Howdy Zheng,
I found your story scrolling through the shameless plug page, as I had just plugged some work of my own. Initially I wanted to read you work called 'the club' but then I saw this and decided to read this one first.
As the genre's are young adult and personal, I take it that this is a (somewhat) autobiographical piece, which is why I got interested. Although I think it is a nice take on the event I think you could have gone in more detail about the character or feelings of Joyce, about the atmosphere or the story, the sheer reason she went to talk to Shanna.
For example that dark room without windows could give a sense of confinement tot the reader, how exactly does Joyce feel about that and more importantly, how do you want the reader to feel about that?
About the writing itself:
It is an easy read but smoothing the edges would make it more pleasant to read.
For ex.
I smiled and replied, "I'm fine, thank you."
'I smiled and replied...' it's a rather straightforward way of describing the action, but it gets boring very easily. Maybe you could try something like:" I'm fine, thank you,' I smiled." or "I'm fine, thank you,' I replied, smiling politely.
I tells us more about how she feels and alternating between those could give your story just the fresh taste. As for writing out obvious actions such as replies could stall a reader, try omitting these if you can. For ex. Is it obvious who is talking? Don't mention them talking. Is it obvious one is telling a story don't mention them thinking.
As you wrote this in a first-person narrative I would recommend you to watch the use of pronouns.
"Good, excellent, follow me." She smiled widely revealing the dimples on each side of her cheek. She led me downstairs into a dark hallway. She looked left and right and finally stopped outside a room. She pulled out a bundle of keys from her back pocket and unlocked the door with a key that looked like any other. "Come on in and take a seat." She said in the same bright voice.
Since it is obvious Shanna is executing a string of actions, omitting the 'she' would make this more interesting to go through. Plus there is much more you could say, at least in my opinion, about a moment like this.
Ex.
"Good, excellent, follow me." She smiled widely revealing the dimples on each side of her cheek. She led me downstairs into a dark hallway, looked left and right and finally stopped outside a room. Pulling out a bundle of keys from her back pocket, she unlocked the door with a key that looked like any other. "Come on in and take a seat." The same bright voice invited me.
I worked a lot with examples because I feel they illustrate what I'm trying to say. Due to the story I'm giving you 2 stars, which I would gladly change to 3 or more once you've polished your piece. I hope this review was useful to you.
Cheers,
Fluke
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