Excellent poem. This is without a doubt the best example I have seen today. I must confess that I skimmed it a bit when I first saw the repeated syllables and so I figured out that you were talking about a tsunami. I don't even think you need to repeat the syllables, you could just say tsu-/na-/me-
Flow: ★★★★★
Flows magnificently and with some polish. The metering felt RIGHT as I was reading it and I could tell that you have carefully measured everything out.
Message: ★★★★★
A novel point of view from the tsunami's perspective. Mother Earth turns on her children. It's been done before but not quite like this. You capture miss captureing the violence somewhat though. I wish you could tell us just how much force, how much water is being displaced.
Style: ★★★★
You have developed your own semi-unique style. The repetition of syllables sounds a little ridiculous if you read this poem out loud but other than that I think this is excellent.
A staunch tribute to those who bear arms. On that basis alone you have moved me- stylistically there are some elements that could use some work though.
Flow: ★★★
First three stanzas are good but somewhere in the fourth everything feels like it breaks down and doesn't quite ever recover. What do you mean when you say that there is any other alternative to the war on terror. Also- you seem to be describing a draft when our current military is all-volunteer.
Message: ★★★★
Good message. Timeless really. I instantly know who you are and I think the sentiment is validated. The question is really how MUCH do you think you can PUSH things further to draw out that needle of emotion?
Style: ★★★
In Relation to what I said above in flow. Things feel like they break down and start to feel forced around the start of stanza 4. You become repetitive in mentioning the children and the meter just sort of goes out the window.
I can tell that you have some great potential in you though. Keep writing and editing and you can turn this into something fantastic.
Somewhere I have heard that sometimes the most inspired poetry is written when an author is experiencing some doldrums. I like this poem and you certainly have a knack. I think I can point to some things you might improve though...
Flow: ★★★★
I thought that this flowed suprisingly well. Some of the lines fall a little flat and feel a smidge forced but otherwise I think there is a definite beat and rhythm to the words. (Replace "your" with "you're" or better yet "you are".
Message: ★★★
I don't find myself really all that surprised or really understanding what I am supposed to take away from your words. This fits into the category of angsty teenage poetry in terms of message. To help your reader be more emapthetic to you it might help to include something other than first person statements. I need more than generalization and vague emotions to feel like you are a distinct person.
Style: ★★★
Stylistically it still falls somewhat into the category of angsty teenage rage poem. The repetition of "I hate" was interesting for the first five lines. After that it starts to lose its impact because I stop reading it as a distinctive sentence. Broaden your emotional perspective in this poem to reflect more than just binary hatred and love.
Human emotions are a terrible subtle thing and I think you can write them as such.
Overall this was a very okay piece. There are some things that you do well and there are definitely some areas where you could improve.
Flow: ★★
This poem is freeform which is a perfectly legitimate way in which to compose poetry, but some lines are way too long when compared against the others. What you have done is basically take prose and squeeze it into a poetic format.
Message: ★★
You do a very dangerous thing in posing tons of questions but never resolving them really. The line "but why listen to me," is your only point where you attempt to resolve that uncertainty. Your scope is too wide as well. Your content is going WAY outside of the gun control topic you posed in your initial description. Really this poem starts to make us stop wondering about the questions you raise and start wondering about YOU because you don't seem to get the ways in which the world works.
Style: ★★★★
You have a straightforward tone and style that feels conversational. I think I see some serious potential in you and this writing, you need to take the focus and pinpoint it on one issue that you can really dissect. Politics make poor poetry because they can become mired in logic, facts, and reasoning- and lets face it: those aren't very sexy at all.
Write ON!
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