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16 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review by FabledSoul
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Dawn. *Smile*
I’d been waiting for Hidden Fire to come up again, as I rather enjoyed the first section, so off I go...

Section Two

General Story Stuff

*Bullet* The beginning of section two starts off with quite a lot of exposition, and while that’s not a problem necessarily, it doesn’t really bring the reader into the mind or POV of the character. Don’t just tell us it was a mistake him touching her right at the start, but show us how he feel about it with a shiver, a blush, something like that.
Also, you seem to switch between his personal thoughts and then description without anything to indicate the change. Such as: ”At 35, while still considered little more than a youth in mage years, he was far too intelligent to act the fool over a pretty young thing! He chuckled to himself softly.
The italics would appear to be his thoughts on the matter, and the bold then a description of something. If they are his internal thoughts, think of some way to differentiate them from normal text. If not, ignore me completely. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* In the first couple of paragraphs, you’re talking about Kai’s rise to Archmage, and also his predecessor’s demise at a small border test. I think you could elaborate on this some. Though it’s not immediately pertinent to the story at hand, it always helps to have a little background for characters, especially if their peers do not approve them of. Plus, the slight border clash could do with some explanation as to the two sides or countries, why they fought, things like that. Just a little more detail about things would really serve to bring the reader into the story’s world some more.

*Bullet* I still love Kai’s character in this section. Very well written, and hilarious in his subtlety. *Laugh*

*Bullet* Kay, so I’ve reached the end of the section. At the beginning, Misty was following Kai down the corridor, and now he’s in the conference room and she’s nowhere to be seen. What happened to her? If she went off with a servant as the next section would suggest that’s fine, but show her doing that. Have Kai look back and see her scurry off somewhere, cos at the moment, she’s left floundering in non-defined space as Kai’s gone into the meeting with the Baron. *Laugh*


Mechanics, Structure, all that jazz

*Bullet* “Archmage Kaimana strode [quickly down the hall, rapidly] putting distance between himself and the pretty little halfie girl he'd just managed to acquire.”
’Quickly’ and ‘rapidly’ in such close succession? If he’s striding, it’s a safe bet he’s doing it quickly cos people just look plain stupid if they stride slowly. *Laugh* You could say the same thing and get the same effect across with a simple rewording, I think. Something like this, perhaps:
”Archmage Kaimana swept down the hall with huge strides, leaving the pretty little halfie girl he’d just acquired far behind in his haste.”

*Bullet* “What had possessed him?”
’Had’ sounds a bit weak here, and is redundant anyway. ”What possessed him?” See? *Wink*

*Bullet* “...an expression of extreme annoyance on his face...”
Show, don’t tell. Nya! *Pthb* Sorry... lol. Anyway, yes, show, don’t tell. Furrow his brow, have him spitting (literally), or grinding his teeth together in anger. We know what someone looks like when they’re mad, so describe that, and we’ll work out for ourselves that the baron ain’t happy.

*Bullet* “His closest advisers fluttered about him, whispering calming words, try to forestall the explosion of the temper their lord was famous for.”
But I really liked that sentence. I really got the vision of lots of little people flapping around him like annoying insects, and just imagined him smackin’ ‘em. Well done.

*Bullet* “Kaimana inwardly winced--laying it on a little thick there, Kai...”
Action switching to internal thoughts with no differentiating again.

*Bullet* “...struggling to make a series [of] narrow-minded, witless warriors and vain, self-centered mages listen to reason.”
Missed out the bracketed ‘of’ there that I inserted.


All in all, a good addition to the story, if a little short. *Wink* I can see this quite easily being combined with section three into one slightly longer chapter with no problems at all. The POV shift would be fine if made noticeable. And you shall have my views on section three very soon, but keep it up, well done.

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Review by FabledSoul
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Yo Dawn!

For someone who states at the beginning that this chapter is first draft and pretty rough, it’s a very tight chapter. Me thinks you lie, my girl. I shall apologise in advance, for I think this will be a short-ish review, due to my not having much to point out...

General Story Stuff

*Bullet* I liked the first paragraph a lot. There’s an instant impression of not only her appearance, but also her work and role, and her surroundings too. Well done, good start. Oh, but one thing:
”It was far too big for her tiny frame, but at least it was not stained and falling to pieces like her work gown.”
From what you say just in that first paragraph, I get the feeling she’s a servant girl or some such. I don’t think a servant girl would refer to her work attire as a ‘gown’ as this tends to hint at a pretty dress or somethin’. Maybe change the word to something slightly drabber in it’s description.

*Bullet* It did strike me as slightly strange that the owners of the inn would look after the child that killed their daughter, spawned by a random one-night stand. But I suppose, if you need free labour...

*Bullet* When Misty first uses her ‘little talent’, I think you should make a lot more of it. From what you’ve written so far, it seems something like a Jedi mind trick, but with a bit of a headache. *Laugh* You simply tell us that she concentrates a bit, and a headache builds, and then she’s pretty much invisible. Then when she gets outside she retches. I think it would have much more of an effect if you made more not only of her having to concentrate to build the magic and get the effect, but also of how if hurts her, and causes her to feel. Stabbing pain behind the eyes, a terrible ringing in her ears, general things that are painful lol.

*Bullet* And in the first paragraph of the next scene the reader gets a wonderful feeling of the mass of people, and the business of the town. You describe and capture the feel of the hustle and bustle of a busy market type town very well. Good job.
I also like the way you talk about the guild auctions, and what happens if you don’t get bid on. Personally, I think the Night Guild sounds like much more fun... *Wink*

*Bullet* “Kris' mother was head cook there and had asked the guild bidder to purchase Mistral for a place in the scullery.”
Hmm, a strange place to finally let us know Misty’s full name. I think it would be slightly better to have that introduced earlier, and from then on refer to her as Misty.

*Bullet* “"Hold please, my good men and women! I was just running a tad late; the war, you know. It does cause such inconvenient delays in one's plans." He waved his hand and the gates slammed shut behind him, sending the guards staggering off balance.”
I like this dude already. *Laugh* A great bit of dialogue to introduce him with; very nice sense of humour. Plus, his power is very obvious from the get go, and sets him up nicely for future displays of said power. Buuut, the gates seem to be huge heavy things, and they wouldn’t just slam shut with a wave of his hand. They’d shudder first, or be wrenched away from the guards, or make a protesting noise as they closed, something like that. It just reads a little under-done, the way it is at the moment.

*Bullet* “"This should cover the cost of the girl. Barbaric really, this custom of selling children, but when in Roscetta, one must, I suppose, do as the Roscettans do."”
And this further solidified my liking for the new Archmage. You’ve written him very well. I hope we see lots of him, and that he keeps in his great character all the way through. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* “"Perhaps you need a little encouragement? Release her NOW."”
Now, I have the image of the Archmage being quite a cool, calm guy in my head, so I don’t think he’d shout to make a point. (I assume it was shouting cos it was caps rather than italics.) I’d have him change the inflection of his voice; much more subtle, and far more menacing than a simple shout.


Mechanics, Structure, Inconsistencies etc

*Bullet* ”At the sound of the cock crowing in the inn courtyard below, Misty sat [up] with a start.”
Well, I’m not sure if you can sit any other way apart from up or down, and since we immediately get the impression she’s in bed in the early morning (well done on that by the way), she ain’t gonna be sitting down... I’d take out the ‘up’, just cos it makes it seem a little more sudden, in my head anyway.
”At the sound of the cock crowing in the inn courtyard below, Misty sat with a start.”

*Bullet* “She walked carefully past him and out the door to freedom.”
Now see, I don’t have anything against –ly words like some of our fellow LL&Lers, but in this instance perhaps phrase it differently. There are lots of ways one can walk carefully, but only very few applicable in this instance. Did she tiptoe to stay silent, or sneak against the wall around Jack? You get the gist...

*Bullet* “This was it[;] no turning back now.”
A comma would have been fine. *shrug*
”This was it, no turning back now.”

*Bullet* When Drusilla first appears, you use the word sharp or sharply to describe her several times in quick succession. Now, unless this woman is very pointy, perhaps pick a different word for one of the instances. *Wink*

*Bullet* “She was still smiling broadly as Gorlick, the Night Guild bidder paced down the line, and stopped before her.”
Rather strange placement of commas in this sentence, I feel. I read it, then read it out loud, and it still sounded funny. Maybe change thusly:
”She was still smiling broadly as Gorlick, the Night Guild bidder, paced down the line and stopped before her.”

*Bullet* “At noon, the guards began pushing the great gates closed so bidding could commence. Suddenly, they froze solid and would not move an inch.”
What froze solid, the guards, or the gates? *Laugh* Make that clear, or I’ll feel bad for the poor guards...

*Bullet* “He smiled [lazily] at his peers and began meandering down the line.”
Two things. One, they’re not his peers, cos you’ve written it as if mages are a much better class of people than every one else, and highly revered. Secondly, lazily didn’t work for me in this sentence. Have him smile with a sigh perhaps, which would get across the same effect just as well.

*Bullet* “He turned to Gorlick and smiled lazily.”
He just doesn’t put any effort into his smiles at all, does he? *Laugh* That’s the second time you’ve had him smile lazily, and I feel it should be changed for at least one of the times, and for the same reason as above...

*Bullet* “So quickly that she almost thought she had imagined it, the dangerous spark in his eyes was gone, [lazily hooded].”
Whaaa? Perhaps I’m just being dumb, but I didn’t get what you meant by lazily hooded at all. Oh, and also, the first bit reads a bit wordy. Rewrite something like this:
”So quickly, she almost thought it imagined, the dangerous spark in his eyes was gone, lazily hooded.”


Thassit, I’m done. All in all, a very very good first chapter; I really liked it. You started the story off perfectly, and managed to get a lot of information in without lots of wordiness and exposition. You write characters very well, and I got a real sense of how Misty was feeling throughout. And the Argemage rocks!

Well done. *Pthb*

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Review of The Family Store  
Review by FabledSoul
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya.

I found this item on the plug page and it caught my eye. I was all set to write a review for it but after reading, that's gonna be kind of tricky. The piece is very well writen and polished. I didn't catch any serious grammar or mechanical problems, and any little ones were so slight I can't remember them. *Laugh* The plot's very well done, too. I liked the writing style a lot, and the phrasing of words and stuff.

A couple of comments though...
The names you use, and a lot of the imagery and such is rather cliched with the genre you're writing in. I'm not saying that's a problem, but it's very noticable.
Also, your use of caps to emphasize something. Personally, I think it reads and looks better to use italics or some such instead of caps, as they're normally reserved for shouting.

All in all, a very well writen item, well done! *Bigsmile* Keep it up.

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4
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Review by FabledSoul
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
‘Ello there. *Smile*

I can’t for the life of me remember where I found this item now, but I read it and it caught my interest. Since this is the only item in the folder (other than the outline) I assume it’s the first entry, and I’ll be basing my comments on that assumation. If I’m wrong please do tell me and I’ll be happy to re-evaluate. *Bigsmile* I found it a good piece overall, and a sound start. However, there were some issues that confused me rather, or gave conflicting, mixed impressions.


General thoughts

*Bullet* You started well. I found the conversation between the two people a good way to introduce the characters. Having said that, it did seem slightly inconsistent to me. In the opening, Savannah expresses how she missed talking to Alexander and such like, but a little later in the convo she says that she doesn’t know who his father or family is, and that she’s never seen his face. Then later Alexander tells her of how he watched her be imprisoned, and how he’s been keeping track of her. Why would he do this if they’ve never met before, and how did they become seemingly good friends (and in fact, have him fall in love with her) if she’s only been there six days and they’ve never seen each other?
Perhaps this is me being hasty, but that was the first impressions I got from their conversation.

*Star* You did a good job with the first couple of paragraphs in setting the scene, giving a good visual impression, and also highlighting the apparent social class differences between the two people. The description of the clothes they wore did that well. *Smile*

*Question* In the first part of the story I got the distinct impression it was set long ago, or in a fantasy world somewhere. I think this was mainly because of the descriptions of the stone dungeon, dusty floors and things like that. Then I was snapped back to present day with the talk of wiring intercoms and superpowers. This confused me because I then didn’t know how to perceive the world they were in.
You also talked about politics and religion for a time, but quite specific detail. Since I’ve not heard anything about the place in which the story was set before, it was a little intimidating. Is this story set on Earth, present day, or on Earth of a different history timeline?

*Star* The last paragraph was good, managing to capture the way Savannah would have felt marvellously. It was also a dramatic end to the chapter/item, which made me want to read on some more. In those last few sentences you got a lot more of the story out, and gave a much deeper insight to the girl’s feelings. Well done!


Grammar, spelling and structure

*Bullet*
”She nestled in the corner nearer to the crack and stretched out her ragged skirt over her knees. Her fiery red hair shielded her shoulders and scarred upper back from the cold wall.”
Lots of “her”’s here in quick succession. Consider re-wording to avoid some of the repetition.
“Savannah nestled in the corner nearer to the crack and stretched out the ragged skirt she wore over her knees. The fiery red hair she kept in curls tumbled down, shielding her shoulders and scarred upper back from the cold wall.”

Maybe something like that.

*Bullet* The word King should have a capital K.

*Star*
”This island was a superpower before he and his family strong-armed into power. He has destroyed the government with his ignorant atheistic views and can’t win the respect of the people because they are used to Christian leadership.”
A couple of good strong sentences here, I liked the way they read, and they illustrated the girl’s views well.

Other than those couple of points, it’s all good. *Bigsmile*


Overall, it was a good start. It made me instantly interested in the two people, how they had met, how they felt, and how they would progress. I want to find out what goes on when they meet.
Please keep writing, and I hope you don’t mind my comments. Any questions or thoughts, please let me know. *Smile*

GT
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