Hullo,
I shall assume that, seeing as how you offer a reward for reviewing this particular chapter, you would like a quick review from a perspective at this point in your piece.
If I should pick out one issue with this chapter, is that it is an odd sort of introduction. It entraps the reader quite immediately, you see, the reader is introduced to the protagonist in the confines of a gritty and generally dark sort of bar that doesn't seem to have any depth, progression, hope for itself. It is a claustrophobic sort of experience, as I'm sure is intended, but at the end of this first chapter, the plot is jump-started and the reader loses hope for free exploration as the story places the reader on a slow, spiralling course into the hungry maw of a crises-point singularity. Although that may be a product of my own perspective on these things; I don't particularly like these restrictions of fiction, wherein the protagonist is likely to quickly make some fairly serious existential decisions that I probably won't agree with, makes me struggle, however necessary they may be.
So, presumably this is a space opera about an interstellar nanny state and some issues of an immortal being struggling with family problems.I am, sadly, generally disinclined to sympathise with characters that hold disdain for their immortality, it seems so often unexplained and I hope that if my presumption is correct that you will properly explore the matter, and that of Athenais taking up a rebellious and antagonistic point of view against her perhaps politically minded father...
Forgive me, but that does put her in an awful light, especially for a first impression. I might think that in the vastness of space she could escape those problems as she seems to be attempting to (and it seems successful enough?), yet that hate is a great part of her character, I can see it is intentional, but it still might bear a little bit of explaining. I do not understand that she should writhe against a political oppressor so if she wasn't really oppressed and did was not much of a humanitarian.
Why does she want a cure for the elixir of life? Does she wish to kill the population of Utopia? Then why not a weapon? To reduce their lifespan, to an immortal being, would be very much the same and she would have to then be politically motivated, hum. I will ponder and read on.
Though the language is somewhat mild for the scum of the human race, isn't it? |
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