*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/quihadi/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: ON
463 Public Reviews Given
474 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 ... Next
101
101
Review of Healing Hands  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Subject:A good nurse is too often taken for granite. Something we all need to be reminded of.

Opening:The title is both appropriate and adds to your poem.

Sight Devices:There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices:I had no problem with the rhythm and flow.

Sense Devices:The syntax and sentence structure is appropriate. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.

Closure:I thought the closing seemed right for ending the poem. Not artificial or overwritten.

Placement On Page:I'm a fan of form poetry. Your poem meets the requirements of a Minute Poem. The line breaks and enjambments helped with the rhythm.

General Observations:The only suggestion I have (and it may be only taste) is in the second stanza - third line. I would use a dash instead of a comma. It puts more emphasis on what follows. But it's fine as is. This is a very well written "Minute Poem," and I have no other suggestions - except keep writing.

Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
102
102
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Opening:The title is appropriate and adds to the poem. The first stanza shows where the power is and establishes the tone.

Sight Devices:There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices:I had no problem with the scansion of flow or rhythm.

Sense Devices:I liked the recognition of prayer warriors. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate. The diction is consistent. The sentence structure is good.

Closure:I like the closing lines. They are a strong finish to a good poem.

Placement On Page:The line breaks seem right. My suggestion on the first line is to use a dash instead of a comma after "there." It flows easier, puts emphasis on what follows, and helps commas from being over used.

General Observations:I find a lot of truth in your poem. It's well written, and something we need to be reminded of. Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work. Keep writing them.

Quihadi
103
103
Review of Silent Prayer  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Opening:The title is both appropriate and adds to the poem. You really drew my curiosity after reading the first line, and I wasn't disappointed.

Sight Devices:I was impressed with the specific image details.

Sound Devices:The rhyming couplets worked well for you. I had no problem with the rhythm or flow.

Sense Devices:I liked the questions and the point of view. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices. The sentence structure is good. The totality of tone is consistent.

Closure:The closing couplet is perfect for ending the poem. The joy that only can come from a personal relationship with the Savior.

Placement On Page:The line breaks seem right. I see no punctuation that can be stripped away.

General Observations:This poem can not be tightened more. I see no rhetoric, generality or abstract words. The first time I read the poem through, I said "wow" - love this one. However, the inconsistent caps in the second lines and one typo (savior to Savior) keeps it from getting a 5.0 rating. Having said that, don't change anything else - you have a keeper. Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.

Quihadi

104
104
Review of The Touch of God  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Opening:The title is appropriate. The opening line establishes the tone, however, I would replace the comma and end the sentence.

Sight Devices:There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices:I had a little problem with the scansion of flow and rhythm when reading it out loud.

Sense Devices:The point of view is good. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.

Closure:The last line seems right for ending the poem. I liked the dash in the previous line. It puts an emphasis on what follows.

Placement On Page:I liked the way each stanza went back to the topic. It's my belief that without a rhyme scheme and/or meter, punctuation becomes even more important to guide the reader. A good test is reading it out loud. Poetry is meant to be read out loud. The line breaks seem right.

General Observations:I find two things that hurt the flow of your poem. Unneeded words and the overuse of commas. Also, the poet needs to write in such a way that the reader is the one who draws the conclusion - the touch of God - without being told. Having said that, I enjoyed your poem - I have experienced His touch many times. Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work. God bless and keep writing.

Quihadi


105
105
Review of GOLGOTHA!  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Opening: The title is appropriate. I also liked the use of the sub-titles, and thought they added to your poem.

Sight Devices:There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices:I thought the rhythm and flow were both good. Using punctuation correctly (without meter or a rhyme scheme) added to your poem.

Sense Devices:The point of view is good. The diction consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax and sentence structure is appropriate.

Closure:The last stanza was an excellent way to end the poem.

Placement On Page:The line breaks seem right. I see no punctuation that needs stripped away. I think any tightening would hurt the poem.

General Observations:The one thing that bothered me, is the sections having to do with the prompt. They were "general" or "telling" rather than showing. Having said that, it is very well written.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.
106
106
Review of JEHOVAH-SHALOM  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Opening:The title is appropriate. The first lines establish an appropriate tone.

Sight Devices:A big part of what sets poetry apart from other forms of writing is that it never says anything directly. The best poems make us see things in a different way using figures of speech. Imagery is one of eighteen devices I am trying to master. My favorite in your poem is the third stanza.

Sound Devices:I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow.

Sense Devices:The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.

Closure:I liked the challenge in the closing lines. A good way to end the poem.

Placement On Page:The line breaks seem right. I thought the enjambments in the last stanza were too much. I'm one for stripping words not needed. Suggestion: Use a semicolon after "you" and omit one "for" - last stanza second line. "for me and you;"

General Observations:I thought this was well written. I also think it could be developed a ittle more.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.
107
107
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

I apologize for the delay. I've had to stay at hospitals. Life gets in the way sometimes.

Subject: I like the perspective you chose.

Opening: The title is appropriate. I think a dash separating the two phrases would work here. The first couplet establishes the tone.

Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices: The repetition of Jehovah-Shammah worked well with the couplets. It helped keep the tone consistent and added to your poem.

Sense Devices: The point of view is good, as is the syntax and sentence structure. I had a little problem with "from" in several stanzas. I had to read it several times out loud to get the meaning.

Closure: With couplets, I like to see the poem go full circle. It gives it a stronger finish. Repeating the first couplet or adding one similar at the end?

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. Lack of punctuation (in my opinion) helps this poem.

General Observations: I would replace "from" with "into" but it may not be the intended meaning you are looking for.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work. Because of the delay, I am giving everyone 1,000 GP's with the review.

108
108
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.


Subject: This poem is both personal, and rises above the individual to become more widely relevant.

Opening: The title is appropriate. However, I've learned in my writing that the title should add to the poem, and not be a direct quote.

Sight Devices: I like the image details.

Sound Devices: I did have a problem with the flow. Reading it out loud especially. Without meter or a rhyme scheme, punctuation becomes even more important to guide the reader.

Sense Devices: The point of view is good. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate. I think the sentence structure - the overuse of commas - hurts your poem. My suggestion is to break it up using dashes, ellipses, semi-colons and periods(sentences). Poetry is meant to be read out loud.

Closure: The closing takes the poem full circle.

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right.

General Observations: I'm one for stripping away any words not needed. I think your poem would be more effective if it was tightened. Ex: "I will not give up; I will not give in," ... I will not give up or give in. Having said that, I enjoyed your perspective. With a few adjustments I think you have a keeper.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.

Quihadi
109
109
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.


Subject: I love this perspective. A personal letter sent to everyone. It's easy to forget poetry is an art. Not a diary or journalism.

Opening: The title is both appropriate and adds to the poem. I read the opening stanza twice before I went on. It was the simple "Hello" that did it.

Sight Devices: In one way, the images do not seem specific. But reading it from God's point of view gives a different picture - specific.

Sound Devices: I had no problem with the scansion of flow and rhythm.

Sense Devices: The point of view is very good. The sentence structure is good. As is the syntax. The totality of tone is excellent.

Closure: The closing made me smile. Perfect for the poem.

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. I appreciate the punctuation, and see no errors. The enjambments are enjambments.

General Observations: I don't think the poem can be tightened in any way. The only change I would make is in word choice. I would change "made" to "created." But that's also debatable. I had to rate it 5.0 for the contest.
110
110
Review of Senryu, for You  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Disclaimer: Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace. I decided to comment on each one separately, after commenting on the general form.

• A Title: Senryu are titled. Haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Instead of using a title, try revision.

•Too Much Punctuation (both senryu and haiku): Avoid periods. Both are one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion. So may beginning with a capital letter. Other punctuation-The average haiku has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.

•The Telegram Effect: Compress your haiku/senryu, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.

• Lifeless Verbs: The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.

•Past or Future Tense: Haiku/senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words - weak ones like has, have, will.

•Adjectives and Adverbs: Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.

•"I": Overuse of 1st person pronouns - it's more risky in haiku than in senryu, because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the image in haiku, and on the person in senryu.

• Padding: Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.

•Redundancy: One season word is enough: "Spring blossoms" is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: "pavement wet with rain" is redundant.

•Abstractions: Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly. Proverbs masquerading as haiku are likely to run into trouble.

.Overall Impression:

Shoulder of the Road: Without the title, this is a good haiku. Although man is mentioned, the emphasis is on nature.

Talking to the Birds: I thought this was a well written senryu. Drop the caps and I give it a 5.0.

Blades of Grass: More action verbs needed. Like "growing" instead of "grows right." And "becoming" instead of "now becomes." Eliminate the title and caps.

She Wants To Believe: Again, without the caps, you have a keeper.

For those who do not speak Japanese fluently, the 5-7-5 syllable form works in "most" cases. When it doesn't, use less syllables.

Hopefully, you will keep writing them.
111
111
Review of MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Where poem was read: Static Poetry Page.

Subject: It's a subject everyone can relate to.

Opening: The title is appropriate and adds to your poem. It also generates interest. The first lines draw the reader in, and also establish the tone.

Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices: I had no problem with scansion of flow or rhythm.

Sense Devices: The point of view is good. I found no odd word choices. The syntax and sentence structure are appropriate. I liked the totality of tone.

Closure: I thought the closing lines were a strong finish to a good poem. They were not artificial or overwritten.

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. I thought the rhyme scheme worked well.

General Observations: First, I enjoyed reading your poem. It is well written, and something we don't think about a lot. Reading it out loud, I tripped a couple times. Once on the last two lines of the second stanza; "they can't have just a wink of sleep" gives the opposite meaning (to me) than what you want. In the fourth stanza, second line, I would change "are" to is. This will allow you to keep "one" singular and "prays" plural so it is a perfect rhyme.

By the way - I always enjoy your work.

112
112
Review of Edenland!  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.


Subject: The perspective of Eve feeling guilt is an interesting one.

Opening: The title is appropriate. The first line establishes the tone.

Sight Devices: There are enough sight devises.

Sound Devices: I had no problem with the scansion of flow.

Sense Devices: The point of view is good. I found no odd word choices. The syntax and sentence structure are appropriate. As is the totality of tone.

Closure: I liked the strong finish. I thought opening and closing with a single line helped with the emphasis.

Placement On Page: I was glad to see punctuation to guide the reader. It's needed more when there is no meter or a rhyme scheme. The line breaks seem right.

General Observations: The only suggestion I have is not to leave out certain adjectives (like an or the). Example: "an" act, "the" serpent. I'm one for stripping words not needed, unless it makes the phrase sound choppy.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.
113
113
Review of A Man Not There  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (3.0)
Disclaimer: Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

This template is based on ten devices that can "turn off" experienced editors, judges & haikuists.

• A Title:Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Your poem is a senryu (humans not nature). Senryu are titled.

•Too Much Punctuation:Avoid periods. A haiku (and senryu) is one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation-The average haiku has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before or after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.

•The Telegram Effect:Compress your haiku, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.

•Lifeless Verbs:The "is & have" families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.

•Past or Future Tense:Haiku usually happens now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words - weak ones like has, have, will.

•Adjectives and Adverbs:Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.

•"I":Overuse of 1st person pronouns - It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the image, not the person.

• Padding:Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.

•Redundancy:One season word is enough: "Spring blossoms" is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: "pavement wet with rain" is redundant.

•Abstractions:Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly. Proverbs masquerading as haiku are likely to run into trouble.

.Overall Impression:Omit the caps and punctuation. With haiku the emphasis is on nature. With senryu the emphasis is on humans. Senryu is titled - haiku is not. Keep the title and call it a senryu.




114
114
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

First Impression: A lot of good thoughts.

Subject: I've been enjoying the different perspectives, and your poem brings another one.

Opening: The title is both appropriate and it adds to your poem. The first line establishes the tone.

Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices: I had no problem with the flow. Without a rhyme scheme or meter, punctuation becomes more important to guide the reader. You did a good job guiding the reader.

Sense Devices: The voice and point of view are good. I found no odd word choices. Both the syntax and sentence structure are appropriate. The totality of tone is good.

Closure: I liked the strong finish. It doesn't seem overwritten or artificial.

Placement On Page: I only found one enjambment, and it worked well. I debated on using stanzas (with myself), but decided it's better as is.

General Observations: I would like to see certain sections developed a little more using poetic devices. This would create more emotion and texture for the reader. Having said that - I really enjoyed reading your poem (each time). I rated your poem a 4.5.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your poem. Keep writing.

Quihadi





115
115
Review by Quihadi
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.


Subject: The plea shows His true character.

Opening: The title is appropriate. The first line works well with the title. It explains what the plea is.

Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices: I had no problem with the flow.

Sense Devices: The voice and point of view are good. I found no odd word choices. The syntax and sentence structuring are good. As is the totality in tone.

Closure: Because of the repetition, the lines seem right for closing the poem.

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. It worked well with three stanzas.

General Observations: I found the repetition of lines a little different, with two lines in each stanza for images. Staying consistent helped with the flow. I never cared for partial punctuation (my taste) but it didn't seem to hurt your poem.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your poem.

Quihadi
116
116
Review of Mary, oh, Mary  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

First Impression: On the first reading I thought it was well written and wanted to read it again.

Subject: I liked the perspective of what Mary must have felt.

Opening: With the title showing emotion, and the first line showing why, it added to your poem. Very appropriate.

Sight Devices: The sight devices are very good. I found no weak sections of visual images.

Sound Devices: I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow. Without rhyme or meter, punctuation becomes even more important to guide the reader. Good job.

Sense Devices: The voice and point of view is good. The diction consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate. The totality of the tone is very good.

Closure: I loved the final lines. I thought it was a strong finish.

Placement On Page: It worked well with the three stanzas. I found two enjambments (first and second stanza) that didn't work well when read out loud. The line breaks seemed right.

General Observations: "His" in line seven and eleven; "Teacher" in line sixteen need to be capitalized. Hey, I need to find something wrong with it. Since you capitalized "He" I realize it's a typo. I rated you 5.0.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your poem.

Quihadi







117
117
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

First Impression: I liked showing a little of both His humanity and deity.

Opening: The title would add to the poem if it wasn't repeated in the first line. I would omit the first line unless you intend it to be part of His thoughts (as in the following stanzas).

Sight Devices: Although I would liked to have seen more poetic devices used to create images, I thought there were enough specific images.

Sound Devices: I had no problem with scansion of flow.

Sense Devices: The totality of the tone is good. As is the syntax and sentence structuring. I found no odd word choices.

Closure: The last few lines seemed right for the poem. I liked the dash in the last line. It gave it a pause and made a good finish stronger. It wasn't artificial or overwritten.

Placement On Page: It is always refreshing to see punctuation. The line breaks seem right.

General Observations: Your poem seems to have a little different perspective (which is good). Psalm 22 tells us a lot of what was going through His mind on the cross. I notice you had one line enjambment in each stanza - and they all worked well.

I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review it.







118
118
Review of Release  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Disclaimer: I'm only an author like you. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

First Impression: It is showing and not "just" telling.

Subject: I like the perspective.

Where poem was read: Static Poetry Page

Opening: The title both hints to what your poem is about and adds to it. The opening line draws the reader in.

Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices: I had no problem with the scansion of flow or rhythm.

Sense Devices: The voice and point of view are very good. I found no odd word choices. The syntax and sentence structure are good. I thought the totality of tone was very good.

Closure: The closing lines are as strong as the opening lines. Not overwritten or artificial.

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. I think you meant loses instead of looses in the second line. I would use a semi-colon on line three. It's refreshing to see punctuation.

General Observations: I thought this poem was very well written. I doubt it could be tightened in any way. I rated it a 4.5 -- keep writing.
119
119
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Disclaimer: Reviewing helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.


Opening: The title seems appropriate and hints to what the poem is about. The first line establishes the tone. It also draws the reader into the poem.

Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details. I like the simile(s) in the first stanza. It made for a strong opening.

Sound Devices: Without meter or a rhyme scheme, it makes punctuation and/or line breaks more important. Poetry is meant to be read out loud, which is where I have a problem with the flow.

Sense Devices: The persona and point of view are good. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is good, as is the totality of tone.

Closure: I liked the finish - reminding us that the whole trinity suffered.

Placement On Page: I had a problem with a few of the line breaks. Also, the overuse of commas. Most of the older poets stuck a comma when they paused, but it's not needed. Enjambments sometime work better.

General Observations: Overall, your poem is well written. I enjoyed reading it. I rated it a 4.5 for the contest.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your poem. I hope you come back in April.
120
120
Review of SILENT CRIES  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.0)
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.


• A Title: Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Your poem is four senryu (humans) and not haiku (nature).

• Too Much Punctuation: Avoid periods. A haiku is one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation-The average haiku has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.

• The Telegram Effect: Compress your haiku, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.

• Lifeless Verbs: The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.

• Past or Future Tense: Haiku usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words - weak ones like has, have, will.

• Adjectives and Adverbs: Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.

• "I": Overuse of 1st person pronouns - It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the image, not the person.

• Padding: Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.

• Redundancy: One season word is enough: "Spring blossoms" is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: "pavement wet with rain" is redundant.

• Abstractions: Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly. Proverbs masquerading as haiku are likely to run into trouble.





121
121
Review of The mall  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.5)
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Ten devices that can "turn off" experienced editors, judges & haikuists:

• A Title: Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Your poem is a senryu (humans) and not haiku (nature). Senryu are titled.

• Too Much Punctuation: Avoid periods. A haiku (and senryu)is one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation-The average haiku has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.

• The Telegram Effect: Compress your haiku, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.

• Lifeless Verbs: The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.

• Past or Future Tense: Haiku usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words - weak ones like has, have, will.

• Adjectives and Adverbs: Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.

• "I": Overuse of 1st person pronouns - It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the image, not the person.

• Padding: Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.

• Redundancy: One season word is enough: "Spring blossoms" is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: "pavement wet with rain" is redundant.

• Abstractions: Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly. Proverbs masquerading as haiku are likely to run into trouble.

The difference between senryu and haiku are few. The senryu has a title and haiku doesn't. Senryu is about people and haiku is about nature. If you call your poem senryu, everything else is fine.
122
122
Review of The Messiah  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.5)
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. As a fellow poet, I realize we all take our liberties. If I believe something isn't hurting your poem, I will consider it taste. If I believe something is hurting your poem, I will be specific in the review. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Subject: I like the reminder that He is the Messiah.

Opening: The title is appropriate. I'm a believer that the title should add to the poem, instead of being a direct quote from it.

Sight Devices: There are enough image details.

Sound Devices: I had no problem with the rhythm and flow.

Sense Devices: The voice and point of view are good. As is the syntax and sentence structure. I think the couplets worked well in this poem.

Closure: I liked the finish. It makes the poem go full circle.

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. Punctuation - I find no errors. Also, I like not using all left handed caps.

General Observations: I doubt your poem could be tightened in any way. It is very well written. The only problem is it is telling instead of showing. I've really wrestled with this. But I think your poem would be much stronger if it were developed into more showing and let the reader discover the telling.

Now that I said what I needed to, I really enjoyed your poem. Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your poem.




123
123
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.5)
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. As a fellow poet, I realize we all take our liberties. If I believe something isn't hurting your poem, I will consider it taste. If I believe something is hurting your poem, I will be specific in the review. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Subject: I've enjoyed the different perspectives in this contest and you bring out another one.

Opening: The title is appropriate. However, it should add to the poem and not be a direct quote from it. The first lines establish the tone.

Sight Devices: I didn't find any sections weak in specific images.

Sound Devices: I had a problem with the flow in a couple stanzas.

Sense Devices: The voice and point of view are very good. I found no odd word choices. The syntax and sentence structure are good.

Closure: I like the closing stanza. It adds an interesting perspective that has one reading the poem again.

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. I'm always one for stripping away punctuation and words not needed. When I first read your poem, I tripped (if you will) over the first two stanzas. Later, I went back and read them out loud over and over. The very first word (It's) is not needed. It forces a comma after 'years' and breaks the flow with the third line. Also, never use more than two commas per sentence. You say more than one thing at a time and use to many adjectives. In the second stanza, it was the comma after rather that stopped the flow.

General Observations: I commend you on the 7777 and abcb format. As difficult as it is, it is very well written. A few 'tweeks' and you have a keeper.

Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your poem.



124
124
Review of Charlee  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. As a fellow poet, I realize we all take our liberties. If it isn't hurting your poem, I will consider it taste. If it is hurting your poem, I will be specific in the review. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Subject: Your poem rises above the individual and becomes widely relevant.

Where poem was read: In your portfolio. I chose one not yet rated.

Opening: The title is appropriate and adds to the poem.

Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices: I find no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow. Also, there's a special texture to the sound.

Sense Devices: The voice and point of view is very good. I find no odd word choices. The syntax and sentence structuring are good. The totality of tone is very good.

Closure: I love the surprise twist in the last line. Too many times I've seen the ending spoiled by the title of the poem. The closure is not overwritten or artificial.

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. Punctuation - I find no errors or anything that can be stripped away.

General Observations: I find no wasted words or anything that could be developed more, and I'm fussy. So I have no alternative but to give your poem a 5.0.

Thank you for allowing me to review and read your work. Keep writing them.



125
125
Review of In Pastures Green  
Review by Quihadi
Rated: E | (4.0)
One of my reasons for reviewing is it helps me improve my own writing skills. Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.

Subject: Your poem is written as personal, but is still widely relevant.

Opening: The title is appropriate, however, it does not add to the poem. Also, a title should not be a direct quote from the poem. The opening line sets the tone and draws the reader in.

Sight Devices: There are enough specific image details.

Sound Devices: The rhythm and flow are good.

Sense Devices: The voice and point of view are good. Odd words - I think you meant both lived (second line) and shared (third line) to be in the present tense.

Closure: I like the strong finish. It wasn't overwritten or artificial.

Placement On Page: The line breaks seem right. I'm not sure of the reason for the left handed caps, but most of the time it's only taste. One of the things that hurt the poem is the over use of commas. I found that only two commas per sentence (even in poetry) keeps you from saying two things at once. It also cuts back on the use adjectives.

General Observations: In the second line, 'some' is not needed. I'm one for stripping everything that would make it a stronger poem. The more a poem shows verses tells, the better it is.

I really enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for both entering the contest and allowing me to review.





149 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 6 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/quihadi/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5