*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/philbeckwith
Review Requests: OFF
5 Public Reviews Given
13 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Night Diversions  
Review by Rolph Darren
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi

A great idea, i loved the bit where xavier kept the blade,

i only have a few suggestions, i hope you take them Constructively


As they drove, they passed the old and falling apart train depot.
- sounds a bit wrong, maybe if you say -

"As they drove, they passed the old train depot, which was now falling apart"

The two latest victims about to be robbed and have their lives taken away from them after they had been stripped of their dignity and the woman raped, looked like they had all the money in the world to Bobby and Jack.

the sentence needs punctuation, maybe something like this:

"The two latest victims, who looked like they had all the money in the world to Bobby and Jack, where about to be robbed and have their lives taken away from them after they had been stripped of their dignity and the woman raped."

that both the man and woman wore.

When the pair was ordered at gunpoint <--- maybe replace was with were

fast their captors only say a blur <---i think you mean saw


i didn't see much else and look forward to seeing more of your work, keep on writing mate.

Rolph Darren.

p.s. if you have the time please take a look at some of my work http://Writing.Com/authors/philbeckwith

cheers
2
2
Review by Rolph Darren
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi
a great story you have starting to roll along here

I found my self riding along with Aaron and Tara

i also loved your imaginative view on magic

only one thing ide like to point out, if you don't mind

just in your dialog, the text seems to get a bit choc-a-block, maybe line spacing might make it a bit easier to read, not to mention more attractive for readers.

but yes like i said a wonderful story, and you get your reader very involved, love to see more.

if you like, please visit my portfolio
http://Writing.Com/authors/philbeckwith
i would love to hear your views.

thanks again for the great read and keep it up.

All the best - Rolph Darren
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/philbeckwith