Nice story, it sounds a lot like my daughter's first party with Pooh Bear.
This is a bit short though, maybe you could tell us what kind of games you played all night, what stories you told and the food you ate.
Your spelling is fairly good too, I did find a couple of mistakes though, the first one is very common "Little tiny kangaroo bounced", the word in bold should really be "Roo" his mother is Kanga. The second spelling mistake was in your second to last sentence and it is not so much a spelling mistake as it is a typo, but you have two "p"s in up.
This is a nice piece. Your feelings appear to go very deep, it is a litlle sorrowful that you feel so strong yet can say nothing.
You have used some punctuation, however you could use it at the end of almost every line...for example in the second verse: a comma after fatal; period after bleeding and comma after deeply. You need to remain consistent with your punctuation.
Nicely done. I like how you described the scene and made it come to life. Your choice in words is wonderful and full of life.
Your grammar is very good as well. I would however make one small suggestion. In your second paragraph you used the word "and" a little too often. I would replace the "and" between "sand and sun" with just a comma, it will cut down the repetitveness in that line.
Other than that this is a beatuiful, descriptive piece and I really wouldn't change anything else.
After reading this I got hooked. I can't wait to see what happens next.
I only have on comment for a change at this time and that is in your first paragraph. You wrote "...a long winding snakes tail, whispering softly across the sand on the ground." Perhaps you should end the sentence after "sand" and leave "on the ground" off. You seem to be stating the obvious at the moment.
That is the only suggestion I have for you.
Have fun and keep writing.
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