Overall Impressions
Well done! The description of this story caught my eye, and it delivers as promised. I'm intrigued to find out what will happen next!
Plot
You did a good job weaving in the background information to the plot to keep the pace up. Everything was very vivid. With the adventure and setting it almost seems as if this could be a movie plot.
I'm curious as to why Wynn and her father have come to Egypt, though I suppose that will be explained at a later point.
Characters
You've already revealed some depth to your characters, while leaving them room to grow and develop as the story progresses. The scene in Tripoli especially shows us that Kemal is desparate and single-minded in his pursuit.
Grammar/Spelling
No errors!
My Favorite...
I love Wynn's personality! She seems to have decorum and spunk warring within her, though it looks like the latter will prevail
I like the idea in this poem, the fear of taking a chance on love. The imagery you use is great, especially the recurring ones. I liked how you started and ended with a dance; it really tied everything together, which is not always easy in a poem.
Coincidentally, the first and last stanzas are my favorite, because you are able to show so much in just a few words. Immediately we see the contrast between the characteristics of the couple, and at the end we know she is willing to try but still has fears of being hurt. Bravo!
Suggestions
Only the poet can know what is truly intended, and is the best judge of his or her work. These are only my opinions, so please take them with a grain of salt!
I noticed throughout that the puctuation felt a bit arbitrary and didn't really reflect the way phrases would be broken up naturally. Obviously punctuation in poetry can be a expression of personal style, so the decision is ultimately up to you. I'll just mention how it would be done if this were prose.
If you have two thoughts that are complete but separate, it's often better to use a semicolon or even a period than a comma. Here are some examples:
If you care, hold on tight(;)
a crack could cause a downfall.
Perhaps, someday I will waltz,
please do not step on my toes.
Here you might even want a period, because the last line really seems to stand on it's own, at least to me.
not give one cause to beware
Since the speaker is talking to the man it makes more sense to use "you" instead of "one"
Kind words are lost in churning winds.
For many men who touch me,
are left broken without strength to mend.
You don't need a comma after "me"; it breaks up the subject and verb of the thought. Also, the last two lines aren't really a complete sentence. I would either delete "for" or change the period after "wind' to a comma.
The penance of caring for me,
is deep seas of turmoil.
Same as above-the comma unnecessarily breaks it up.
Congrats on the feature in the Romance newsletter. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
There are some great parts in this story. I really like the premise, that all-consuming terror from a ride can also be a chance to let go and live. I know I'm one of those people who has to be dragged onto roller coasters but ends up them.
You have a good eye for detail in the descriptions. As someone who has never been to Disney, I was still able to picture how the ride looked and what it entailed. It also made sense that these stopped once the ride began. Having her no longer notice her surroundings was a nice touch.
I liked the creativity of the phrases you used to describe the sensations she felt, like My body and what was worse, my mind, knew every fraction of gravity we cheated, faked and fumbled.. I think my favorite was her fear that she had left some internal organ behind-it made me smile!
Suggestions
These are only my opinions, so please take them with a grain of salt!
This is, as you mentioned, a rough draft, and still needs a little cleaning up. I'll point out some of the things I noticed but won't have them reflected in the rating. I also won't point out every grammar or punctuation typo, just some examples.
As I said above, I like the parallel to emotional freedom but I think it needs to be developed a bit more for readers to really make the connection. What type of heartbreak did she experience? Was it recent? Is the Disney trip supposesed to help her get over it? How has it affected her? If you let us see her being preoccupied with her personal affairs first, it will give her brief freedom from them a greater impact. Giving her a name could also help, though that's merely a matter of preference.
I'd suggest going through and looking for repeated words; for example, the first two sentences both contain "miss." One option here would be using "overlook" instead.
Even thirteen terrific stories above the ground, the screams emanating from the Tower of Terror, seemed somehow amplified: The second comma here is unncessary, and actually separates the subject from the verb.
hurtled strait down: "straight" (I think this happens later as well)
You will LOVE it.” She insisted.: change to a comma and lowercase "s"
I spent some time looking at the picture from our trip: I'm assuming they took more than one
Let me know if you update this; I'd be interested in reading. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
This is very well-written, almost philosophic. You have great vocabulary and style, as well; this seems quite polished and could easily appear in print.
I loved your observations about nonbelievers, and the parallels between spiritual and romantic incincerity. I enjoy people watching as well, but my techniques are not nearly as refined as yours and Will's!
Suggestions
These are only my opinions, so please take them with a grain of salt! The better the writing, the more critical I tend to be, but you know what's best for your work.
every one’s sincerity: should be "everyone's"
To avoid attracting the girl’s attention, he continued: how does this help him not attract attention? The phrase might be extraneous here. This is the type of critical question I try to ask myself when I revise.
Lee/Buddha: It seemed to me a slight inconsistentcy that he is called Lee everywhere except the paragraph where his nickname is explained, and the last sentence. If everyone, including Will, almost always refers to him as Buddha, it might make more sense to explain the nickname when we're first introduced to him and then just use that. I think this is just a matter of opinion, though, so it's up to you! :)
As I said before, this is a great story and I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
Great job here! I wish my first attempts at poetry had been this cohesive. It really did remind me of the ballads of old troubadors; ou seem to have channeled them stylistically.
Thanks for including the details about rhyme and meter; since the anapest is less well known I probably would have had to look it up. : ) Your meter is impeccable, and shows an ear for the cadences of language.
Suggestions
These are only my opinions, so please take them with a grain of salt!
Since you asked for suggestions, I'm going to be a little more critical than I normally am, but these are merely personal thoughts. The poem is already great and can only get better.
line 15, The one love that we share to protect and oppose:
You're opposing the distance, but as written it seems like you're protecting it as well. Perhaps "love that we share and protect to oppose" might be closer to your meaning?
line 17/18, As we age, for the span of our lives we do fight/ To return to the days of our youth
Because of the syntax it's unclear whether they are fighting "for the span..." or "to return...". A possible solution is changing "for the span" to "all the days," which gets rid of the ambiguous preposition.
lines 18/19, the rose/ Of our love first did bloom and before it took flight
It seems to me like you're mixing metaphors a bit here, as the rose is taking flight. I don't have suggestions because both images affect the rhyme, but it may be something to take a look at.
line 26, Our two hearts, once so warm, now alone, mine is steel
I would consider a semicolon in the middle of the line to show more of a contrast. On the first read-through I thought "now alone" referred to the two hearts instead of "mine," and a break would make this clearer.
Just as a comment, I noticed a few "do"s and "did"s. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with these to fill out the meter, it's something to be aware of. They're like the empty calories of syllables, adding to the count with zero effect on meaning.
Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! You should try poetry more often : )
Clever way to point out the similarities! I've heard it said that you an judge a society by the way it treats its children and elders; both have many wonderful gifts to offer that are sometimes overlooked.
I liked the way you used parallels, but I found it hard to see the connection between a child ignoring authority and a senior citizen being viewed as useless. My favorite lines were the imagination/memory ones.
Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
~violet princess */
What a sweet little boy! The dialogue sounds very natural; you have a good blend of innocent wisdom and childlike cadences without being saccharine (The Family Circle curse!).
This is well-thought-out, and very plausible. Taylor is comfortable revealing things to his grandfather, and the reporter game allows you to include details the grandfather would already know.
I love the idea of baby bear hugs. Is this something from personal experience? I've noticed that many families have their own special game.
Suggestions
These are only my opinions, so please take them with a grain of salt!
I don't think I would change anything-this is great!
Wow. The ending of this one made me cry. It's hard to really imagine the grief a mother must go through, but you were able to make me feel some of Donna's pain.
I like how unique some of your images are, like comparing her motions to sheets on a clothesline. Bravo for your creativity!
Suggestions
These are only my opinions, so please take them with a grain of salt!
The love she and Jason shared was enough, they were happy.: I think you need either a semicolon or the word "and"
You might want to rewrite the first few paragraphs to third person. It's really unclear who she is talking to; no one else is mentioned, and it's not the kind of things she would be saying to herself.
Also, you spend a lot of time on the backstory of Donna and Jason. Like I said, some of my favorite descriptions are in this part, but in a sense it takes the story away from the main focus. You mention right before the first break that she is refelcting on "the first heartbreak of her life." It might help to add in more of a memory of how she felt when she learned Jason had died, and how that affected her relationship with Jamie. Just a thought, though.
Good job with this poem. The Holocaust was such a tragedy, and you have depicted its horrors in a tasteful but realistic manner. I think the repetition of phrases and structures is very effective; it seems to mimic the mindlessness you describe. I love the title of this, too--it was what caught my eye on the sidebar.
A note about punctuation: obviously every poet makes his or her own decision about where and how much. To me, though, it seems as if the poem might be better without it. Each stanza is more like a collection of phrases than a sentence, and in some places the commas seem to force a break where one may not be naturally.
(Example: and the life in his old eyes dim,
as his body falls to the ground)
On a completely different note, I was curious about the connection between skinheads and the Holocaust so I looked it up. Apparently the term didn't originate until the 1960s, though some do have Nazi-like beliefs. Just thought I'd share what you helped me learn. : )
What a moving poem! You clearly expressed the apprehension, worry, and heartbreak felt by young people during that period (one of my favorite CDs is of WWII love songs). What really touched me about this, however, was when she promised to never love again. I am of that old-fashioned school which believes you only fall in love once, and in this crazy world of divorce, remarriage, celebrity weddings, and reality TV, it is so comforting to find a piece in which love is really valued for the precious singularity it is. Thank you.
What a wonderful story. I'm so glad there's a happy ending. How terrible for parents to be like that; I could never imagine it. I found just a few typos in your lovely tale--I apologize for my nitpicky nature...
I hope it fits or is close enough that Karri can alter it. Trina?s face... she looked so... so satisfied.
"That"s all?? Trina turned to face the woman. "Are you sure?"
"That's free, part of our service.?"
Reaching over to touch Marie"s hand, Trina blew a held
breath of air through her pursed lips. ?Thank you. You know just what to say." In all these quotes, the question marks should be either apostrophes of quotation marks.
Two weeks passed. Marie arrived home from work to find Trina sitting in the livingroom.
"Livingroom" should be written as two words.
Other than these things, it was quite enjoyable. Thank you for sharing your talent!
This was a really enjoyable read. The word choice is excellent, and the abruptness of each line makes every word count for so much. It was quite interesting the way you have a comma at the end of every line. Nice job! God bless,
~violet princess */
Well-written! All your discriptions are really nice. I'm totally confused about the foil ballons though. Maybe it's something I'd understand in Warhol? Also, I think you might need to work on the ending. If this is all you meant to do, the ending should be more final. Right now it sounds like only part of it got posted, and leaves the readers desperately asking for more. And believe me, it has to be good for someone to want more! Great job, and keep writing!
This anecdote was quite amusing, but it also gave me a sense of the past; I love American history. Thank you for serving our country and ot just dodging the draft or something. Everything you described seemed so real that I could almost picture it. I especially liked the line about making poets write short stories--very clever. Thanks for a good read, and keep writing. God bless!
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