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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pindrop
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3 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Pindrop
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love the way you hate you love me, [would this be better as "hate to love me"?]
You woke up one day, died to self, and lived for me. [doesn't make sense to me at all. I kinda get what you are aiming for, that she lost herself for another... but does not work]
You stood tall when you fell in love. [Nice]
Only to crumble in my arms when I held you together [very nice]

Your odor was a sweet aroma. [I know what you are going for but "odour" just has so many extremely negative connotations it makes me think of her as disgusting, rather than scented/ musk.]
A very toxic dose of candor,
My homicide I survived, when you killed my childishness and brought life to my manliness. [awkward, overlong, shoe-horned idea. Get rid of the first part; "you killed my childhood and created my manliness" or something]
Too scared of my courage to sacrifice happiness [doesn't make sense to me- why is "of my courage" necessary?]
But when I bled from your piercing kiss [nice]
I was healed by the tenderness of your lips [nice]

Crippled by your walk [works]
Silenced by your boisterous whisper of nothing [doesn't work]
Eyes closed gazing into my world [so-so]
Dreaming of the real us in a world that will be created by us [so-so]
This bad mix of good is the best thing I’ve ever had. Of course!! [weak]

There are some really nice ideas here, just need a little work to improve the weaker parts, but enjoyed it a lot.
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