Though the message is very well throughout and is cemented even more by the very disorganised structure, though that also allows the reader to disengage, as much as I like it, I think you should rework the wording to flow better. It is nice for what it is, but it won’t catch many eyes unfortunately
first off, this is beautifully written, I can’t fathom the time that was spent to get it to this point, though it’s more the concept that I had a problem with, you gave enough detail to vaguely understand the situation, but it leaves too much up to the imagination, the only suggestion I have is to add another verse or two
I quite enjoyed this, it gives you a grasp of the situation, past that, the rhythm of the piece seems to have a bit of swing, witch is uncommon but much appreciated.
It’s very difficult to read this because of the way it’s segmented, though I see potential in the piece as a whole, I would suggest making the rhythm and rhyme of the piece more clear and allow the piece to flow.
It’s interesting and well written but because the message is so clear and it’s a subject like this, so it feels a bit preachy, maybe if you had woven a metaphor into it, it could be more paletable.
Every word drips with meaning and the overall point of the piece is well displayed, allowing it to be read into or just seen at face value by more casual readers, the sign of a skilled author. If there was one thing that I thought could be improved, it would be the structure, the shorter lines make it feel a little bit clunky sometimes
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