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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rcadiaa
Review Requests: OFF
15 Public Reviews Given
15 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I will point out the major area(s) which can be expanded upon / worked on to improve your story.
These might be cases of “Show; don’t tell”, technical issues, or “missed” opportunities. Look through my past reviews for examples.
Hopefully, when you’ve finished reading my review, you’ll feel that there’s more which can be done – and you’ll be excited to explore those options!
Circumstances-permitting, I may also be willing to do a line-by-line review of your work.
I will not review Poetry, Non-fiction (including personal / “life” stories), or fanfiction.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Lionel
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall, I enjoyed your short story. I would recommend further proofreading however, as there were a few errors ‘adults gathers’, ‘machete’s’, ‘a angry growl’, and some awkward sentences, ‘…4th avenue in Somalia…’


Another minor issue concerns the age of the MC, which seems to vary wildly depending on the sentence. For example, diversity is an unknown word but envisioned is not – a more likely go-to might be ‘imagined’. If at all possible, try to keep the voice consistent. See also: the use of mother vs mom vs momma


If you wanted to spend time re-working any part of your story, I would suggest touching up on the ending. Not all endings need to end on a definitive note, but I feel like the current one meanders too far away from the build-up and confrontation at the office; the focus of the story is split between too many disparate elements: visiting grandmother, young (socially disenfranchised?) men wandering the streets, and dinner in the dark (not sure what we are supposed to infer from this line?)


Your story is at its best inside the confines of the office, when the child’s penchant for observation (or lack thereof, due to her naïveté) is used to effectively highlight conflicts in the adult world! The violent outburst feels like the climax of your story – and it’s a powerful one: the veneer of civility (orderly queuing / the mother’s constant demands for the child to sit still and be quiet) is peeled away in order to reveal the raw desperation of those in the office. As great as this moment is however, we simply need more of it. The mother is shaken to “tears”, but it’s not clear to the reader why she should become so emotionally distressed (at the moment, she seems a bit histrionic!)


As a final recommendation, see if you can make the allusions to the social unrest in a much more blatant/ heavy-handed way and then dial it down slightly from there. You have a solid foundation for an excellent story – keep at it.
2
2
Review by Lionel
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
[Reviewing as Requested]

Dear Shara

You certainly have a way with words. Your writing is easy to read, the imagery comes across clearly, and your use of repetition (‘too’ & ‘moment’) is effective.

You have crafted a beautiful scene for the reader – now, one only needs to take the plunge!

Unfortunately, I found it difficult to engage with the material. Primarily, there isn’t enough content: the entire piece may be summarized as ‘couple cuddles (after infidelity)’. It should be noted that the infidelity isn’t presented until the last 2~3 lines, and even then, the narrator broaches the subject in a cavalier fashion. If she doesn’t sound like she cares, why should the reader be concerned? Of course, as a write you can create situations where the reader would be concerned when a character might not be: for example, the reader might know something the character doesn’t (see dramatic irony), which may be used to great effect, but this doesn’t seem to be the case.

I can tell from the hints you’ve laid here and there that this is more than a random hookup. The consummation of the affair is supposed to be significant for both characters. Judging by, “I had just given him everything I could offer”, this is also their first time together – and thus there was likely some degree of “will they or won’t they” drama? Regrettably, the reader is privy to none of this.

In reading this scene, I don’t know whether I should be cheering for her (and them as a couple) or condemning her for stepping out. Consequently, when her husband texts that he’s coming home, I’m neither worried on her behalf nor eagerly awaiting her comeuppance; without being invested in the characters, the pretty details just aren’t enough to keep the reader’s attention.

Overall, this seems to be a missed opportunity; as it is, the scene doesn’t seem appropriate as a standalone prologue. I fact, I question whether a prologue is necessary at all for your story?

If your main story touches on their relationship at all, we definitely need more – the full raison d’être for the affair: Had she married “too young”? Did she marry for money so that her sick mother could have expensive surgery? Is her husband abusive? Beginning with the presumption of closeness between her and her lover would be a disservice to the potential story that you could tell.

If, on the other hand, your main story sidesteps the relationship altogether (i.e. it’s actually about a detective investigating a “crime of passion” / double homicide allegedly committed by the husband Ryan, who is actually innocent despite all contrary evidence), then the affair between the deceased probably doesn’t need to be front and center (or at least not presented in this style).

You are a strong writer – I think if you give yourself a little more to work with, you’ll have a truly compelling story! Keep at it!

Best,
L
3
3
Review by Lionel
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Words' Queen,

I'm reviewing this at your request. By the way, thanks for your review of my work!

Disclaimer: Before I begin, I should warn you that:

         - I am unfamiliar with the fantasy - having read very little and written none; so for better or worse, I may miss out on the tropes common to the genre.
         - I am an inexperienced writer who only started a few days ago!

Thus, anything I do address will be technical, purely speculative, or based on "gut" feelings. Beware, since not all opinions are equal, please use your discretion to pick and choose the bits that are worthwhile. Better yet, at a later revision, you may find discussion with a fellow fantasy writer to be much more valuable.

ON FORMAT

The stream of consciousness style in your writing has its strengths, but also presents its own set of challenges. Because I, the reader, is privy to the entirety of Makena's thoughts, she quickly becomes a sympathetic character. Side note: As this is a TEEN story, you may wish to find a teen reader to see if Makena's perspective evokes the reaction you wish from your reader. Ex., How do you want them to feel about her? Should the average reader envy her powers? Find her more/less naive than themselves?

Your styles reads very similarly to dialogue. Aden's intermittent interjections, despite being filtered through Makena's prejudices - is effective in providing the reader with insight into his character. On a technical note, was the usage of the square brackets [, is due to the transfer from Word that you mentioned? In any case, I would work on changing these to italics, and perhaps including line breaks between Makena's narration and Aden's interjection in order to improve the flow and clarity of your piece. For the most part, Kennie/Makena is excitedly explaining to us the intricacies of her powers and the lore (to best the extent of her knowledge Side note: This brings up some interesting story-teling possibilities, since the reader is only as informed as Makena!).

Unfortunately, writing with such an active & immediate tone imposes certain limitations to the body of your work. The (descriptive) passages,

         Example: Gathering my strength and claiming the power of the wind for my own, I leapt into the safety of the air and catapulted myself over onto the water dragon in a split second. Just in time too. The water dragon, not nearly as fast stuck a clawed paw out to where I was a second ago.

...seem out of place in comparison to the rest of the story. It's as if Kennie was having an engaging conversation with the reader, describing a fantastic tale that happened, bit would suddenly stare off into the middle-distance to narrate instead. In another story, these passages would be fine, but I feel that currently, they detract from the sum of the parts. Makena's colourful commentary on everything ~ from the cliquey 'mean girl' to Aden's constant desire to make himself look good on paper ~ gives her character. She is spunky, brash, but also loyal to her friends. Show us more of that!

On PLOT

I'm going to go over a few plot points that confused me (or required re-reading). Please note again that I am unfamiliar with the fantasy genre and its tropes, so whether it's necessary to clarify these points or not is entirely your decision!

         "...and picked those with a pure heart to guard the book with their life. These elementalists were called Protectors. A few generations before though, Solitude was destroyed and Protectors were sent to all dimensions, planets and universe. A couple of Protectors ended up on Earth, and tried to preserve the bloodline. However, soon enough, everyone became relatives of a big family."

- Why was blood line important? Was their good nature intrinsic to their blood? Or was it the magic that was hereditary? Also, how was Solitude destroyed if the Protectors were in possession of the Book?

         "Occasionally, I could summon a blanket of wind to form a solid surface beneath me, bringing me a few feet above ground, but the air here was so thick, sweltering, humid and damp, not a single gust of wind could come close.."

         ".Gathering my strength and claiming the power of the wind for my own, I leapt into the safety of the air and catapulted myself over onto the water dragon in a split second. Just in time too. The water dragon, not nearly as fast stuck a clawed paw out to where I was a second ago."

- The first passage gives the impression that using her powers is impossible in that environment, while the latter defies reader expectations. Perhaps make some indication of how difficulty using her powers would be, or making her suitably exhausted/drained after the second passage. There are many possibilities to play with here!

         "Just long enough for Annabelle to tackle her brother sidewards and push him to the ground. She stood alone, facing the whirlwind, ready to absorb the full brunt of the impact, and who knows how many volts there were in my lightning."

"A second later, she slumped lifelessly into her brother’s arms, her entire body wracking with shudders like a major earthquake. If Aden hadn’t been an Earth elementalist, I was pretty sure he would have gotten an electric shock too. [Ever heard of grounding/earthing an electric current Aden? That’s right and your element is..?]"

- I'm a bit surprised that Annabelle bothered to push her brother aside in the first place. I expected, given that they are twins, Annabelle would have intimate knowledge of her brother's powers - if she had done nothing, letting Aden take the full force of the electric blast, wouldn't both of them be okay?

Closing Thoughts
You have an engaging format that comes with its set of challenges. If you can overcome those difficulties, you'll have the reader rooting for Makena along the way. There are some minor plot points you may want to review, though I am unfamiliar with fantasy, so they may be fine. Lastly, at a later editing stage, it may be worthwhile to examine word choice for key sentences.

         Long ago, in a far away planet called Solitude, there was a really precious book. This book was said to contain the secrets of immortality, as well as how to conquer the world and kill a thousand people with a single sweep of a blade.

Such a powerful artifact should have a suitably awe-inspiring description! Tell us what it looks like, its weight, and smell! Speculate on the (unknown?) origins of the book! It may be a MacGuffin  , but why not give it an interesting back story?

         "The writer’s descendant, who was a powerful elementalist got together a few of the most powerful elementalists in Solitude,

Watch out for sentences like this, which is a bit too informal and colloquial. Understandably, it shouldn't be too grandiose since it's coming from Makena the 15 year old girl, but give it more gravitas, more reverence; after all, the Protectors is the most powerful force for all that is good on Solitude!

Best Regards,
Lionel
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