First off, I wanted to say I only read halfway through.
This was not because you're a bad writer... You are damn good. So good I kept reading even after I long would have put it down otherwise. I really liked a lot about this work.
The problem here is that after 10,500 words, I don't know who the protagonist is.
Without knowing who the protagonist is, I don't know who to root for. Without knowing who to root for, I don't really care what happens to any of them. Every shift in POV is distracting and, ultimately, disconcerting.
The second problem was that I didn't know what was going on. You hinted at war and global destruction, rivers of blood, etc, several times, but you didn't give a strong enough hint as to what all of that meant. Was the prophecy fortelling an apocalypse? If so, why didn't you say so? I wasn't sure if you were trying to say that there were aliens who would attack if we didn't shape up, if there were aliens living on Mars, if WE had lived on Mars, if we were going to destroy Earth and move to Mars... I just didn't understand.
Though a little mystery is good, I felt like 10,500 words without a clear understanding of this book's goal was a little much. I don't know if this is a book about aliens, about religion, about global war, or about creatures of mythological lore making their presence known.
I wanted to see the stakes. Are our lives at stake? Our souls? Our lands? Our species? Our planet? Our nation?
If I had to rate the two, probably the biggest reason that I stopped reading was the constant POV shift. My favorite character was Joshua, and even Joshua seemed evil.
The second reason, the confusion, is a little easier to get around, but I'd still like to have a better idea of this book's goal. Is the world about to go boom? Are aliens about to invade? Is Earth about to be caught in a divine struggle between God and Satan? I need a clearer goal to continue reading.
Aside from those two main things--and I think that, despite how awesome you are as a writer, they're gonna be what stands between you and publishing this book--I had a few smaller things.
The opening needs to be catchier. I think the very paragraphs about the ibex can go. Watching the ibex wandering around the desert was distracting, and made skim. Since your first sentence and first paragraph are the two most important parts of your book, I feel like you need to put a lot more effort into them. Perhaps if you begin with the mysterious door, it would be more compelling.
I've noticed in your writing that you like to dump a lot of facts and sense impressions into the first couple paragraphs of each scene, then cut to the action. I feel this is very dangerous, especially since a reader naturally begins to skim once confronted with a huge block of text.
I think you would improve your tension quite a bit if you began each scene with a sentence that makes us naturally want to read more. As it is, I felt like I had to wade through a bunch of exposition to get to the meat of your story.
You had--and this is a small thing--a few grammar and spelling mistakes that got a little distracting. I'm sure it's where you cut out sentences and/or changed things and missed a word or two here and there. Easy fix.
One thing that bothered me was your use of 'glare'. When I think of a glare, I think of anger and animosity. Your 'glares' seemed to have a different meaning. Every time you used them, I stopped and frowned and had to re-read.
One more thing, and I'm going out on a limb here... I'm taking a guess and I'm gonna say that you're male. It came out in the development of your characters. There were NO big female players, and the most important female's line in the story was to "sob uncontrollably". I was excited for a moment when I thought that the assassin/agent "Cassie" was a girl, then had a big let-down when I realized he was a guy. (It's right afterwards that I stopped reading.) I think you'd attract a much bigger audience if at least one of your characters was female.
This work had a ton of stuff I liked. Here's a few:
My favorite character- Joshua.
My favorite idea- the Jinn.
My favorite scene- the insane assylum
You're a great writer, there's no question about that. You're one of the very best I've ever seen. You've done excellent research and give believable, realistic details that keep it interesting and fun. You've got some strengths that make me cringe with envy. Good work!!!
-Sara King
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