Good, get rid of the and's as well as the buts and you will have a better, more emotional short. Also I believe you meant to say consciousness rather than conscientiousness. Since conscientiousness is a personality trait. I sort of lost track of what is happening in this story as well, this person's still alive but what happened? Its far too ambiguous only giving us the sense of a tragic event happening and the hospital being involved. Initially the story starts with the sense of a bad ending but in the end it turns around? Like I said, its good because there is clear motivation and passion behind the fixable mistakes but be more descriptive and clarify the chain of events more clearly.
Fantastic read. Your writing style allowed me to picture the images so vividly while looking upon my white screen. The story felt to me like an old Goosebumps episode and I have to say I wanted more without being disappointed. Great story and keep writing.
Great job attributing the article to personal experience and finding the information necessary for supporting your standpoint. Although its redundant to list the references of where you have found this information my previous knowledge of dealing with baseball and basketball teams does in fact have similarities to what you have said. I've even been on a few rugby teams and never have I seen an injury that has knocked a player out from playing the next game. In relevance to the football discussion I believe that the parents have suffered from the unfortunate side effects of the media over exaggerating footballs injuries. Makes sense as to why more fear is directed at football due to it being one of the biggest sports in America. Perceptual salience forces us to believe that what we see directly in front of us has more of an effect than that to our side. Thanks for the article and the input, I can only agree that parents shouldn't fear about what could happen to their kids, like you said with a little paraphrase "Let kids be kids, there going to do it anyway".
A sad story of a parent losing a child, very emotional words elicited a very vivid image of a woman lying in bed with an open terrace behind her. From that terrace I could hear the funeral bells ringing. Very good poem, its realistic qualities as well as the strong imagery are worthy of the rating.
A romantic chill went down my back as as she gave into her love and called Garret. The dance seen was vivid and descriptive enough to allow me to go there with them. Reading stories like this one allows for us to contemplate the truest feelings we have for those were afraid to confront. The fear of just being friends as described in your writing is all to true. Loves hardest to see through the smoke we create for ourselves. Many thanks and keep writing.
My imagination went straight to the first moment you see that person from across the room and know there's instantaneous attraction. The language spoken and the words used to express this emotional event seemed to be cut short but overall it still elicited what I believe the author wanted to provoke in the reader. Well done. Keep writing and don't restrict yourself.
With strength and love this piece was written. Expression of struggles and fear are signs of hope and therefore courage and the author has decided to give herself to the world. I would like her to know that I've listened and i that even though i could only feel as much as i could from reading her words it had still allowed for a feeling of hope. I thank you for your time and i hope you thank me for mine.
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