I really want to like this poem but I can't find a rhythm or style. Your words are powerful and these are things that many parents feel and experience so you are on the right track with the subject. I just feel like you need to look up the different types of style of poems, pick one you like and then mold this one after it.
I think you have great potential so don't let a few bad reviews discourage you or hurt your feelings. As a fellow artist it is my obligation to be honest with my fellow artist so I can help them achieve their full potential and I hope everyone who reads my work will do the same for me. Take my constructive criticism as a loving push toward greatness.
"We did nothing..." Great ending line. It is still ringing in my ears and will follow me around for a while.
I like to see poet's work with the layouts and you have come up with a very interesting layout for yours.
When I first started reading it I didn't think it would interest me and I figured I would not get through it but I was pleasantly surprised.
You are right about our environment and I hope a lot of people read this and take it to heart. You never know, your art could change the world for the good.
LOL, that sounds like me! How many times have I sat and wrote and let the house and errands and all the other things you listed fall by the wayside? I couldn't begin to count.
I love your rhyming scheme in this one and the way you laid it out. The visualization is spot on. Good job!!
The second stanza is excellent. It flows like a song but then you get off pattern and it messes up the flow.
I get what you are saying in your poem and I fully understand the feelings you are expressing. This is a great start but keep working on it.
Try to get each stanza just like the first one with the same pattern of sound even if you have to break the others down and add more stanzas.
May I suggest this for the last stanza?
He is different
So am I
You don't Like?
Then Bye Bye
Now compare the rhythm to the second stanza.
You may hide
but never seek
you may die
without a peek
See what I mean? You can hear a tune in your head.
I think on the first stanza if you just say,
Don't look at me and leave out, 'like that', then the poem still makes sense because in poetry there is a 'license' to stray from the norm.
In the following stanza I feel like it must have been a copy and paste error, there are only three lines where the rest have four and one of the lines is extra long so I am going to put here like I think you meant for it to be:
I guess I have hole
where the line is
right between acting
young and preforming old
I think if you leave the first three lines like they are and take out 'performing' it will flow better. Try it out and see, it may or may not but that is something to work on.
The following stanza only has three lines and since all the others have four you should stick with four except in certain types of poetry all lines should be the same. You can look up the different types of poems and see what I am talking about.
I guess I will never
be like you and the others
or my sisters and brothers
my example below is not right either but I don't want to do all the work for you, LOL. JJ
Try something on the line of this:
I will never be
like all the others,
like my sinful brothers
Nor anything like you
And one more thing. You will want to move your lines around to have the same rhyming scheme all the way through. If you start out rhyming the first two lines and the second two lines then don't switch to rhyming the first and third lines and the second and fourth lines.
You have a really awesome concept for a really awesome poem here but most of all you have the ability. I can see it in your soul because after all, we poets bare our soul every time we write something and I can see yours in your work.
Keep it up, take the suggestions, take classes and use Google. Never give up.
You are the first person I have asked this of but I would realy like to follow your progress. I am going to mark you as one of my favorites but so I don't miss anything will you please drop me a line when you re-post a re-worked piece or post something new. Just say, "Hey, old woman, you told me to tell you and so I am."
A writer writes so go write, write, write,
Dianne Lowe Breakfield
I see where you are going with this poem but there were a few things I feel like I must mention.
I feel like to make a poem sing you need to have some rhythm to it and a pattern. Each stanza has a different number of lines. That's ok if it is part of a pattern. For example you may start with four lines then go to five then back to four and so on. You may start with one line then go to two then to three or any way you want to but mixing them up breaks the flow.
I love the way you end most stanzas with, "you will
not tell a soul." but I think if you make them either all uniform or all the same it will flow better too.
You really have something good started here. Keep getting reviews, put them all together then make the changes and I think you will be astonished at the great reviews you will get on this one.
A writer writes so keep on writing,
Dianne Lowe Breakfield
I understand what you are saying in this and it is very true, to the core.
There were a few times I felt like the sentences were running on and toward the middle I started losing interest. But then, I am used to reading much harder hitting pieces.
I love it!!! This is so cute and funny. I can see them running around throwing snowballs at each other. I want to quote it in something just so I can share it with other people.
First I would like to say that I enjoyed what you are saying in this poem. I am bipolar, not sure if you are familiar with the symptoms, and I go from manic to depressed so I fully understand what you mean in your poem. Been there. done that, brought home the tee-shirt.
I know that poetry seems to have no rules anymore so forgive me if I am wrong but you started out with four lines and with the first two and the second two rhyming but then you go to five lines with the middle line not rhyming. Further down you go to three lines with the first and last line rhyming. Close to the end you have another stanza with five lines.
The way I was taught is that if you are going to rhyme then keep with the same amount of lines per stanza and make them sort of sing-song with a set rhythm.
One other thing I noticed that I was taught was not a good thing to do is to repeat rhyming words. I see that you used the words, 'me' and 'anymore' as the rhyming word several times.
You will want to look into the things I mentioned to be sure because I haven't studied poetry since I was in college 36 years ago.
I don't know if you are familiar with the whole critique process but please do not get offended by mine or anyone else's critiques. We are all human and make mistakes and we are all still honing our craft no matter how far ahead or behind we are than the person doing the critique. Critiques are supposed to help the writer get an idea of what readers like and don't like and to help us get better. Please feel free to critique my work with brutal honesty. I have only posted one so far but I am working on adding more.
Very interesting metaphors. I really enjoyed reading it and don't have a critique although when I read something I like to be able to critique something to help the writer. I know a writer myself I always appreciate it when someone is honest with me and makes suggestions or corrects my mistakes but I honestly could not find anything wrong.
My favorite part:
Abandonment hence found its way
As blackened shroud does steal my breath,
The ashes mark the final day
I wandered past the shadow of death
I had the feel of the days of the Knights throughout the poem.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 8:47am on May 04, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "