Well dio...this seems to be a good story, full of neat tech. and good, if at times confusing, action.
A few errors...
Caps, and the lack of caps. (GEN. Gen. in a report..General in a story..Ship names..Cap the first letter only..the start of a quote..allways a cap.
"Hey Carl,..." "Yes it is.." "Welcom back Sir."
Each time another speaks, or acts, it's a new line.
"Hey Carl..."
"Yes it is..."
"Welcom back.."
(A sentence should have no unnecessary words, nor a paragraph unnecessary sentences)
You have a 151 wd sentence containing several thoughts, and a 214 wd sen that is , or should be, two or three paragraphs...it contains compleatly seperate information.
Numbers...allways spell them out except dates. ie 2005
( five seconds..six hits..two rounds..fifty-eight years old..in his mid forties )
Like I said, this could be a good story...but it needs a re-write. I wanted to give it a higher rating, but with so many tech. errors I couldn't. If you fix it give me an EM, I'll re-read and rate it.
(My work on Wri.Com was trash untill others pointed out my mistakes. Good, honest reviews is what we're here for. SO KEEP ON WRITING
DuraH
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Hi Roof....nice story
a few thoughts.
No need for brackets by,'I thought' just commas.
comma after..because he asked,
( Again, you, almost popped...no CAP on you.)
( was the guy..delete whom..I had wanted) Up to this point, I assumed the VP was a guy. You could have given a gender clue in the first lines. You never gave her a name. You could have had Sal say good-night and call her by name as she left the office...just a thought...otherwise well written.
DuraH (feel free to hammer me. I need it)
Hi Mark. This is well written, but I see a problem.
The sophistication of the words, would put it above
the reading ability of a very young reader; and the story may not intrest an older one...But as a story to be read to young children, it would be great.
My thoughts only...like I said, well written. By all means, finish it.
DuraH
Hi emma. A few thoughts.
Each time someone speaks, it's a new line.
Each new action is a new line, and usually a new paragraph.
With only two speaking, it's not necessary to mention their names each time...let the reader know by action.
Avoid repitition..(motioned for Brice to sit at the table...then joined Brice at the table)
( Motioning for him to sit, BJ got two beers from the fridge and joined him at the table)
more repitition..Brice asked,Brice's inquiry,Brice knew
Brice noticed.
better...After opening his beer, Brice looked at his longtime friend. They'd allways been direct with each other, so he came directly to the point. "So tell me..
new line.."I went to the doctor, and he told me..."
(Brice and BJ stayed at the table while Shannon made dinner, drinking and catching..) this tells me Shannon was drinking and talking.
better..( While Shannon made dinner, they drank their beer and caught up...) we allready know who they are and where they are.
This is a good piece. With a re-write it could be great...KEEP ON WRITING....DuraH
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Hi Sara. Intresting words...not much story, but a reader gets the feeling of 'being there'.
Only one typo. (worm), and 'does not' needs to be contracted to 'doesn't', for a smoother read.
I'd like to see you expand on this, making 'It's cold..' the second paragraph.
The writing is above av., and I know you have a story just waiting to be written.
DuraH
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Hi Lisa...you nave a good way with words...and if the words are true, a solid emotional outlook on life and love...never let 'um get you down.
One small typo. but no biggy. I, and I see others, rated this well above av. Keep On Writing
DuraH
Hi again debb. intresting story
Let me quote from an article in Writers Digest
"Using words, not ordinarily used in normal conversation, puts a reader off; causing him to think the aurthor is being pretentious, and loosing intrest in the story. Write the way you would speak."
foreseen(no -) my (comming)
comma after compassionate
(dominant)ferocity
(But I couldn't see her now) present tense
(I screamed ) past tense
If in fact he did die at the end, past tense wouldn't work...unless the story is switched to third person; changing I to he.
If he is telling the story, only the last line will be in present tense. It's an easy fix. ie change, now to then, or just delete now.
Just a thought...it's your story.
DuraH
Hi debbi. intresting twist.
I found a few things...misplaced commas...words with
the wrong meaning...and words that caused me to stop reading and think about them. (You don't want that. you
want your reader to flow with the story, not think about it.)
1..she looked up surprisingly into a dark blank expression of a concrete wall...(couldn't figure that one out..I would be surprised if a wall had an expression.)
2..Amazingly, her call was politely comprehended by strangers (,) benignly close ?? (Got a light?...why would it amaze her that this simple question was understood?..benignly? I think you're reaching for colorfull words to the detriment of the story.)
3..Perhaps(,)somtimes in life WE gain...V.P. change.
4..the word to (grasp??) class (facilitator?)
5..didn't (make) headlines
6..roudy (intrusions?) at home
7..real (digestable?) reason
8..(what more?) with the leaving...better ( ,and with the leaving)
9..it's=it is...better (It WAS just too distracting)
10..(prowess?) powerfull tool
11..(dressing sence?) (on his?...better (at her arse)
12..and vapor? (vaporized) fine dusting? (dusty)
13..the machine had withheld?..(withstood)
14..something that you need to seek(,)for it is in you
15..tossed the sheet? better (stuffed the sheet into her bra)
16..slight? (slightly crooked nose)
Work on this a bit, and it will be a good story
Feel free to hammer my work...it needs it
DuraH
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A poem within a poem...intresting concept.
I didn't see it until the second read. I was going to fault you for missing a cap. Then the beauty of the thing hit me. WoW!
I would not have caped, time's, and you missed a P in stop...still 4.5 stars.
DuraH (now I have to do one)
Hi Pony Tail.
I picked this piece because it had no rating.
Technically perfict...a five...BUT
The step by step, inch by inch, item by item, approach
is a bit much. As a personal memory;Okay. As a story
no. A reader doesn't care. The same thought could have been convayed with far fewer words.
If I missed the point of this piece, I'm sorry, but I almost stopped reading before I reached that terrific ending.
DuraH
Cute...but
dbl-spaces...use dbl-sp for paragraph seperation.
not in a conversation
"Do you?"
"No way," she snapped.
Otherwise a good piece.....DuraH
(picked your name off the 'Who's Online' list)
Hi Mark.
A few thoughts...
I would not have seperated, ( No one wanted to face...) with a dbl-space.
(....rise through the ranks. It seemed, no one wanted to face...)
Same with, ( It was a fearsom rep...)
You missed a few quotation marks.
( "But who?"..."If the Arena Master....credit for."..."That poor kid."
"Five against one ( ? )" ect.
Good story...Keep On Writing.....DuraH
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Hi Bubba...intresting story. Technically correct except for a few minor things.
....vegetable(s) which (were) supposed...
Proxi (also) sat his fork down. this avoids a repeat of the first 'sat his fork'.
"indestructible" do not use quotation marks, just...'ind....'
last line...The captain FELT ?
Otherwise a good 'but short' story.
Keep On Writing.....DuraH
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Very infomative...but I'm still terrified at the thought of writing a querry.
Fear of rejection I suppose...when I get my story polished, I'll re-read this article...then maybe I'll submit.
DuraH (a less than brave Klingon)
The only critique I can give is: diffrent thoughts within a parigraph, should be seperated into a new, indented, sentence.
ie The cold was begining to seep through her nightclothes; the pale cotten
was growing damp....
She looked up at the sky. It was a resilient
midnight blue.
Was he also looking......?
She sought.....
The problems with this piece...easy to fix
You used " marks in.."Gained official..." is for the spoken word. Just use '
ie 'gained offical...'
Seperate different thoughts into seperate sentences...indented
ie.....and Dom are moving on though.
They've got a house...
don't use ( ) just , ie...curled up inside the house, if you could call it that,....
when someone speaks, it's a new line...indented
"....did you think you could get away with keeping this from me?"
Jenny felt pain shoot....
"Your not keeping the baby."
Jenny could see him poised with the razor sharp blade.
"Of course we could have a little fun first."
Re-read and check the placement of your commas...I noticed several p[laces where you needed one.
DuraH......( if you fix this piece it will be a great story...EM me and I'll re-rate it)
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This story is intresting...and well written...except
( "Nay, this day will be different.") Did he utter this or think it?
...whispering softly,"Nay,this..." or ...thinking, Nay, this day...note. some use italics for a thought but it's not necessary.
( a small green sprout struggled...) This is a good place to get into his head.
Looking sadly at it, he declaired, "Aye, wee one. I know how ye feel. I too go to my final..."
( crossed his clan's lands ) a tongue twister. consider...crossed the lands of his clan.
( As darkness fell and the hour of sleep...he attacked.) here you could fill several pages with the action...never miss an opertunity.
( Taithleack turned to him...)
new line..indented ( "Nay." he croked ) here you can delete Adhamh...
"Nay," he croked learching to his feet. then he fell back; his body wreathing in pain wit an anguished cry.
( As she knelt beside him...)
new line "Taithleach. Ye come back..."
note...no need for dbl. space in conversations
( "I must return home."
( "Hush," Adhamh murmered. "YE...
note...no need for dbl. space in a single action.
(....back to her family.
Every night they stopped, SHE would wait...)
note...no need to repeat their name...the reader knows who is speaking.
ie...Looking at the sky, SHE could see a storm brewing.
note...each viewpoint change is a new--indented--line.
(.......she saw Adhamh on the edge of his bed.
"Taithleach," he groned....
Bradana begain to step away. ...
Adhama jumped...) this is one scean. 0ne paragraph...no dbl. space, just indent a new line.
well. enough of my ramblings...As I said, this is a good story. Pick up a book..any book..and study the way another writer handled it
THEN RE-WRITE.....
DuraH don't need the gps. I do this in hope you'll return the favor
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Hi Jul Lee. well written and intertaining...however
There's somthing I'd like you to consider...just for fun
Try putting the action and tone of voice BEFORE they speak.
Let the reader hear the're voice as they read the words.
Also...with only two speaking, it's not necessary to identify them each time.
( Meg Ann said softly, "I don't care,"
Crossing her arms, Lorna replied curtly,"I do...)
( As she opened her eyes, Meg Ann growled, "Shut up sprite." then looking at the grass and trees,
she whined, "We're miles from Silverdawn."
one paragraph contained the actions of one, and the musings of the other.
( Meg Ann curled up on the cold floor...) new line ( Lorna mused...)
consider...( As Meg Ann curled up on the cold floor, Lorna mused...)
also in that para. Lorna mused...Lorna shook her head...Lorna worked her magic.
consider...( Lorna mused... Then she shook her head and worked her magic.)
Okay, enough of my musings...the action befor word thing is only my own pet peeve.
You write the way you want to...and as I said, you do it well.
DuraH
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It's hard to rate poetry...shoes, in the second stanza doesn't seem to fit
but again, it does. Mine are silly rhymes, but fun to do.
DuraH ( a rhyming Klingon??)
Very good...an intresting twist...well written
EXCEPT...It's not Sci-Fi
DuraH
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Hi Lawrence...good start...needs some work.
a few typos and omited words...read it over, you'll see them.
time and distance...ships spoted, 25,000 kph, towards Ceres...it would take a day or two just to catch up.
Reaction mass (fuel) heated to fusion temp. then vented to space, would drive their craft forward...slowly
A space battle would be a slow-motion ballet...time to out-think and out-maneuver an enemy.
Also...try to avoid information-dumps. bring out info. only when needed to move the story.
Let the action and dialogue do the work. and remember the physical laws...they can't be broken.
Write On...I want to see this pice after a re-write
DuraH (an old Klingon)
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Hi Ras. Now that I know you, I'll introduce myself...You don't care? Well I'll tell you aneway.
Im an old Sci-Fi writer...so far unpublished. My poetry is simple rhyme...not good, but I have fun with it.
I give a lot of reviews...honest, and I hope helpful.
Now I'll read your work...maybe I'll learn something.
DuraH ( an old Klingon)...My alter ego is below.
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I havn't laughed out loud while reading for a long time. I did as I read this.
The first time was while reading 'A hitch-hikers guide to the qalaxy'.
A five to you...I'll check your port. for more.
I try to inject a bit of humor in my writing, but I'm not in your class.
DuraH
Hi Annie.
When I saw five stars on this, I expected better...I could only give it a three. Sorry
My reason? A rhyming poem needs a cadence...a rhythm. The words need to flow,
then break at the rhyming word.
The thought convayed in this, is exhalent...but the poem needs work. Read it out loud,
and you'll see where it falters.
I only wish I'd been that good at sixteen. Now that I'm...old...I'm getting a bit better.
You can view my work, and hammer me.
DuraH ( an old Klingon)
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Hi A.J. a few thoughts
introductions...bring names out in the story; not as additions
( Josephine sat...in fixation, then went to her sister's crib.
new line..Vicky gurgled and smiled....
new line..Jo knew these... She ran to the living room, where her mother and father were reading.
new line.."Momma, Da, ... . She loved her sister very much, AND didn't want...
new line..Steve looked over at his wife, and whispered out of the corner of his mouth, "Tiffany. What is she talking about?"
new line..Tiff sighed..."Well. We might as well go look."
note..he said / she said, is not necessary...we know who's talking
note..3 week.....three weeks...allways spell it out. except dates..ie, 2004 no comma after 2
2 months...two months
suggestion..He turned slowly to the men, and with a tremmor in his voice, asked, "Did you say...."
this way we can hear the tremmor AS he speaks, not be told about it later
( all the RELATIVE space? relative is a comparison...all the SURROUNDING space would be better
note..some sentances can be joined for a smoother read
( She looked at it, unsure what to do. She decided...) She looked at it... , but decided to leave it for now.
eliminates...She looked..She decided
You have the start of a good story...run with it
read it out loud...then re-write We all have to do that...a lot
Feel free to visit my port....and hammer me...I need it
Keep On Writing.......DuraH
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