I read your entry into the Rebel Poetry Contest based on Prompt 2 for this contest period.
I believe that you captured the theme of what a child might become from the video that was there. Let me start this by saying poetry is not my forte.
You put dark as a genre for this work and I was left with that feeling of darkness very well. I was left with the impression of a child, unwanted, maybe abused in a neglectful kind of way, hopeless about the future before becoming aware of their own inner power. The sense of self that came with the dawning of possibilities that this kid is having.
Some of the imagery was very well done! One of those that I liked was the visual of all those crumpled hopes as a web, in my mind a spider’s web, that seemed to me to be a self-imposed trap of sorts. The other that I enjoyed was the sunlight through the window.
As I said, poetry is not my forte, so this is an observation from a readers standpoint only, but in most poetry I have read it seems to measure out pretty even as to line counts in each area of the work. I noticed that the four sections had 6, 6, 8, 4 respectively. Maybe this is part of more freeform works I’m not aware of and it more about my tending to see these things where others may not even consider it.
I saw no obvious grammar issues or spelling errors in it either.
Please keep up with your writing, this was a great peace in my opinion, and good luck in the contest it was entered for.
Drake:
Boy does this one hit close to home. I’ve worked in EMS for 30 years and am still, albeit off the street, a paramedic. I have lost track of the young folks I’ve mentored. I have also seen the look of hopelessness in people such as Quincy, up close and personal, especially people who are older.
Let me start by saying you captured the questions and feelings that someone in Quincy’s position would have. The fear, the assumptions, the insecurity of trying to find a way out. It comes through just beautifully! You also show that no matter where you are in life that there is always something you can try to do to make your lot better, something more you can aspire too, and that for me was the most powerful part of this piece. The contest prompt was “Where Am I” if I read it correctly. There can be no doubt in the reader’s mind where the main character is in that moment.
I appreciated the glimpse into the testing with that question. A nice touch there. Along with the speed of the younger people as he plodded and then the panic to finish. The end with him just getting past the line for passing and the emotion as he left. Well Done!
A couple quick things I’d like to point out.
Paragraph one: pass this test, “ instead of the period I think.
That last part would read easier with a blank line between. Example:
“Quincy Dobson.” Call the facilitator
“Yes?” he stood at the table.
This is a fantastic piece that I’m happy to rate a 5.
I hope this review encourages and helps you in some way. Good luck with your future writing.
Thank you for sharing this work with us. My first comment on this piece is in case you didn't notice if you wrote this in another word processing program and cut and paste it into writing.com, your formatting tends to go away! You might want to consider manually putting in a space between each paragraph or section of your story just for readability.
First the good!
I enjoyed the short piece. The fact that you chose to go with how hope became part of the world was a very positive story line. The choice to have hope born of chaos and despair was an excellent choice. Well done for this first offering for your portfolio and I hope to see more from you as you start your writing.com journey.
Now for a couple of things I did notice.
There are a few punctuation issues here and there, for example, you might want consider putting a comma after however in the third sentence of the first paragraph. There are a couple of these here and there but they aren't glaring and don't take away from the piece at all.
Some of your phrasing seems just a little stilted. For example this line in the first paragraph, "she brought upon despair to any human she touched." This might read better as a rewrite something sort of like, "she brought despair upon any human she touched." Another example is the last sentence of the second paragraph, specifically the part that says found in which thus.
I believe this is a story that you could expand upon, which may be your plan, and written to be a fuller piece.
I hope some of the points I made here are helpful to you, and I wish you best of luck in your continued writing!
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