I like it. It reads smoothly as a first chapter to a story. This has a lot of possibilities to what it could become.
Maybe it could be a comedy - drama, with Dan having lots of comical scenarios where he has lots of bad dates, then somehow, finds the girl he wants at the end.
Or, maybe make him a serious guy in a drama. He ends up depressed, an alcoholic, shunning the world because he's lonely.
If you do write more, send me an e-mail and I'll read it.
Best wishes.
I'm not sure who you are hoping to get reviews from.
Are you hoping to get lots of 'FAT' people to respond and argue with you? Maybe you 'hope' they will read all that you've put and agree with you.
I myself, am one of those lucky few that can (and do) eat ANYTHING and hardly gain weight, whether I walk, exercise or not.
So the point where you state: 'You are what you eat' is not always true.
You've written SO MUCH I'm not going to comment on everything, other than state my own view:
Yes, there are lots of overweight people out there. Yes, (to a point) I get where you are coming from.
BUT: What you have stated, can read as being dictatorial in way, because you are TELLING all of these overweight people what (most of them) know already.
Most 'FAT' people, would probably have stopped reading after the first few lines you've written.
I don't know how to 'rate' this at all. If I rated as 'educational' maybe you'd get a 5-star rating, because it is educational.
BUT: I (like most people) wouldn't want to be told what to do by anyone (unless it's my boss)
So for that reason, its an average 3. Because to me it comes over as a 'rant'
Who is Carmen? How old is she? Is she smart, feisty, or temperamental? What had she done to create so much anger that someone would wait to attack her? Is it an abusive parent, or boyfriend?
There's endless possibilities that could continue this story.
I think it's hard to 'rate' something with only two lines to it.
But keep going with it.
I think you could expand this into a longer story. Make the suspense last. Make us WANT to read to the end and find out HOW Jerod gets the 'hit' taken off him.
The description sounds intriguing. I like the first paragragh. It conjurers up images of the '50's private eye novels like Mickey Spillane would write. I enjoy reading crime fiction, so I liked this a lot.
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