Hi.
As promised, I'm going to rev. this..."gets out large reviewing hammer"... and as allways, these are only 'my' suggestions. ( go ahead and throw rocks at me if you wish)
I noticed a lot of 'run-on' sentences, and comma-splices, but it's shaping up to be a good story.
my comments in blue
[ The stars shone above the small unknown town, almost all of the townspeople were fast asleep except for the occupants of one home, the candles shining in the darkness. Inside there was a young woman and a child cradled in her arms. She hummed the melody to a lullaby she had grown up with, a lullaby that her child would never hear from her after tonight.
The sound of horses made her sit up back straight, only to sigh and sink into herself once more, looking down at the small infant in her arms. It was almost time to say goodbye, their time together was drawing to a close, as she heard the sound of voices coming closer to her home. ]
suggest... [ Bright stars were shining above 'a' small unknone town. Almost all the townspeople were asleep except for the occupants of of one home. Inside, lit by several flickering candles, a young woman sat cradleing a baby in her arms. She hummed the melody to a lullaby she had grown up with, a lullaby that her child would never hear from her after tonight.
The sound of horses made her sit up 'with her' back straight, only to sigh and sink into herself once more, looking down at the small infant in her arms. It was almost time to say goodbye. Their time together was drawing to a close, as she heard the sound of voices coming closer to her home.
[The month old child stirred, as if sensing something was wrong with her mother, face scrunched up unhappily, “Hush it’s ok, everything will be just fine, don’t worry angel o mine.”]
sugg... The month old child sturred, scrunching up her face unhapply as if sensing....
(new line) "Hush, it's 'okay', everything....."
[With those words, the door swung open to reveal two men, the cold air that entered causing a few candles to flicker uncertainly, but not causing any to go out.
“So now it is time, are you sure in your decision?” the smaller of the two sat himself on the chair across from her, a piece of rolled of paper in his grasp.]
sugg... reveal two men. The cold air that entered 'caused' a few...
(let your reader know who is 'about to speak) ... The smaller of the two men sat himself..... in his grasp. "So now it is time. Are you shure of your decision?"
[ tales, and more such dreams, with the signing of her name, they would all just disappear.]
sugg...., and more such dreams would just disappear with the signing of her name.
[ “Miss, are you okay?” she was snapped out of her despair by the man’s voice, as the taller and younger male touched her arm gently.]
(again, let your reader know 'up front' who is about to speak)
sugg... The taller, and younger, man touched her arm gently. His voice snapped her out of her desppear.
(new line) "Miss, are you okay?"
[ She nodded as she took a look at her home, her old run-down home that wasn’t a place for anyone to raise a child.]
... sugg... her home. It was old and run-down; not a good place for....
[ barely had money for herself, let alone a child as well, and she had no idea who the child’s father is, so no help there.]
sugg.... let alone a child, and she had no idea who its father was, so no help there.
[“Of course, we’ll take good care of her; she seems like a healthy and bright child. She’ll go a long way.” He soothingly said arms still reaching out for the now stirring child, his companion now waiting outside.]
sugg... With his partner wating out side, he said soothingly, "Of course..... "
[At her pleading look, his gaze softened, this was only his second pick-up and he hasn’t yet acquired the blank mask]
sugg... he 'hadn't ' yet
[different pair of arms.
“It’s Anne. Her name is Anne, ok?” He nodded in understanding,]
sugg... of arms..(same line) "It's Anne. Hre name is Annie, okay?"
(new line) He nodded...
[ Back in the old rundown house, the woman still sits in her chair, the wind that blew through ]
sugg... still sat in her chair. The wind...
Sir Bob??
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