*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rayyna/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
67 Public Reviews Given
67 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to be pretty detailed in my reviews. I look at word choice, flow, grammar, and punctuation. I look for holes, concept jumps, imagery, and consistency. If I think there are specific wording problems, I'll point them out line-by-line. I also try to give big over-all impressions as well.
I'm good at...
Grammar and punctuation, mainly, but also consistency and flow.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Historical Fiction, Paranoraml
Favorite Item Types
Novels, Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
nonfiction
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- ... Next
26
26
Review of End of Time  
Review by Rayyna
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there! I found your story through the random review. The title and genre sparked my interest and so I sat in to read. And I just kept going. The story was incredibly interesting and drew me in the whole way through. I kept wanting to know more, find out what happened, learn more! I really liked the layout, how you told the story from the monitoring alien point of view, keeping any specific details about the planet/system, and the individual that knew anything about the world mostly vague. Of course, now I want to know the story of Franseur, and what connection he'd had with Earth! I know I kept wanting to know what "E10" meant all the way through the story, and I'm glad it was left unexplained until the end, as it really did keep me in the feel of the actual event without the story breaking down to address me as a novice reader.

I could almost imagine this as a whole novel, with this portion acting something like a narrative introduction to separate chapters as the book/timeline progresses, with the focus of the story being the rogue monitor and Earth. I can definitely see that as being interesting!!

I'm curious as to where you got your names for the races. I'll admit, Denarian and Valerian ring of other books i've read, but specifically make me think of Game of Thrones (as well as a little Dresden Files). I like that you were mentioning species throughout. I think one character that likely could have used a species descriptor/name would be Franseur. He had some fair amount of description, but did not have a species put to him to give us an idea of how alien he might look. Might be something to consider adding.

Very wonderful piece, and I really enjoyed the read. Thank you, and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review by Rayyna
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This story definitely has some good parts. I like that you use a lot of dialogue to move the piece, at least at the beginning. I love the uses of nicknames that seem to pop up out of nowhere, like "the bulge" in particular.

There's a couple things that I felt were a bit jarring:

There's a big hole / jump between when Zeke mentions he can call his stenographer friend, and when he actually does. It's hard to follow that time passed between "i can call her after three.." and "now I'm talking with her."

There's another big hole/jump between "...if I'm going to get Zeke out of this mess." and "Yeah, that's what I think works best...." It's jarring and hard to follow again.

This line: "He took over the territory after I killed Vinnie over all that nasty Gloria stuff." is very confusing. The "dame" working with Lou is named Gloria, so I can only assume that this references her.. but I have no idea what it's talking about. Also a little shocked to think that Lou Ryan killed this Vinnie fellow.. with no history or build up. The line just hints at things that just don't seem appropriate to the story being built.


As with detective stories, they often wrap up real quick, as yours does, so that fits in the genre well. I think the only bigger thing I could suggest would be that I think Lou Ryan needs something to go wrong for him at some point.. as he seems to just get everything exactly right for him at every step.. and there's not really anything he's struggling against (other than annoying clerks). It'd make the story just a little more involved if he had to struggle at least once!

Well done, though. Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rayyna/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2