Youv'e put an amazingly delightfull story of todays teens growing up and becoming adults with all the issues life can toss at them. A powerfull story. Love the realism of the charactors. Torrance is a diva in the making. The making of role call on a skateboard, the airport scene, ski accident, the search, the sexual fustrations of a young adult in the hospital. All ammazingly told.
Great work. The conversations didn't sag or bog down anywhere. I will read more. I'd say, its time to publish.
Absolutly one of the best stories I've read as yet. Congrats to the author. The story flows so effortlessly. The tale move so smoothely from start to finish. I love the contrst of both old world family values juxtoposed the high tech invetigation to resolve a computer code. Again, an awsome execution of Bardcraft.
I aspire to write as well.
Great work! --Quietfire
Hi. I like how you chose to handle the prompt. The story while not explicit made me reminise images of a seaside town in the summer. The dialog is strong. the charactors are vibrant and here I will suggest you could go one step further. The intraspective nature of the boy seems at times a bit deep for the young age he seems to be. There are two soluttions which come to mind if you agree for the need.
1. drop the intraspection and increase with the interactions of others around to accomplish a portraial of his feelings. Ex. When he goes for the ice cream he has no money and is forced to ask his mom. and he expresses both the awkwardness of having to ask an knowing she's waiting.
Or
2. Maybe the boy is a man now telting the tale from hindsight.
In any case I'm just throwing in my two cents. It's an exercise well done. I hope something of what I've said will become helpful --Quietfire
Thought this work was interesting. If I have anything to add, it is that this litegy may benifit by an expantion or fleshing out of more of your concept. It seems almost incomprehensible in moments and the content seems to deserves more attention. In short, I just think you are flying through your thoughts too fast, and this work may benitit by pausing a few moments to allow the reader to digest the numerous aspects you place before us.
Strong content! Good work!
Hope this will be helpfull to you in some way.
--Quietfire
PS The work also seems to read better without the enclosed commentary as they don't, --(for the most part) add new meaning or insight to the sentences.
Very powerfull tale of two visions of identity. The boy and his father perseptions of a single moment. I like this technique you apply as some of my favorite books utillize this a s well. Not ot take away from your creative use of this form of storytelling. There were only a few places I event though you might have culled a few more words. The charactors were real and strong. The boy seemed a bit stronger than the man's, I think it was because I seemed to desire a more complicated diposition from that of the boy in his perseption of both his role to the boy and his wife. And he mentions his wife with little interaction. The inclusion of the wife might make a posible addition to the tale. And In my opion you don't need an epilogue, it clear that each had something to gain in the transaction.
Great work!
I hope this will be usefull to you in some way.
--Quietfire
Cold blooded! I liked this story. I hinesight I felt there was more to the charactor of the woman that I would have liked to know. In the end we find that she's the griefter. But, then is she going to hollywood to grieft or change her ways.--(just a thought). There were a couple of times during the dialog on the bus that felt a little unrealistic, ex. People just met, what might I first talk about? What I believed I was doing? what I was doing? What life was like where I came from, etc. Not to knock hard on what you did but I offer them as a suggestion as to deepening the depth of those charactors.
The affectionate moments felt a bit artificial.--(think it seems to happen to fast).
And last the flshback to the minister who leaves things behind at every station. I felt this would be greatly supported and less of a distraction had at some point at the begining we had seen or been hinted at some disterbance which persisted throughtout the trip.
Short of theses, I found your work to be quite powerfull. The plot was clear and strong.
Good Work!--Quietfire
Cute tail, no pun intented. Took a while to relize the Bull was real, but once I got it, this story was fun an came together. Short and sweet indeed. As a helpful comment, a question of clarity arises at the point the human leaves the cow or the cow somehow leaves the human. But its a minor point countering the overall success of this delitfully odd tail.
Good luck in your continued writing. Very creative.
Very powerfull imagery, I could almost see the room. Not sure of where you'll find her but you've done a graet job of giving us images of her fate. I found it interesting that the vicim, If I can really call her that, is unbound. She seems a willing participant to some extent. I may be all wrong here, but the delivery kept me reading and had there been another page, I'd have turned it. Thought it had a riveting flow. Well done!
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