I think this is an interesting story. Before I go into correcting the minute grammatical errors, I want you to know that I found the voice of this story, of this narrator, was executed extremely well. The information about his work-out routine and how it was conveyed initially had me wandering off and thinking "ok, so where does the actual story begin?" - but that is exactly what makes it perfect. It draws in the reader to the character's state of mind at the time he encounters this strange beast.
Speaking of - what, besides animal instincts and a sound, which I would generally interpret as being the sound of other humans rustling about, tells him that there is a giant animal lurking in the darkness around him. Does he really hear it over his headphones (which reminds me, headphones is one word) and whatever happens to be playing on them. (Knowing what kind of music/book on tape he's listening to and at what volume could help the reader to understand how loud these noises must have been.) Does he ever see it? I assume he does because he mentions being clobbered to death with giant hooves, but that could just be a conclusion he reaches after hearing "galloping" versus a "loping" sound that a bear would have. This is confusing and should be the moment of greatest clarity and interest of the piece.
Okay, now for the nitty-gritty:
Paragraph 2: "Mental retarded" -> "mentally retarded"
Paragraph 4: " I stop, remove my head phones and froze in my tracks" ... froze should be freeze to match the tenses of the other two verbs in this sentence.
Paragraph 4: "The woods seemed to vibrate as the raspy sound engulfs me again. This time much louder and surely much closer." ... replace the period with a comma; the second sentence is just a fragment with a nice hat.
there's also an "it's"/"its" misuse in there somewhere, but I can't find it now. You were trying to convey the possessive of it (its) but used the contraction of it is (it's). Sorry, it isn't as useful without knowing which paragraph to look for it in.
There may be more, but I was skimming toward the end so as to not set of my o.c.d.
On a whole, a great start. You have a good sense of who this character is and what he's going through. It is funny and enjoyable and it is worth the polishing.
I wouldn't bother correcting the small stuff if I didn't believe that.
This is a GREAT story. The main character, though it took me a while to put two and two together that she was a girl, is interesting; complex and twisted, but completely believable. Her pain and self-loathing and the seed of hatred blooming within her is conveyed perfectly.
I love the twist at the end, and the guilty conscious; she did the wrong thing for making him live through what she had to live through instead of just killing him. I also love the fact that at the end of the story we have both questionable morality and poetic justice in one act.
It's simple, succinct, twisted and delightful. Great job!
I just want to say, this poem is perfect. It conveys the imperceptible beginning and ceaseless and growth, of love. It effectively reconstructs the stages of a relationship in most basic terms, and every phrase strikes true. I enjoy how "within this circle lies a gift/one I gave to you once before" refers back to the first line, and is tied up neatly in the last. Exactly what you would expect; it came full-circle.
Even beyond what the words are actually saying, the sound and emotion of this poem makes me want to smile. It's warm and heartfelt, like the literary equivalent of a warm brownie with hot, gooey icing.
Thank you for sharing this delicious poem.
Write On!
-Hannah
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I wouldn't bother correcting the small stuff if I didn't believe that.