Hi Arakun the Twisted Raccoon, I am a fan of horses so I was excited to read this story. I think this would be a very good basis for a longer story. As I sit here, after reading, I am wondering what will happen next. You have done a very good job at describing the scenes. I couldn't find any spelling or grammatical errors. Great job! Write on!!!
Hi Charmaine, this is a very pretty poem. I really like the movement of the words; as I read it, I can feel a rise and fall within the phrases. You use really great descriptive words to convey the events; you're not just telling a story, you're showing it too. I really like the first line, "This world is breaking out, pulling loose," I feel it pulling me with it. This may sound weird, but to me, this poem has body and an essence that some poetry doesn't have. Awesome job, write on!!!
Hi Izabelle, I think it might help this story to either put another space inbetween new paragraphs, or to indent each new line. Sometimes it's difficult for the eyes to see wall to wall text. That being said, here are the errors I found.
In the second paragraph, you use "your" which is possessive, it should be "you're". If you're unsure of which to use, separate into "you are" and read over the sentence again. I think it's the fifth paragraph, where you have premission, it should be permission.
In the next paragraph, "There's something special about her, she's..." I think the comma needs to be a semi-colon, because the text after the semi-colon is explaining the stuff before. Then you have allways: should be always.
In the next paragraph, "thought's" doesn't need an apostrophe; the thoughts are plural, the apostrophe makes is possessive. comming only needs one 'm'.
A little ways down you have "were is your mommy?" were should be where. Then later, "brown colour Jacobs hair had" there should be an apostrophe in between "Jacob" and the 's', Jacob's showing that the hair belongs to Jacob.
Near the end, "I and Emmelie was" should be Emmelie and I were.
This is a good story, you just need to work a little on the grammar. It's an interesting subject and an original plot line. I wouldn't have thought to have their spirits go into animals. If you have any more questions, feel free to email me. Good job, and keep on writing!
Hi *Nadine*, I'm not usually a poetry reader, but this one didn't have any ratings, so I thought I would read it. Love is a crazy thing, isn't it? This poem flows nicely from one line to the next. Good rhyming words. I don't know if the third line would flow better as "we waited just one more night", it's your decision though. Your poem made me think of some of the experiences that I've had. Great job! Write on!!!
Hi Hezza, this subject is one that I know very well; although I wasn't luck enough to have a guy like me enough to stand up for me. I didn't see any grammatical errors. In the third line though, after "face" you have a semi-colon; I think you only need a comma there. It makes me smile to read that Abbie had one small triumph over the mean girls, great job! Write on!!!
This was an incredibly touching story. There is a lot of emotion in it as you follow Jane and the unwanted dog. Your descriptions are awesome. I found no grammatical errors. Wonderful job!
I'm confused, I guess I don't speak germane. Of course, I can be quite blonde sometimes. Its vagueness compelled me to read it, and made me wonder what kind of surgery this woman is getting. It was very clever, never telling the reader what the surgery is for. For now, I'm going to keep thinking about it, and wonder what it is that I have missed and thinking through the clues given. Nice sentence structure, no grammatical errors that I could see. Good job!
You've got some good descriptions and plot line. Maybe the title could be something about the summer or the summer that changed your life; something like that. second paragraph: mothers sister- need apostrophe (mother's) it's possessive
"...about her and that are her eyes, they were..." a little choppy. You might try "quality about her; her eyes. They were..." It's a little simpler.
third paragraph: your should be you're (your is possessive, you're is contraction of you are)
then you say "it's was to hot" do you mean "it's too hot"?
"smalls run down house"- is smalls a typo?
"this ways of living"-- ways should be "way"
"come" should be "came" or "from where I 'had' come from"
down a little bit you have "I was aloud" aloud should be "allowed"
the next paragraph, at the end it says "a date tomorrow" I think "tomorrow" should be "the next day" since the story has been in past tense.
when you describe the kitchen, you use your twice...both should be you're
a couple of paragraphs later, when they didn't make it to the airport "...chances of that are unlikely." 'are' should be 'were' because the story has been in past tense.
second to last paragraph, I think 'nausea' should be 'nauseous'
Remember to watch your tenses and 'your' is possessive, while 'you're' is a contraction for 'you are'.
What a terrible thing to happen. I'm quite the klutz so I totally understand. Great descriptions, I'm pulled right along with the narrative and can feel what is happening. Great job!!
Don't you just hate creepy old men? Well obviously, otherwise you wouldn't have written this. I really liked your descriptions of the creepy men and how they make you feel. I've gotten that too: random stares from these ugly, old men. Why can't young, cute guys stare at me? Why does it always have to be the old ones? Great job!!
I really liked this. It flows nicely. I think unrequited love is the worst feeling ever. It sucks when you feel something for somebody but they obviously don't feel the same way. Great job!!
Very spooky, good job. Dark Shadows is one of my favorite tv shows. Your description of the house and the weather were awesome. Near the beginning, you say "the phone had no signal and the call could not go through." I think saying both might be a little redundant, but you might replace the 'and' with 'so' if you want. It's your decision though. Good first chapter!
This is a very sweet and charming story. I really felt bad for Paddy when Mary died. I really enjoyed your descriptions and the words you use. I like that word 'cacophony'. I've never heard of it, but I like it. I like the ending too; so she's a fairy now? I wonder if Mary knew what was going to happen. Great job!!
I totally understand. For me, the teasing started in fifth grade (I think). I was the fat kid and nobody would let me sit next to them on the bus. Middle school was the worst two years of my life; the taunts, the stares, the names, everything. High school wasn't much better, except that nobody talked to me at all. It didn't help that I was a band geek. I've never had any real friends and I'm still trying to figure out how to love myself. Kids can be quite cruel, can't they?
This is an awesome little poem. You have a great talent for conveying emotion and used repetition here well. I can truly feel the pain and the emotion behind the words. Great job!
This is an incredibly tragic and sad story. Your use of words move me; I can truly feel what is being expressed. Parts of this story hit home for me. I tried so hard to change myself so others would like me, that I lost myself in the process. Awesome job!!
I like it. I wasn't sure of what to expect, but it's like a little mystery. Now I'm curious as to what happens next! You've done a great job at taking a normal activity and turning it into something exciting. Great job!!
This folder is organized extremely well. You might consider, if possible, breaking down the last four chapters more. Sixty-one KB is a lot to go through for one chapter. I like the the blurb at the top, it gives the reader an exciting glimpse into what they're about to read. I also like the title of the novel as well as your chapter titles. As I see the titles, I wonder what they're about. Just looking at the folder makes me want to continue reading the story. Good job!
What an exciting start. I can tell already that this is going to be good. More awesome descriptions. I really liked how you compared the elephant's trunk to a snake. I suppose to a young girl who has never seen an elephant, just the trunk would seem like an enormous snake. It would be incredibly terrifying to see such a monumental animal, and so close, for the first time. Great job!!
This is an awesome start; your descriptions are fantastic. I like the title. I really get a feel for how rundown the setting is and the sheer desperation of its citizens. Below, I've listed a couple things I caught. Other than that, I think you've really got something amazing here. Awesome job!
paragraph 14 "He took a moment though to think about nice it would be" I think you need a "how" >"think about how nice it would be" and "giant brace;" i think the semicolon should be a comma.
near the middle, "Even the wind and the appeared to pause" I think something's missing here
in the third paragraph from the bottom, it says "medal medallion." did you mean metal?
This is a nice little article that I found incredibly helpful. I like how the tips are broken down and explained. It is extremely helpful for writers of all levels and genres. Great job!!!
I really like the idea of this story. There aren't many stories that go from the perspective of those that are all ready dead. I like the idea of the honeycomb rooms and the spirit Tom going into the TV. This is a very interesting story, I was pulled in right from the beginning. Kat went through a terrible tragedy, but at least she now gets to try to make it right and save her boyfriend. I'm excited to read more, great job!
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I really liked your descriptions of the creepy men and how they make you feel. I've gotten that too: random stares from these ugly, old men. Why can't young, cute guys stare at me? Why does it always have to be the old ones? Great job!!
I like the ending too; so she's a fairy now? I wonder if Mary knew what was going to happen. Great job!!