This is an interesting work and I do like the message behind it because it is not too complicated. Some metaphorical/allegorical stories try and fit too much into the moral, which just makes it convoluted. So well done on that.
The beginning of the story, though, is perhaps a little long and detailed for what is effectively an introduction. Although of course it is necessary to give such a surreal story a context, perhaps it is a little long. As a reader I just got the sense that there was almost two narratives going on at once!
This work was, in fact, almost too surreal even for me! But overall I enjoyed reading it and it is certainly original. Also, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't see a single error. (Of course I am quite tired so I may have missed something!)
Well done.
Super x
This is very well written and I really liked the way you wrote showing both points of view. You also managed to come across as unbiased, so as a reader I had to make up my own mind as to who I sympathised with more. I'm still not sure - good job!
The way you described the music running through Jack's head was particularly effective, I thought, though your representation of the emotions and states of mind both people were in was very good. You made them both understandable and human, so I could see the futility and tragedy of the conflict between them.
There were just a couple of spelling/grammar errors, for example the verb form of 'fantasy' is 'fantasising' not 'fantasying'. Also, there were a couple of places where you could have varied the sentence length a little more to avoid it feeling choppy.
On the whole, though, a very good piece of work. I really liked it.
Thanks
Super x
I really like the idea behind this poem and it shows potential. There are however just a couple of areas that as a reviewer I would like to mention:
As this poem doesn't have a regular rhyme scheme, the word order doesn't have to be shifted around so much to follow one. The last line of the first stanza could therefore have "passed me by", unless you're using the half rhyme of 'me' and 'unseen', though if you are I would personally say it's a little tenuous.
Most of the other things I noticed were to do with metre, where it feels a little jolty if the line does not quite have the right number of syllables etc. Again, it's quite possible you did that on purpose in which case I suppose that makes me an unnappreciative pleb. ;) However, if it's just because you couldn't quite make it fit - I know the feeling. I always see my favourite type of poem, the sonnet, as a puzzle. It's worth reworking lines till you're blue in the face for the pure satisfaction when it's done!
The examples of metre issues I noticed were lines 7, 13 and 15. I'm not sure about the last one.
As I said, this poem is irregular so I could just be in hyper picky mode and failing to see the point. If this is the case feel free to give me a scorcher of a review in return :)
Thanks,
Super x
Bwahahaha! This was most amusing. A good idea for a malib, and gaps in all the right places. I do love the last paragraph. Someone called Julian with a radiator obsession... *chortles*
Thanks for making me giggle. =D
I can see a lot of effort went into this and the subject matter is both relevant and interesting, but the fact remains that I must admit I didn't particularly enjoy reading this.
I am aware that this could be mostly just my personal taste, for example I just don't like the cliquey atmosphere of American (I assume it's American) schools, but this read more like the script for a "Bratz" programme than a commentary on eating disorders. (Yes, I realise that particular aspect hasn't fully come to light yet.) The viewpoint shifted around a bit for a start, moving from first person to occasional "The four of them" bits which confused me a little. The endless descriptions, for example "We flipped our glossy hair", only served to add to the generally tacky air this story has.
There are a couple of spelling mistakes in there too, though nothing major.
I'm sorry to be so harsh. But all this left me with was the feeling I'd just read an article from Barbie magazine. However I would still be interested in reading more of this when the topic of eating disorders is more central. You've got a point there.
Thanks.
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