As a sci-fi fan this chapter certainly held my attention. I finished it feeling that I both wanted to know more about this war and the factions involved. I like the time references at the start of each section (I'm assuming here that they refer to hours and minutes and not years) because it provides an effective connection between the three parts.
Your prose is more cinematic than descriptive, something which certainly helps the action fly. However, for the same reason the fights at the beginning and the end seem too brief. In the first section you only used a few sentences to describe the battle scene which prevented me from getting fully immersed in it. I feel the same thing is lacking from the appearance of the Bloodkris. Just as soon as this behemoth appears on the battleground it's destruction is brought about too quickly for my liking and by a deus ex machina too. Again I feel I missed an opportunity to see how this character behaves when the odds are firmly stacked against her.
In the final section the first two suits are dispatched so quickly I wonder if it's even worth mentioning them. Again this would be fine for a movie, but not for a book.
As a final note on the language, I think you could be more brutal with your editing. Stephen King recommends eradicating as many adjectives and adverbs from your writing as possible, as they weaken prose. For example in the third paragraph of the third section you start with "The blonde pilot pressed a button..." Blonde in this case doesn't add relevant detail to that sentence, and for me at least it was jarring. You also have a number of "small smiles" and also a "small smirk" when smiles and smirks would suffice.
Lastly I spotted a couple of typos: the first is in the second section, you have the line:
“It’s been a long time, Amethyst,” the woman greeted with a small smile on her face. She held out her hand which Fawn took eagerly took.
and the second one is in the sixth paragraph of the third section, where you've written titled instead of tilted.
PS. I know I've written a lot of suggestions for improvement but I do believe all the elements are there for a great space epic.
I really enjoyed the unusual theme. It never once occurred to me that you could write a poem about bowling but here it is. You successfully highlight aspects of the game that can be related to by any sports fan or anyone who's competed in anything.
The reason I didn't give you a higher rating was because I felt that the phrasing was awkward. The first stanza has a good rhythm, but it doesn't carry through the rest of the poem. I think you may have been caught between the phrasing and making sure the reader understands your meaning.
For example in the third stanza, you have:
"The pain is acute; that's all the pins you could muster!" I think the line would flow much better as "The pain is acute, that's all you could muster!". While you miss out on explaining that you're referring to the pins, the implication is still there and also opens up the line for other interpretations.
Make sure you keep writing, especially on such unusual themes.
You write with a lot of passion, and tackle some difficult topics. But I feel that your writing is haphazard, rambling and with more than a few mistakes that detract from the piece. It reads like it's being spoken in a single breath by someone merely reacting to an overflow of emotion.
My advice to you is that each sentence needs to be scrutinized and the entire piece has to be read over for spelling and grammatical errors, as every misplaced or misspelled word distracts the reader from the piece itself. good writing is more than just an outpouring of emotion, it has structure and cadence that both control and enhance the effect of your subject matter. The writer has to be brave, no matter how painful the memory, you have to go back and check that you've conveyed it in the most effective way.
I absolutely love the idea of a poem about shyness, saying all the things that shy people are unable to say. It feels very honest and provides some great contexts and explanations for what shy people go through, while also providing assurances for the people they interact with. A great achievement for such a short and neat poem. The varying rhyming structure is an interesting tool, but in this case it leaves me a little wrong-footed. Each stanza seems a separate entity from the others, so the only thing tying them together is the theme. That may well be your intention, perhaps even different perspectives for each stanza and if so, ignore my criticism, because in that situation then it works brilliantly as a collaboration of shy people - a rare treat indeed! Fantastic
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