happy.

A careful reading will show some spelling errors a spell checker won't pick up.

Examples - "her husband has past on" should be "passed on"

"It was such a relieve" should be "relief"

Again, I know it has been a year since you penned these words, so I am sure you have noticed these little items.

In your portfolio, I noticed that you write mostly articles. The way this story is structured, I would consider it more of an article than a short story. The difference is that this is told as if someone is narrating. A short story works best if the characters tell the story. Sharing the lady's name would help considerably, as well as the names of her children and husband.

Dialog between characters is a great way to let them tell the story. For example, when the health aide finds the lady on the floor, you could have the aide hold a conference with the kids where they share thier feelings about the situation.

I hope these rambling utterances are a help to you. If you are like me, you most likely are busy writing new items and don't have time to rewrite older ones. I hope you have a great Christmas season and a Happy New Year.

PennyInPocket
23
23
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quaint story with a lot of potential. I looked over the other reviews and I believe you will find mine to be a bit different. I will offer suggestions on how you may be able to enhance this story.

The first comment is that you tell the story very well, but are lacking in showing. For example, you tell us that the ministers arrived every Monday morning. Perhaps -

Monday morning awoke with a beautiful sonrise, which added to the exitement of Barbara and Ruby, the owners of the Cream Bun Cafe. "Parish Priest Poleaxed by Christmas Crib," Ruby read aloud as the first member of the group they affectionally callet 'the Monday Ministers' made his way to his reserved table.

This is simply a suggestion of how you can let the characters tell the story. Telling the story as a narator is good, but letting the characters tell the story draw the reader deep into the story.

When you introduce Rev. Patterson, it should be subtitle not subtitled. You could combine sentences by saying "... funds, it was Gregory, author of a book called..."

The phrase, 'recently got it included' seems awkward. You can clean it up by saying, 'It sold well to Anglicans and Catholics, but not Presbyterians. To his delight and amazement, Heaven Sent Ecclesiastical Accessories included it in their cataloge, guaranteeing world wide coverage.'

When you introduce Knox, you use the word 'who' twoce in the same sentence. Maybe - Knox McDonald stormed in next, looking and sounding like a traditional elderly Presbyterian who believed in giving...

Instead of using the passive voice to introduce gabrielle (was accompanied) try letting her enter on her own, like - Gabrielle, his lovely heavyset assistant minister, followed on his heels, smoothing out the wrinkles her 'boss' created.

Again, you have awkward phrasing with Sam when you say "he got his biggest". Instead try something like, His biggest congregations came at funerals where he did his best to win over other...


However, on this rather unusual Monday, there was a full turnout. Maybe you could have one of the girls tell us this, as in - "I told you we would have a full house today, what with that headline in the paper," Ruby beamed to Barbara. Barbara or one of the ministers could reply with the sentence about the Pope's representative.

The paragraph with Father Mathew being circumspect tends to be wordy.

However, a circumspect Father Mathew believed it was God's way of rapping his knuckles to bring him down to earth. It seems that last Christmas he attended a joint service at (drop the up at) the Anglican church and saw (not seen) a nice Christmas crib on the porch. Grefory saw his interest and told him he had purchased it from....

Why not let Father Mathew tell the story to the crowded cafe down to the parishioner's comments?
In the paragraph were he is unpacking the crates, you have the angels suspended above the shepherds. That wouldn't happen until the display was set up.

solid plastic shepherd (not shephard) was grabbed and slammed - passive voice and weak

"Maybe it was the parishioner or the hand of God, but somehow a solid plastic shepherd slammed into his head, knocing him into the crib, extinguishing the angel's lights, as well as his."
The reference to the angel's lights would take the reader back to the humorous tidbit about the bulbs being up thier skirts.

The message is the high point of the story and should be stronger. It seems wordy to me. I would suggest separating it into two parts. God loves all equally and therefore we don't try to get on "over on the other"

"done thing" is not the best gramatically, but it fits well with the theme of the story.

Check your comma usage. The words "as" and "But" are generally preceeded with a comma. Also, commas seperate phrases, as in - If this is a Christmas message from God - comma - perhaps it is that ...

Just a few thoughts on a great story. You are offering a large number of points, so I don't want to give you a piece of fluff that does nothing to build you as a writer.

As I always state, this is your story and I am simply offering suggestions. My review seems to go against the other ones I read, so perhaps my viewpoint is off. If so, take my suggestions with a grain of salt and do what you will with them.

Keep on writing and I hope to read more from the Cream Bun Cafe.
24
24
Review of Underworld  
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I find this a fantastic story with much potential for a bunch of chapters. A mystery series with a twist. It took me a while, but I finally saw where you were heading with it. Mr. Rhet suddenly took form.

I like the use of the first person as I tend to use that voice a lot myself. Perhaps it lets me get into the story easier.

I enjoy your use of discriptive words and phrases that set the atmosphere and let me paint a clearer picture in my mind.

I have some suggestions for you. Some are easy, such as spelling or punctuation. Some are based on writing styles, which differ from writer to writer. So use my suggestions for what they are, suggestions. Don't think that I am finding fault with your story, I am simply offering suggestions that may, or may not help.

Opening sentence - A personal preference, but I generally dislike the use of words like "just" for discriptions. Often times the sentence reads as well without it. (Often times the sentence reads just as well without it. see?) - Also, as written the sentence is awkward. My suggestion would be something like "Last Tuesday, while I was polishing the ..."

The Letter: It states the matter simply and succinctly. Again, a matter of style - this time I would use a descriptive word such as "I request your assistance in a matter of much urgency." It says the same thing, but in a different manner.

Sentence structure - "Several mysterious deaths in our community have occured." The way it is worded, the emphasis in on "have occured" while the thrust should be that they have occured in Mr. Reht's small community. This can be an effective way of writing if it is carried throughout the story. Yoda of Star Wars fame proves that.

"Please meet me" is straight forward but commanding, as if Mr. Quaintick was obligated to go. Perhaps, "I would deem it an honor if you could meet me..." or something along that line; formal but humble.

Paragraph 3 - "and accordingly" again one of those "extra" words that is not needed. You could say the same thing by writing, "...somebody in distress, so I went."

Paragraph 4 - Spelling - "Colour" is an acceptable spelling, but it is an older spelling that is not used too often today. Personally, I like the spelling better (as also labour <labor> later on) but I question whether it should be used.

undefinable should be "indefinable"

Also, would it be better to say "early bus" instead of "bus early"?

Paragraph 5 - Spelling - "storeroom" is one word.
Consider making the two sentences one as in "... I proceeded downstairs, through another unlocked door into a storeroom."

Structure - "There wasn't much space behind it, and, after checking my watch, I called out for Mr. Rhet." The first phrase belongs with the prior sentence and doesn't make sense in this one.

Instead of telling us "the voice was high and whispery, show it as in "You have to climb through the hole," a high, whispery voice sounded from far away." That would lead in to the next sentence where you could say, "Intrigued, I bent low to discover a crack in the wall that forced me to scrunch down in order to wiggle through to the darkness beyond."

Should you say "the sound of his footfalls"? You can combine these two sentences by inserting the word "as" - "...I followed the sound of his footfalls as he led me down..."

Should it be "we are here" instead of "we are there"?

Paragraph 7 - I am having a difficult time picturing the cave. I am thinking that some bricks have been removed from the wall, thus forming a "cave" for Mr. Rhet. Or, it is a stone foundation with several stones missing. I think part of the confusion is the use of the words "sotnes" and "brickwork". If it is missing bricks, then it would have to be more than a few (2 or 3) to make a "cave" for the family with more than one nest.

I guess I am also confused as to who or should I say what Mr. Quintick is. He must be about the size of Mr. Rhet to fit comfortably in his nest, yet he rides the bus home at the end of the story.

Show, not tell - Easy to say, but oh so hard to see.
"Mr Rhet led me to a similar nest and offered me a seat" tells the story. A suggestion on showing the story "My wife is in labor," he said as he offered me a seat in a similar nest.

Again - "Wax dribbled to the floor as I held the candle upright so I could inspect the nest." Perhaps not the best way to say it, but to me it presents a clearer picture of him holding the candle above his head as he surveyed the nest.

I wonder at the use of the word "labials". A search of a dictionary didn't help. I believe I understand what you are saying; I guess I wonder if this would be an occasion to be simple and not strive for the "great" word.

Show the story - "Food poisoning," I choked as I spit out the morsal of gain I had just placed in my mouth."
(This is a place I would supply the added word "just")
You could put a little more animation in the reply as in "Oh no, let me assure you that this grain is completely safe to eat." In this case I would add the word "completely", though not necessarilly needed, since Mr. Rhet is doing his best to prove it is safe to eat.

"dragged me behind a box with radishes" implies that he used radishes to drag him. try "box of radishes"

drop comma, "Are you saying that this is not a singular occurance?"

"Only now, I discovered" and "I explained" are formal phrases used in a time of urgency. Perhaps, "looking around, I saw a stack of bricks and exclaimed, "He's going to close that hole."

Drop comma - "Then I'll (better than we'll) have to say..."
Add coma - "have to say good-bye," said Mr. Rhet, AS he ran to the hole and jumped through.

"Yesterday, while I was..." agrees with the suggestion for the beginning of the story.

Addressses - should there be a comma between the number and the street? 156 Pillsbury Rd. and 95 Fenton St.

It may seem that I am being overly picky and pointing out too many things. That is not my intention. THis is a great story and I am simply offering suggestions that you may or may not agree with. The fact that I spent so much time on the review shows that I like the story. I would not waste my time, or yours if the story was not good.

I hope you write more chapters in this interesting detective series. I'll keep checking your portfolio for additions or for other stories you post.

Thank you for sharing this story with us. I am constantly amazed at the imagination and ingeniuity writers display here.
25
25
Review by PennyInPocket
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
You have a believable plot, one that unfortunately is all too true. Many people, especially older ones, have a tendency to trust anyone who says they have a need. Often when they are taken, they have the same responce and give up on kindness. If people would us Biblical principles, they could escape this senario.


The first suggestion is to put spaces between paragraphs like in this review. It makes it a lot easier on the reader. Many people won't read, let alone review a story without the spaces. This is a necessity!!!!


A few reoccuring mistakes -

Add a space in the name, as in Mrs. Aslam.

A comma occurs at the end of a quote when followed with a tag, such as "Good night," Mrs. Aslam said quietly.

To show a pause, you have the choice of three dots '...' or one dash '-', not ----. It is best to pick one and stick with it throughout the story.

You have a extreemly formal writing format, which is understandable for Mrs. Aslam, but her children would tend to speak more informally, using more contractions. For dialoge, it isn't a big problem. but you tend to use the formal tone throughtout.

The 16 year old daughter is in college, so it might help to say something about her graduating high school early.

You have a habbit of using the same phrases many times in the story. An example is "After a few minutes" Continuoulsy used phrases tend to cause the reader to loose interest in the story. Often, these phrases aren't even needed.


Be careful of repitition in other areas as well. Example - when she is preparing breakfast, you write, "...was preparing breakfast, the door was knocked. "Saleem, go and see who is knocking..."

1st - it should be "was preparing breakfast, someone knocked on the door." The phrase "The door was knocked" is a fragment and doesn't make sense by itself.

2nd - The average person would say something like, "Saleem , see who that is." If you say an action is taking place, don't have the charater repeat it in his dialoge. Drop one or the other.

3rd - It seems that everytime someone is at the door, Mrs. Aslam is telling Saleem to answer it.


When you have a section of dialogue, you don't need a tag, like 'he said', with each comment.


I notice that every character has the same speech pattern. I alluded to this earlier with the idea of formal speech, but if you read each character's lines, you will find them to be the same. Different people speak in different ways. A good way to learn is to find a public place where you can hear people talking without eavesdropping, and listen. Look for word use, contractions, long words or short, slang, repeated words, profanity (mild, sevear, vulgur) and the like. Listen for tone, volume, joy, saddness, pain, etc.

If you want to improve as a writer, listen, then write down the conversations as you remember them, making sure each one has his or her own style.

I read the other posts you have in your portfolio and saw that you wrote better and with more confidence in those articles. They were more of a non-fiction type and were much better written. You need to use that same confidence in your story telling.


When I am writing a scene, I try to imagine myself in that same situation and write accordingly. I just completed a story for a contest, using a photograph to describe the scene. Above all, you need to have fun writting. I have read several "How to" books where the author said that writting was a chore. I disagree completely. Writing gives you the chance to become the person you want to be as you live through your characters.


I started editing your story and found that I could easily remove a third of it and still have the same story. As an example, I would write the first paragraph as follows:

Mrs. Aslam was a kind, sympathetic woman who desired to help others in need; a true humanitarian. As proof, she recently gave a tidy sum to her maid who needed to purchase clothes for her five year old daughter,Hina.

I chose the word 'tidy' as it goes along well with the job description of a maid.


You have the beginnings of a great story here. It needs some work, but that is nothing to be upset about. Every story can use some work, even those by 'great' writers. Most of the problems are easy to correct and will become a thing of the past as you progress in your writing. Whatever you do, NEVER get discouraged and quit. The star rating means nothing to me, as it is subjective, not always taking in every aspect of the story. A 5 star rating with no feedback does the writer little good. A 2 star rating with helpful hints can be a great blessing.


I write all of this to encourage you, not discourage. If I felt you were a terrible writer with no potential, I would never have taken the time to write this review.

I encourage you to go to the reviewing page and read through the reviews posted. You can receive many helpful hints for your own writing as you read the stories and reviews of others.


I have just begun reading Clive Cussler's newest novel. Now that I am a writer, I no longer read purely for pleasure. I am amazed at the way Cussler describes each scene and study the method he uses. So, I not only enjoy a great story, but I am learning how to write better while I am doing it. I firmly believe that the best way to become a great writer is by being a ravenous reader. Read to learn, then write what you have learned.

Thank you for sharing your story for us. I look forward to your future stories.
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